Day 116

Trump took the day off to recharge his battery pack by stuffing chocolate cake in his pie hole, but the Sunday news programs had plenty to talk about after his latest Twitter outburst about Comey and recorded conversations. Adding to the noise was Kellyanne Conway who found her way out the sealed room Bannon locked her in a few months ago. She came out to tell some lies and Anderson Cooper rolled his eyes at her. She says that it’s an example of sexism…I think it’s just an example of Anderson’s ears hearing too many lies which made his eyes roll back in his head. 

In Charlottesville, a bunch of white nationalists got together for a torch burning event to “protect white heritage.” I’m not sure they were protesting the removal of the statue, or if they were reenacting a lynching (all part of the white heritage movement). Either way, I was wondering if mace was flammable. 

We need something to bring us together; my suggestion is souvlaki.

Day 117

Trump is looking for the leakers by ranting on Twitter. Here’s how to find the leaker: find a mirror, look for the guy with an orange face. Is it a leak when the president tells the Russians classified information? I hope when he meets with the president of Turkey somebody puts a shock collar on him. Trump has become that friend who puts TMI on Facebook. 

It’s time for our checks and balances kick in before Comey’s replacement is a Russian billionaire named Vlad. If you’re feeling bad get your checks and balances in line by eating a balanced diet: souvlaki

Day 119

I was home yesterday with a 130-degree temperature. (This is an estimate, I was too sick to check my temperature, it could have been 150.) I woke up at one point and saw CNN was saying a special counsel had been named and the person named, Mueller, was a rational and trusted human. I figured my fever had altered reality, but it turns out it really happened. Trump found the phone Sean Spicer hid from him. (I believe Mike Pence helps Trump find the phone each time Spicer hides it: “Here it is, Donnie. Start Tweeting.”) Trump Tweeted that this is the biggest witch hunt ever…I’ve said it before…I’m all for a witch hunt if it ends in the traditional method. 

To balance the rational job additions with a wackjob, Trump hired David Clarke’s mustache to help with national security. That mustache might be cheaper than a wall. It could cover about 1,000 miles of the southern border. 

Oh, let’s not forget that Trump is still looking for an FBI director. He’s narrowed it down to four: A pitcher of iced tea, A poster that says “Big Brother is Watching,” Barron Trump, and Sarah Palin. 

In souvlaki news, China is banning dog meat at a food festival. That’s great news for dogs and for souvlaki!

Day 120

Trump is preparing for his first, and hopefully last, overseas trip as President. His old buddy Flynn is refusing to turn over evidence, but Vlad Putin has offered some evidence to support Trump’s version of reality. I’m so glad we’re getting along with the Russians these days; they seem so honest. The republicans are beginning to move away from Mount Saint Trump so when he explodes, they won’t get caught in the mountains of ash. (Shout out to Mount St. Helens on this 27th anniversary, the last American icon to blow up as explosively as Trump.)

Trump’s choice for FBI director is Joe “I don’t think a public option will help healthcare” Lieberman. Joe was known for being an independent senator and now works for a law firm whose client list includes Donald Trump. 

How bad has it gotten for Trump? Fox News has begun covering the scandal. 

The big wager is now on whether Trump will quit or get impeached. I’m betting he quits and says that he’s doing it to spend more time with his family. 

You know what he does need to spend more time with? Souvlaki!

Day 121

The President is in Saudi Arabia. Let’s see if he can get through all these meetings without turning it into a pity party for droopy Donnie. I think if he breaks out the “nobody has suffered as much as me” while at the Vatican the Pope might show Trump a few pictures in the Vatican collection. (Trump learns best through cartoons, but a few crucifixion paintings might hold his attention.) Speaking of holding his attention, apparently the people providing his briefings have been adding his name to the daily paperwork so he will read it…reports are that he just looks for his name in the documents and reads that part. (I’m not kidding about this.)

While he is gone Ivanka is going to be steering the country from the helm…yeah, just like the Constitution says, “When the President is gone, his daughter will be left in charge.” I guess Sasha did a pretty solid job during the Obama years, I didn’t even notice. 

White House lawyers are preparing for an Impeachment defense and James Comey says he will testify. The gambling odds have Trump making four years at 40%. Time for all you Trump defenders to put your money where your mouth is and drop a few thousand down on that bet. Me? I’ll be putting my mouth where it belongs, on a souvlaki.

Day 122

Trump is all set to deliver his speech (written by cyborg Stevie Miller) to the leaders of the Islamic world. So far, his trip has included some dancing while holding a sword, some walking down a red carpet longer than his tie, some curtsying to the king, and an all-male Toby Keith concert. What says cultural exchange more than a Toby Keith concert? I’m sure his Red Solo Cup song will lead the set that will end with the Angry American song where we celebrate revenging the 9/11 attacks by starting a decade long conflict in a country that had nothing to do with 9/11. Good thing Saudi Arabia had nothing to do with 9/11…but they did buy 100 billion in arms from us so…feels a little like pouring gas on an oil fire, but what do I know? Trump is having so much fun I’m thinking he might stay. Somebody needs to tell him that you can be married to lots of women there, that’d seal the deal. The Saudis are also making sure Trump gets his dietary restrictions met over cooked steak and ketchup, Coke, chocolate cake, and the blood of Obamacare recipients. You know if I was prez all I’d need is souvlaki.

Day 123

Prez Trump is in Jerusalem. This is the part of the trip where he will find out that the conflict in the holy lands isn’t Obama’s fault and that they have been fighting a really, really long time. “Who knew?” He did ask the Muslim world to drive out terrorism in his speech to a bunch of dudes in a room that looked like it was designed by RuPaul with an unlimited budget. “I want chandeliers there, there, and there.” 

VP Pence had a tough day at Notre Dame’s graduation. A bunch of graduates walked out when he started speaking. I’m not sure if the protest was over Trump, Planned Parenthood, student loan reform roll backs, the poor performance of the ND football team, or disappointment that people found out that Notre Dame is in Indiana where Pence comes from. 

While all of us were marveling at the insanity of the last week, $800 billion is getting cut from Medicaid so that rich guys can buy another jet-ski. Is it just me or does this feel like a reboot of Les Mis set in modern times without the singing?

Prez Duterte has had it with the west and our double talk, so he’s going to partner up with China and Russia. Sounds like a great plan. Those guys are always straight up like Paula Abdul. (Vague 1990s reference for those of you paying attention.)

It’s a new week, it’s going to be tough to top last week’s crazy stuff, but Trump has a way of making the crazy crazier…just like souvlaki makes tasty tastier.

Day 124

Donnie had a busy day. He put a prayer in the Western Wall. Someone reported the note said, “Please make James Comey die before he testifies.” I don’t believe it, I think the note probably said, “Make me really, really rich. Also, make all the Russians who I owe money forget about it ’cause I’m a really good guy.” 

If you missed Melania giving Donnie little hands the “get your hand out of here” swipe, you should check it out. I think spending more than two days in a row with him has driven her to the edge. 

Trump also called the people involved with the Manchester attack, “Evil losers.” Such eloquence. Shakespeare couldn’t have said it better. 

Trump will be wrapping up Middle East peace by lunch tomorrow, I hope they celebrate with a souvlaki.

Day 125

The Trump budget is out. Guess what? There are tax breaks for the rich and cuts to social programs to help the poor. Who could have guessed? I hope all the people who voted for Trump to bring their coal jobs back are happy now. The odd thing is that this budget dropped on the same day as Trump was meeting with the Pope. This pope has called for greater compassion for the poor. I guess Trump didn’t read that part of the Bible. “My favorite verse is Corinthians two. That part says it all…” The Pope will probably drop a hint or two about being a Christian and Trump will say, “Who is this guy to tell me how to act?” just like he did during the election. 

Rumor has it that Melania spent her time talking to the Pope about the Catholic rules on divorce. (Okay, I made that up.) 

Marc Kasowitz has been hired by Trump to provide legal help for his Impeachment defense. I can’t wait to see the orange one testifying under oath. 

I also can’t wait until I can get to the Souvlaki Hut.

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