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South of the Strait

Why is my page titled South of the Strait? Well I live in a far corner of the United States. I live in a small town south of the Strait of Juan de Fuca. If I was going to throw a rock across the strait it would land in Canada. I used to be an English teacher. I have worked in Westport, Port Angeles, and Sequim, Washington... and I did two years of substitute teaching in Coalinga, California.
I've moved around a lot, living in: Sterling,Kansas; Chicago; Jordan, Montana; Lemoore, California; Auckland, New Zealand; Spokane, Washington; Gambier, Ohio.
What do I write? For WordPress I used to print once a week for general comments. I wrote reviews of music concerts my daughter made me attend. (Each month she would want us to drive to Seattle to see a music group. I usually stood in the back watching weird stuff.) I also wrote about trips I have taken in Europe where I liked getting lost. I also wrote during the few months when my son was treated for cancer. (He is officially free of cancer of five years.) About three years ago I decided to stop writing blogs so I could concentrate on writing a few books. I have completed three books...or maybe four. I have now compiled my short stories poems and memoirs on Amazon. You can get it at Amazon now..."A Work In Progress"--Jon Eekhoff. I have been very close to getting a printed book called "Lost Summer" but I was never offered $1,000,000.00. (It's set in Paris, 1920's, with baseball, writers, artist, and actually true stuff.) I wrote a book about college basketball called "Laidlaw." It's kind of a mix of "Moby Dick" and a coach who is about to get fired so he takes his team out for a free drive around the West. My most recent book is "California Tales." These are connected stories about the missionary churches in California. They are sad, funny, inspiring, and odd. I had the entire book done in my head and had just one section to finish the next day...and that is when I fell 20 feet from my roof and landed on the cement. (Like a lot of men, I thought I could maintain my own roof instead of leaving it to the professionals.) I don't remember anything about my accident but I am told I was flown to Harborview Medical Center in Seattle. Though conscious and responsive after surgery to remove part of my skull, I don't remember anything from my first month there. I spent another month of Harborview working on walking, speaking, and writing. That was two years ago. As a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) survivor, I could have quit writing, but I am not going to quit. I work with the University of Washington Speech and Hearing Clinic.
So, here I am. I am married and live here in Sequim with my wife Cheryl. Our kids live in nearby cities. Writing is now an exhausting exercise, but something I plan to keep working on.

Day 316

The Senate stayed up late to pass their screw the middle class tax bill. This bill will add to the deficit and give tax breaks to their biggest donors. Everyone else will end up paying more in tax and government programs will get cut so President Agent Orange can pass on more of his Russian money to his family. 

In Hawaii, they are testing early warning sirens for the upcoming nuclear attack by North Korea. I don’t know about you, but if North Korea is going to fire off a rocket I think it should be aimed at Washington DC or Mar-a-Lago. Blowing up Trump’s house would be a boss way to go out. Think about it, Un. 

Winning the internet and twitter this week is James “The Giant” Comey. His tweet after Flynn’s plea was “Let justice roll down like water.” Nice. Quoting scripture is one way to troll Trumpenstien supporters, but it probably went right by El Loco Presidente because his favorite verse is still from “Two Corinthians.” 

THE KUSH is probably binge-watching Cool Hand Luke, The Wire, The Green Mile, and Shawshank Redemption. My suggestion would be watching All The President’s Men and seeing if there is a parking garage where he can meet Santa Mueller. The choice between rolling over on a 72-year-old crazy man or spending the rest of your life in prison shouldn’t be that hard to figure out, but this is a guy who thought colluding with the Russians was a good idea. 

White House lawyer Ty “I Wish My Parents Called Me Cornonthe” Cobb is saying that Flynn is Obama’s fault. Yeah, the guy who fired Flynn is responsible. 

My least favorite Congressman Trey “Draco Malfoy” Gowdy used $150,000 of tax-payer money to settle a wrongful dismissal lawsuit. Can we lock him in the same jail cell as THE KUSH and Trumplestillskin? It’s a winning formula for reality television. We’ll call it Two and a half Morons. 

I’m going to eat two and a half souvlakis today to celebrate.

Day 317

HR “PuffinStuff” McMaster says we are closer to nuclear war with North Korea every day. And what is El Presidente Loco doing? Tweeting about firing Flynn and then having his lawyer say that he, the lawyer, wrote the tweet because the tweet shows that President Agent Orange is obstructing justice. Let that lie sink in… before you consider the likelihood of war. 

The senate has passed their train wreck of handouts to their donors. Nice that rich folks will get to take home more money and the rest of us will pick up the tab. I think it’s only fair that the people who do nothing for a living get to have an extra month of vacation from doing nothing. Patriots pay taxes, traitors avoid taxes. I guess that puts Trumplestillskin squarely in the traitor category in my book. HOW DID WE GET A TAX BILL DONE WITHOUT THE PRESIDENT RELEASING HIS TAXES? 

A sex offender is still ahead in the polls in Alabama. We have a traitor in office and no one on the right will do anything about it. It sure feels like this is a low point in American democracy. 

I’m going to drown my sorrows in souvlaki.

Day 318

Billy “Shouldn’t Adults be Called Bill” Bush has been located and is making appearances again. He has also written an editorial saying that President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein did say those vile things on the Access Hollywood bus. I’m sure Trumplepie will have another excuse why this is fake news. 

Or he may not need any fake news to bail him out. It looks like he’s decided that saber rattling with North Korea will get him out of the hot waters of justice. The US has shipped a bunch of stealth bombers and fighters over there and are playing war games with 230 Air Force jets. I’m not sure where Kim Jong Un is going to fire off his rockets, but let’s hope that somebody remembers that this isn’t a board game we’re playing here. 

If you thought that Mitch “Turtleneck Is Still Covered by Trumpcare” McConnell had a soul, take a look at how he is walking back his criticism of Roy “The Montgomery Maller” Moore. Now, McConnell is saying, “Let the people of Alabama decide if they want to elect a pretend cowboy who thinks it’s okay to molest young girls.” 71% of the republicans in the state think the charges are fake news. That tells you everything you need to know about Alabama. If Alabama votes Moore in, I vote that we jump ship and form the Cascadian Nation, or ask to join Canada. I’ll help pay for a wall from Portland to Vancouver BC. 

Trumplestillskin’s lawyer, John Dowd, is claiming to have written the tweet that shows Trumplestillskin obstructed justice. This Dowd guy is like the Forrest Gump of lawyers: Iran Contra, Pete Rose, John McCain (Keating Five). One would think that someone with his varied experience would know that pleaded is past tense of plead…and not what Trump tweeted which was pled. I’m sure Dowd has a good reason to jump on the sword…like he knows he won’t get paid if Trumpenstein ends up in prison. 

El Loco Presidente is going to shrink federal lands in Utah because he says it was a land grab (something he is kinda familiar with) by the federal government. This is the type of action that feeds into the lunatic fringe of the republican party. The type of guys who take over a chunk of Oregon to prove they have guns and IQs below 70. 

It doesn’t take someone with a lot of brain power to know that a souvlaki a day keeps the doctor away.

Day 319

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein is still in charge. In charge of what? In charge of the republican party that just stole public lands so his buddies can extract whatever is of value to them, in charge of the party that is now sending money to Roy “Mall Rat” Moore, in charge of the party that is going to cut children’s healthcare, so their donors get a tax break, and in charge of the most corrupt government in history. (I was going to add US government, but I’m not sure if they aren’t the most corrupt in the history of the world.)

Iowa Republican Senator Chuck “I Don’t Smoke” Grassley said that giving a tax break to the middle class will only encourage people to spend money on booze and women. He then clarified to say the taxes shouldn’t punish “frugality, savings and investment.” He’s talking about the estate tax. The tax that applies to the top one percent. I guess the rest of us need to figure out that all the money we spend on booze and women is keeping us from having a six-million-dollar estate. Too late for me. I have two women in my family. I suppose I should have cut them loose years ago so I could pass on all my money to my son. 

Paul “World’s Worst Advisor” Manafort is probably headed back to jail. Part of his bail deal was to not make public comments… so he decided to work with a Russian spy to write an editorial… an editorial that defended Manafort’s work in the Ukraine. What was his pen name? Paule Shore? Paula Poundstone? Paul “The Sledge” DePledge? Remember when Trumplestillskin said he would hire the best people? Yeah, the best… 

Santa Mueller I’ll buy you a lifetime of souvlaki if you end this now.

Day 320

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein probably wet his pants yesterday when the news that Santa Mueller has subpoenaed Deutsche Bank records related to Trumplestilskin’s businesses. This is one of the things Donnie tiny fingers told the NYTimes that would be outside of Mueller’s scope of investigation and would be a fireable offense. I think Santa Mueller has all his ducks in a row and is daring the man with a face like an orangutan to fire him. 19 days until Christmas… just bring me the indictments and I’ll be a good boy all year. 

Just in case you thought we were starting enough wars, Trumpenstein declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel. This should make a few people happy, and a whole bunch of people mad. You know what the Middle East needs? More reasons to be mad. 

Lord Dampnut’s favorite nation, Russia, has been banned from the Olympics for cheating. Putin says they didn’t cheat. He also said they didn’t interfere in our election. I’m starting to think that Putin lies. 

Senator Jeff “Not a Snow” Flake wrote a check for Doug Jones yesterday. Doug Jones is the nameless opponent of Roy “The Mall Mauler” Moore. While this is a good effort to say, “We shouldn’t elect people who spend their free time picking up 14-year-olds in the mall” it is also a little disappointing to me. Why isn’t Flake doing something real that is within his power, like voting against the tax bill that is going to hurt the middle class and poor? Sure, you can oppose somebody who is obviously a creep, but you can’t stand up when it counts? 

If there is one thing I’ll always stand up for, it is a second souvlaki.

Day 321

In the growing list of men who can’t keep their hands to themselves add Republican Rep. Blake “Even Waistlines are Bigger in Texas” Farenthold, Arizona’s ex-Rep. Trent “Dick Tracy Bad Guy Face” Franks, and ex-Senator Al “Sloppy Tongue” Franken. Franken called for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein to step down since there is more evidence that El Loco Presidente has a history of sexual harassment than Franken. All these clowns need to be taken out and made to do the Game of Thrones walk of shame from the White House to the Washington Monument. 

Paul “I Made Them An Offer They Refused” Manafort says that his ghost written editorial wasn’t a violation of his bail agreement. I like that he still thinks he can do what he wants. Isn’t that cute? “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the guy who got the President elected? I can do what I want! Wait, you can’t put me in cuffs. Wait, you can’t put me in a cell. Wait, I’ll tell you everything.” 

The beautiful new tax bill is turning into something. Right now, it looks like dark money donated to campaigns can be written off. Yep, if there wasn’t enough corruption built into the system, now you can donate money without declaring it publicly and still write it off on your taxes. This is good for me because I donated $5,000,0000 in dark money to the elect the Souvlaki Hut campaign last year. I’ll see you in court Mr. IRS. (Lawyer fees are tax deductible, aren’t they?)

A group of law professors has released a 34-page document with instructions about how to pay lower taxes using the new tax bill. Remember how the goal for the Orangutan in Chief was to simplify the tax system and tax wealthy people more. (Yeah, that was what he ran on… and people were stupid enough to believe him. Idiots!) Now, people can incorporate themselves, split their income into pass through partnerships and LLCs and pay the new lower corporate tax rate. (I have no idea what any of that means, but I read it three times before typing it out.) So, I’d like to introduce you to my new corporations: The Jon Eekhoff Human Project LLC DDS MRE PDQ, The Tall Man Fund LLC ABC, The Jon Eekhoff Souvlaki Hut Fund For Vacations in Europe LLC LMNOP, and the Bank of Jon Eekhoff LLC. I’ll see you suckers later. I’ve got a yacht to buy.

Day 323

Rumor has it that President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein has lost his Twitter privileges. Take a peek at his twitter account for the past three days and you’ll notice a marked difference from his tweets from day 1-319. Some folks are saying it is probably because his tweet where he claimed to fire Flynn because he lied to the FBI could put him in some legal jeopardy. I doubt Santa Mueller is going to need any tweet evidence after he looks through Trumplestillskin’s Deutsche Bank loans. Some call it high risk loans, others call it money laundering and Russian influence.

Trumpenstein has been railing about the fake media this weekend while he campaigns for fellow sexual harasser, Roy “Mall Rat” Moore. Lots of people are saying the Moore will probably win, which just goes to show you who the party of family values really is. Hypocrites isn’t a strong enough word. 

The weekends have been for Mueller Time lately. I’m hoping he has been up burning the midnight oil and connecting the pieces so that he can bring us what we all want: a jump-suited orange man with tiny hands. I’ll take mine with a side of souvlaki.

Day 324

Faux Newz is spending all its time calling for Santa Mueller to step down. This is how a propaganda machine works. The government wants something reported, it gets reported. The mega-phone of Faux Newz has been blasting lies into retirement homes, and angry white dudes’s ears for at least a decade. When you wonder how we are where we are, look at that stupid channel. 

At the same time, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein is saying that news in the US is a “stain on America.” What country am I living in? This sounds more like 1980s USSR than USA 2017. Now, I’ll give Trumplestillskin this, he knows about stains… stains left by Russian prostitutes, stains left by missed bites of KFC on his long red ties, permanent stains on democracy left by devaluing the many honest people who work in government, and the stain that he is trying to leave on an already pretty stained state of Alabama, but the stain he is leaving is going to get sent to the cleaners soon. (Come On SANTA!) 

Roy “The Montgomery Maller” Moore has been keeping a low profile the past few days as the election to fill Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions vacated seat is Tuesday. Will the state of Alabama hold its nose and vote for the Mall-Rat with a background in getting himself kicked out of office? Or, will they finally decided they’ve seen enough and vote for a democrat? Those folks in Alabama may not even know there is an election. They’re more focused on the football playoff where the state can brag about being number one in something other than poverty, low test scores, incarceration rate, and people named Colonel. 

While all this is going on, the little elves in the house and senate are working away on how to cut taxes for the rich and make sure the poor get what is coming to them: a lump of coal to go with that promised coal job. 

Santa Mueller’s elves are working away too. The only lump of coal they have will be delivered to the White House. The sugar plums dancing in my head are accompanied by a jingle that goes, “Lock him up. Lock him up.” It’s a catchy tune, almost as addictive as souvlaki.

Day 325

Today is the day that Alabama gets to decide if they will go from a stain on America to a stain on all humankind. Roy “The Mauling Mall Rat” Moore could be a senator by the end of the day, or the people of Alabama could vote in someone with a functioning brain. Moore’s final election speech and rally was something else. Kinda like something a deranged, paranoid, moron would put together… very much like the press conferences Saddam Hussain had right before we invaded. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein’s accusers are back in the news. Sarah “Grown Up Wednesday Addams” Huckabee-Sanders said that the voters have already spoken… okay, do we now use elections to decide on illegal actions? That’s an odd way to decide whether President Pu**y Grabber is innocent or not. I suppose all the Nazis could have used that defense during the Nuremberg Trials. “The German people have spoken.” 

“Oh, in that case. Head back home. Sorry we took your time, Mr. Goebblels.” (I know he committed suicide, and this is historically inaccurate, but as one of the prime providers of Fake News I must continue to hone my craft.)

El Loco Presidente does have the lowest approval rating of any president. That’s pretty bad. His supporters (aka White Nationalists who drink leaded water) are sticking with him until they lose their coal jobs. 

What many families are going to lose is CHIP. Child healthcare is only a concern when the babies are in the womb for republicans. After kids are born, then who cares about them, they can fend for themselves. 

Santa Mueller, I know you want to keep us on our toes with anticipation, but please bring me a souvlaki and an orange man in an orange suit. I’ve been a reasonably good boy this year. (Take my word for it and don’t talk to too many people.)

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