Day: January 3, 2021

Day 137

What can I say? For the second time in 137 days, Trump didn’t do anything truly stupid that I am aware of. He went golfing. I think it is great when he gets out on the course…maybe he should stay there. 

Vlad Putin was interviewed by Megan Kelly (now working at NBC). I didn’t watch it because I want my lies to be domestic. I’m not sure why so many America Firsters believe this KGB guy. 

If you’re going to import anything it better be a Souvlaki Hut.

Day 138

Things are back to normal in the Trump administration…in other words crazy town. 

Kellyann Conway’s husband crawled out of the Conway family bunker and said that Trump’s tweets on the travel ban are hurting the legal case that is heading to the Supreme Court. You know what else is hurting the case? The Constitution. 

Reports about Trump’s recent behavior should concern everyone. He changed a part of the NATO speech where he was supposed to assure our NATO allies that we supported them if attacked. He inserted his own line at the last minute and didn’t tell anyone. (Insert your own Billy Bush joke here, I don’t work blue.) He was told not to tweet…he’s still tweeting. His mental state, which was never great in my opinion, is slipping like a fan belt on a 1997 Cadillac. He is now caught in a Tweet battle with the mayor of London. Sadiq Khan has asked for Trump’s trip to the UK to be cancelled because of his stupid tweets. 

Back in the USSA, we still don’t have an FBI director…and there are around 525 vacant senior level positions that need to be filled by Senate confirmation. Trump has moved 37 of them toward the floor…he’s got more important things to do: Golf, say that the mayor of London is asking for more attacks, and walk around the White House in a bathrobe looking for his woobbie. 

An NSA contractor has been charged with leaking classified documents. What did the documents say? That the Russians hacked voting machines. Let me type that again with the appropriate emphasis: RUSSIA HACKED VOTING MACHINES!!! Maybe crazy, crooked Hillary was right… You’re right let’s not get carried away. 

In times like this, it is best to hold on to those things that bring us comfort…souvlaki!

Day 139

Trump has announced his nominee for the FBI director position: Christopher Wray. I know nothing about this guy other than the simple fact that he looks like the love child of Elliot Spitzer and Paul Rudd. (You look and tell me I wrong.) 

Liberal Fake News Rag Forbes has an interesting article about how the Donald J Trump Foundation took money raised for cancer patients. The author said it was more like a mafia money laundering scheme than a non-profit charity. Eric Trump is taking a lot of heat for this, but it looks like it was Donnie’s little fingers that were funneling the money through his foundation. (Those cancer kids probably need the money less than Trump. Chocolate cake is expensive.) 

Sean “Spicey” Spicer said that Trump’s tweets are official White House statements. I don’t think White Castle would want those tweets staining their brand. If his account is official, then blocking internet trolls would be a violation of their First Amendment rights (if they were Americans). 

Liberal Media Fake News Anchor, Neil Cavuto said last night on Faux Newz that Trump was the problem…WHA? HUH? Could the tide be turning? 

Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions and Mr. Trump have been having some disagreements lately. One would think two racists with tiny hands could get along, but Trump isn’t happy that Sessions isn’t blocking all the Russian investigation stuff. Sessions told Trump, “If you don’t want me here, I can go back to my job as a racist garden gnome or make cookies in that elfin tree.” Nobody else wants the job so Sessions will be there until the walls come crashing down on him. 

One day until Comey testifies…time for a souvlaki, martial law can’t be far off so you better live it up while you can.

Day 140

Day 140: We reach a milestone today: 10% of the way through a full-term Trump Presidency. Here’s to hoping we are actually halfway through. 

The big news is all about Comey testifying today. Comey released his opening statements yesterday. If you haven’t read them, you should. They are really interesting. I think Comey has created a new genre of writing: Mafia-romance-thriller. 

My favorite episode of the letter was when Comey comes to the White House to have dinner with Trump. Trump tells Comey that he wanted to invite Comey’s family…but maybe next time. When Comey gets there, it takes an odd turn. There is a small table set up and it’s just Trump and Comey and two naval servers. The worst kind of blind date ever. Donnie grabby fingers wants Comey to swear allegiance to Trump like he is the Godfather. Comey tells him that he will promise to be truthful. (Trump doesn’t know what that word means so it probably confused him.) 

I’m not sure where the legal line is for interfering with an investigation, but I am sure that will become the main focus of the questioning today…unless Comey drops a bomb like, “I have seen the videotape of Trump with the hookers in Moscow.” (I don’t believe in the tape, but Benghazi! Emails! Uranium! …see crazy works both ways.) 

The mystery of all of this is Flynn. Why does Trump feel the need to keep protecting this guy? It goes against Trump’s core operating principle: Trump is the only important person in the world. So… does that mean that protecting Flynn is really about protecting Trump? (Yes, that is what it means.) 

Two nights ago, some talking head was saying this whole thing is a big “nothing burger.” Last night, that same dude got a bite of the nothing burger, he said it tasted like souvlaki.

Day 141

Comey testified under oath. Said Donnie hairdo lied. Said Donnie hairdo tried to get him to drop the Flynn investigation. Said he hoped there were tapes of his conversations with Donnie hairdo. Spin doctors on the right called it a nothing burger…I’ll call that nothing burger filled with mystery meat. I firmly believe that Comey is laying the legal foundation for the investigation to proceed. The confidential information will put the puzzle pieces together and then the Trumpettes will start to head off to jail. (Sessions has probably perjured himself by not admitting to a third Russian meeting. Flynn…well, his problems are multitude. THE KUSH is going to be forced to decide whether jail time is better for him or his father-in-law.) 

The Donald saved his only tweet of the day to say that he was 100% vindicated. That’s what Cosby said too. Trump’s been slipping mickeys into Kool-Aid all over the US. Stay safe kids, if an orange-colored man offers you a wall, tax cuts, coal jobs, and eternal life tell one of your liberal friends. We’ll make sure you get home safe and sound. 

Speaking of Kool-Aid. John McCain might need to cut back on it. This questioning of Comey was a little unsettling. Kind of like watching Leonard DiCaprio in Romeo and Juliet…”I don’t think he knows what the words he is saying mean.” 

You know what goes great with grape Kool-Aid? Souvlaki!

Day 142

Donnie “Little Fingers” Trump says that Jimmy “The Leaker” Comey was lying. Trump also says that he will 100% testify under oath…who else thinks that is going to end up like his other lies? (“I have proof that three million people voted illegally. Obama wire tapped me. Obama was born in Kenya, I have evidence. I know all the best words.”) If Trump testifies under oath, he is dumber than I thought. He has promised to make an announcement about “the tapes” he insinuated he had of the Comey meetings. This stalling technique is becoming a Trump modus operandi. Tell people you’ll produce something do 500 crazy things and they forget you promised to release your taxes. 

While Trump fiddles with twitter, the republicans are rolling back Wall Street oversight and planning to take away healthcare. Sounds like we’re heading back in that same ditch we end up in every time a republican is driving the car. We need one of those self-driving models. I keep hoping computers will take over the planet soon. Where is Skynet when you need it? 

Computers can do lots of things, but they will never be able to produce a perfect souvlaki.

Day 143

Trump keeps tweeting that Comey is lying. Methinks the orange one doth protest too much. 

Sessions will be called to testify soon and I’m betting he says two things: I do not recall, and I have been advised by legal counsel to use my fifth amendment rights. 

Looks like Trump won’t be heading off to England as planned. That’s too bad, he’ll have to keep insulting people from across the pond. At least he can keep fine tuning his golf game. 

I’ll keep fine tuning my souvlaki game.

Day 144

The Trumps are all together in the White House. I think this is a good thing. Maybe Melania and Barron can hide Trump’s phone, so he stops Tweeting at three am. 

Preet Bharara said that there is absolutely evidence of obstruction. He should know since he’s one of those lawyer dudes. 

Jefro Bowdeen Sessions will be testifying in a closed Senate session on Tuesday. This should allow the tiny, racist Keebler Gnome the freedom to speak about confidential matters and lay the groundwork for his perjury case. 

144 is one of those magical numbers, maybe something magical will happen today. You know what else is magical? Souvlaki!

Day 145

Yesterday, President Trump started his cabinet meeting with a North Korean version of King Lear. “Before we start giving tax breaks to billionaires and taking away healthcare, why don’t we go around the table and everyone say what they most like about me.” The loser of the sycophant convention was General Mattis who praised the armed forces instead of King Trump. 

Word came out yesterday that Donnie Cheeto Fingers was thinking about firing investigator Mueller. Almost everyone thought that firing Mueller would be stupid, crazy, and potentially damaging to our nation…so get ready for that to happen. 

The racist garden gnome and ex-Keebler elf, Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions is heading to testify to the Senate today. It is surprising that he is going to do this publicly, but that probably means he will have to limit his perjurious statements to contacts he had with Comey. He won’t be talking about his conversations with Trump (executive privilege), his conversations with Russians (already perjured himself there), and where he gets his tiny shoes (the kid’s section of Piggly Wiggly). 

The Senate panel met with the NSA chief yesterday, so I’m betting Mr. Sessions is going to feel like a rotisserie pig at a good old Georgia cook out. After the meeting, the Senate voted to increase the sanctions against Russia…WOW! I buried the lead. Yep, you read that correctly, the Senate, controlled by the republican party, voted to increase sanctions after meeting with the head of the NSA. What’s that smell? Is that barbecued pork? 

You know where to put that pork? On a souvlaki!

Day 146

Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions pretend-testified to the Senate yesterday. It was like watching the last ten minutes of a 1-0 World Cup game. Whenever a democrat would start to pressure Sessions on a point, he’d fall on the ground and pretend he had a muscle cramp. “I don’t recall. Well…let me see…if I keep saying words that mean nothing…and pausing…you’ll run out of time to question…me.” His answer about whether he was employing executive privilege was like watching an M. C. Escher painting come to life. The one conclusion I reached was that lying is more complicated than telling the truth. 

Jason Miller, CNN Trump surrogate who looks like a turnip with a goatee, said that Senator Kamala Harris was hysterical, which was code for “that woman needs to be quiet and know her place.” That didn’t go over well on CNN and Turnip Head ended up looking like an idiot…again. 

If you lift the curtain you might see 13 men working on Trumpcare. The secrecy is understandable, because whatever they come out with is going to make everyone angry. I mean, everyone who isn’t a billionaire. 

On the legal front, Trump is being sued by 200 Congressmen, the state of Maryland, and Washington DC for violating the emoluments clause. You see, you can’t get money from other governments when you are president. Saudi Arabia has spent $200,000 at the Trump hotel in DC. (I think it was for Trump Skin Care. “Get the the same glow as President Trump,” is the product tagline. It’s bottled orange dye.) 

You know what never needs artificial color? Souvlaki!