Donnie “Cheeto Face” Trump is finding out that President Xi of China isn’t happy with what’s going on between the US and China. Trump will probably fix this problem by superimposing Xi’s head on a WWE Summer Slam opponent and then tweeting it out. Xi probably wants the same treatment as Trump’s BFF Putin, but Xi has to remember that in order to get the full Trump love shack package, an election must be fixed…and even then, nobody puts Vlad in a corner. 

Governor Chis “Rules Don’t Apply To Me” Christie closed the New Jersey beaches to the public because the state budget wasn’t done. Christie’s family still went to the beach. I’d make an Ahab and Moby Dick joke here, but that’s too easy, instead I’ll just say I hope the sand that got stuck in his ass stays there for a month. 

Trumpcare is so unpopular that it is bringing together governors from both parties. Democrats are like, “This is cruel.” Republicans are like, “Hey, you can’t make us pay for that. We already have to give tax breaks to corporations. Break up unions, take away funding for schools, and rip off the working class. We can’t pay for Medicaid too.” 

Trump’s tweet with the CNN logo was interesting. Some people think he is a genius for all his distractions, but let’s look at the promises he has completed: Hillary in jail, wall built and Mexico paying for it, ISIS defeated in 30 days, swamp drained, Obamacare repealed and replaced with something better, other countries no longer laughing at us, Muslims banned until we figure out what the hell is going on, working weekends and never taking a break, and the United States rated as the best nation by TripAdvisor. That’s 0-9 in my book. Good thing he body slammed CNN. What he should be doing is slamming less chocolate cake and more souvlaki!