Day 114

The Trump alternative facts global tour continues its fourth month being pursued by the truth. Trump threatened ex-FBI Director Comey with mysterious “tapes” of their conversations. Comey reportedly said he would love to have those released. Things we’ll learn from the Trump tapes: Comey refused to kiss Trump’s ring, Trump interfered with an ongoing investigation, Trump is already collecting books for his presidential library (so far, he has: Go Dog Go, The Art of the Deal, and Obama’s long form birth certificate), and Trump wants to bring back the USFL. 

Trump is shortening his list of FBI directors. Right now the list looks like this: Draco Malvoy (aka Trey Goudie), a month old loaf of sourdough bread, Perry Mason, Vladimir Putin, Jared Kushner, Harry Hole, a 6 foot mirror on rollers, a 60″ television tuned to Fox and Friends, and the bush Sean Spicer hid behind to avoid talking to the press. One thing that will never appear on the list is souvlaki, because it always tells the truth.

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