Day: January 2, 2021

Day 261-October 7, 2017

The peach-colored Pol Pot is rolling back the law that assures women get access to birth control through work related healthcare…because birth control is bad? Here are things I think healthcare should not cover: ——- It’s called healthcare, not dudes get whatever they want, women get out your wallets. 

We still don’t know when the storm is going to hit or what the calm is either. It’s probably just more hyperbole since that’s all-team Trump brings to the table. Make America Hyperbolic Again…#MAHA

Maybe the storm is Mueller. Please, please let that be the storm. Enjoy your calm and have a souvlaki.

Day 261-October 8, 2017

Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) is in a tweet war this morning with Trumplestillskin. Corker said that the White House has become an adult day care center and that someone missed their morning shift…ouch. That’s a high-quality burn if you were a high school sophomore, but since the President and Senator are fighting it has me wondering how these idiots keep getting elected. What are the republicans offering that gets people to vote for them? 

1. Rid the world of abortion. Even though abortions rise when R are in the presidency. Lack of sex education = more abortion. 

2. Guns. “They’re gonna take our guns.” Okay, you need a gun for what? That one incident where you used a gun to protect you? Statistics show you are more likely to shoot someone you know than an intruder. So, you aren’t safer then, are you? The zombie apocalypse? The government taking over? Hunting? Okay, have a rifle and shotgun. Keep a handgun in your house if you don’t mind killing someone you know, but we all know you don’t need an assault rifle. 

3. Taxes…um, unless you are a millionaire you realize there isn’t going to be a tax cut for you. So… are you voting just in case you become a millionaire? Kinda like needed an assault rifle isn’t it? 

4. Fear…this is the entire republican platform: Fear. Fear other countries. Fear your neighbor. Fear the government is going to take your stuff. Fear people from other countries. Fear other people are having unprotected sex. Fear science. Fear statistics. Fear Hollywood. Fear rap music. Fear socialized medicine. Fear death panels. Trust Big Brother. 

I remember the words of some guy, “We have nothing to fear, but fear itself.” He then turned to the waiter and said, “Pass me a souvlaki.”

Day 262

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumplestillskin and Senator Bob Corker are still twittering at each other. Trumplestillskin claims that Corker asked him for an endorsement and The Mini Peach Putin refused…this is, of course, a lie. For a guy who is such a straight shooter and truth teller, he sure lies a lot. 

Speaking of lies. Mike “I’m So Stiff My Wife Never Irons My Clothes” Pence has gotten caught up in the Trump reality show. Pence went to watch a Colts game. (Where he tweeted a picture of him at a Colts game from three years ago. Here I am at the Colts game…in 2014.) The whole reason he went to the game was to walk out after the National Anthem. How do we know this? The pool reporters were told to stay in the van because Pence would be right back after the National Anthem. So, there you go. The Vice President is now Trumplestillskin’s photo-op meme boy. 

In happier news, T-Rex Tillerson, James “Mad Dog” Mattis, and Steve “Grandma Glasses” Mnuchin have a junior high suicide pact. (This next part is partially fiction. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is real and what I’m making up.) Apparently they all got drunk, found their way down to the White House basement, and swore to be best friends forever. Then they said, “If you get fired, I’ll quit.” They all cut their hands like in the movies and became blood brothers. Tillerson and Mattis probably need this kind of pact to keep our country from being destroyed, Mnuchin was just happy to have two friends. #lonelyboy #GrandmaGlasses #MyWifeHasTheCheckbook

As we all wait for the “storm” Trumplestillskin has promised is coming, let’s reflect on where we are…we have a three-year-old running our country (and when I say running, I mean he has a briefcase full of codes to destroy the world), we have a VP who took the time to fly to Indianapolis from Las Vegas on his way to Los Angeles so he could walk out on a protest about police brutality, and we have three cabinet secretaries who have promised to run to the nearest underground bunker if any of them are fired. Is this America’s finest moment? Maybe a close second? 

If there is one thing future generations will wonder it is why this happened and why there wasn’t a Souvlaki Hut on every corner.

Day 263

The “who is the bigger moron contest” controversy continues in the White House. It is being reported that after T-Rex Tillerson called The Mini Peach Putin a moron, Trumplestillskin challenged Tillerson to an IQ test challenge. Okay, I’m not sure where Agent Orange is getting his IQ confidence…maybe he took one of those Facebook quizzes that steals all your information and tells you you are a genius, or maybe he took his test while enrolling at Pency Prep. #PhonyAdults #MoldingFineYoungMen Either way, Trumpopo believes he has a high IQ. Tillerson…I’m not sure, but he has got to be smarter than Trump. I say let’s have a Jeopardy game with Tillerson, Trumplestillskin, and Hillary. Make it a weeklong extravaganza. Who wouldn’t watch that? I’d even let Trump see the questions beforehand. 

Steve “My Liver Is As Gray As The Moon” Bannon is getting his minions ready to attack every republican congressman and senator…except Ted Cruz. Are you kidding me? Ted Cruz…the guy who looks like a poorly done wax figure of Eddie Munster? This is the guy you want back in the Senate? Well, good luck Mr. Bannon. 

Jimmy Kimmel has somehow become the most relevant political critic in the US. He took on Trumpcare and helped to kill it. This weekend he took on Trumplestillskin and Don-Fredo in a twitter battle over the Harvey “Creepy Guy With Money” Weinstein’s sexual predatory behavior. DJTJR wanted a Weinstein joke…and he got one…after Kimmel reminded DJTJR that Don-Fredo’s daddy has a history too. Don’t bring a knife to a p—- grabbing fight is my advice.

The other piece of advice I have for all of you is to eat souvlaki.

Day 264

Well, here we are. We are flying bombers over the Korean Peninsula because Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin wants to show the little rocket man who is the boss. Can’t we just get these two together and have them fight to the death? If we call it the battle of the perfect human, I think they’ll both buy in. They both think pretty highly of themselves, so it could save us a lot of trouble. The winner gets the entire Korea Peninsula. Just call me Mr. Art of the Deal. 

Carter “Which Russian Are You Asking About” Page is going to plead the 5th when he is asked to turn over documents to the Russian investigation. This turnip head has vanished from the airwaves since he was interviewed and admitted to meeting with a few Russians. Trumplestillskin then said he didn’t know Carter Page. I totally understand, it’s hard to keep track of all the guys Trump hired to work for him and the Russians. I mean if it was just Don-Fredo, Manafort, and Bannon it would be easier, but there are at least a dozen dudes. They should all start learning how to make a shank out of a spoon. 

The Russian cyber security company was hacked…by Israel. Then Israel told the NSA, “Hey, these guys have your passwords and pictures of you in bed with a goat.” The NSA has made no comment and is currently finding pictures of Israel in bed with Yasser Arafat. 

The Pittsburgh Penguins visited the White House and Trumplestillskin said they were “incredible patriots.” I’m not sure how I should take that. Of the 24 players on the Penguins team, 9 are from Canada, 2 from Finland, 2 from Sweden, 1 German, and 1 Russian. So… more than half of the team is from somewhere other than the US? Or, does Trump believe the National Hockey League is made up of US citizens? I hope they kept an eye on the Russian guy. He was probably there to pick up all the spy gear left by the Russian Spies Trump let into the Oval Office to brag about firing Comey. 

I won’t be watching any hockey this year because they seem to be prejudiced against Greek players. Zero Greek hockey players in the NHL. I stand with my souvlaki brothers. #NoNHLUntilGreeksCanPlay

Day 265

In 100 days we will reach one year of rule under the Trumplestillskin administration…if we survive the next 100 days…or if Agent Orange survives.

This morning it sounds like everyone in Washington DC hates Donnie Trumpie. White House Chief of Staff, Machine Gun Kelly is miserable. T-Rex Tillerson is angry. Who knows where Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions is hiding…probably in an empty tin can of tuna. Sarah Huckabee Saunders’ makeup is slowly turning her into a Sith Lord. And sitting in the middle of this mess is a three-year-old who is angry because he didn’t get everything he wanted. 

Statesman Eminem has a freeform rap about Trumplestillskin that is blowing up the internet. I tried to watch it, but when it comes to white guys spitting mad rhymes, I’ll stick with John Keats. 

Because Agent Orange Julius Caesar doesn’t know how the Constitution works, or what his job is, he wants to revoke NBC’s license. Imagine if Obama had suggested the same thing for Faux Newz. The old white guys in our country would have bought ALL the guns and started fortifying their double-wide’s. Senator Ben “It’s Pronounced SASS, Not Sassy” Sasse (R-NE) has asked if Trump is forgetting his oath of office. You know the part where he promised to protect the Constitution. Remember the oath? That was where the largest group of people gathered in the history of the world. The sun came out as Trumplestillskin was speaking and God’s voice was heard to say, “This is some guy from New Jersey. I’ve done better. What’s the deal with the electoral college? Really dumb, guys.” 

Well, we can all be assured that we made it this far surviving on souvlaki and lies. We can make it 100 more days.

Day 266

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster- Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin signed an executive order to end subsidies for Obamacare. So this is the repeal and replace? This is the better, cheaper plan? This is going to help out those coal miners in West Virginia? What this is, for those of you not paying attention, is Trumpenstein doing the only thing he knows how to do. Sign executive orders to kill programs that help people or have Obama’s name on them. The only group he is interested in helping is his buddies at Mar-a-Lago. Too bad there weren’t paper towels at his signing ceremony, he could have tossed them out to people losing their healthcare. 

If you want to see something entertaining, watch Rand Paul at the ceremony. He looks like a hostage in an ISIS video. 

If you want to be even more entertained go back and look at old tweets Trumpenstein made about Rand “This IS My Real Hair” Paul during the election. Our president is all class. 

Speaking of class, Trumplestillskin was being interviewed by Sean “GI Joe Hair” Hannity at a military base. The lowering of the flag ceremony began, along with the playing of Retreat Bugle call, and Trumpenstein didn’t stand and put his hand over his heart as required by the rules of the super patriot game. In fact, he sat through the ceremony and talked to the empty-headed animal posing as a newsman. 

Well, there you go. Welcome to Trump’s America. A nation where white rich guys get to break all the rules and everyone else is an enemy of the state. 

I’m going to drown my sorrows in a gallon of tzatziki sauce.

Day 267

Bob Corker is still getting the best of President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumpenstein on Twitter. He is criticizing Trumlestillskin for the way he is treating T-Rex Tillerson and has had a few zingers tossed in there. 

Reince “Spell Check Hates My Name” Priebus has made his trip to Mueller’s office and it shouldn’t be long before all this mess is made public. Let’s get it done!

Until then, enjoy your Saturday and have a souvlaki on me.

Day 268

60 Minutes is going to expose the opioid hypocrisy in congress tonight when they show how the corporations paid off congressmen to strip the DEA of power. So, when you say, “Government should be run like a business, is this what you mean?” 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein is going to decertify the Iran nuclear deal and kick the can to congress where they will be forced to vote on it. This is a cynical bit of politicking that is going to put all his enemies on record so he can leverage tax cuts for his buddies. He’s done the same thing by revoking Obamacare payments. People will lose healthcare and die because Trumplestillskin wants to revoke any Obama era program. His promise to revoke and replace is going to be left up to someone else. This is his art of the deal. Damage people and then say, “Not my fault.” His entire “plan” is to run the country like he has run his businesses, bully until you break the little guy…if that doesn’t work, run away. 

More than 50% of republicans want war with North Korea. Yep, as long as they don’t have to fight, or know anyone who has to fight, they’re all for it. The entire republican platform can be summed up in this simple concept: I don’t care, as long as it doesn’t hurt me. Revoke Obamacare? Sure, that won’t hurt me…or will it? War with North Korea? Yep, I live in a place not worth bombing. Women’s rights? Not my problem. Public education? My kids already graduated. Roads? Somebody better fix this pothole. Immigration? Put up a stupid wall. Government oversight of businesses? Stop regulating my clean water and air…I want to reduce the life expectancy in this country so I still get Social Security. 

Trumplestillskin keeps saying that what we have done with NK for the last 50 years hasn’t worked. Well, we haven’t been sending troops to get killed there for 50 years, I suppose I’m naive thinking that is a small victory. 

Another small victory is that Trump hasn’t killed us all. Just goes to show that the human spirit is unbreakable…ask Winston Smith, it all works out in the end. 

Victory gin, victory cigarettes, and victory souvlaki.

Day 269

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad-Hair Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstien has his big chance to show us all the art of the deal. His campaign spent one million American dollars in the last quarter on legal fees. Most of this is for the Russian defense, but some is probably defending the secret recipe of spray tan. (Rumor has it that it is made of finely blended orange juice, crushed shrimp shells, and Orangutan hair. Spray on, let sit for twenty minutes, and you’re good to go for 24 hours.) The Russian defense can be ended and Trumplestillskin can make 9 million in profit by simply turning all the Russian election fixing information over to Larry Flynt who is offering ten million dollars for information that will impeach Trumpenstein. This is a win, win, win, win. Larry wins. America wins. The world wins. Russia loses, which is a win. 

Come on, Mr. Art of the Deal! That’s nine million dollars looking your in your orange face, or, about three million souvlaki!

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