Day: January 2, 2021

Day 250

Really? 250! President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin is still at war with the NFL and every God fearing American is supposed to be offended that a group of large men in tight pants don’t want to celebrate patriotism by standing during a song. Here’s what offends me, I have to drive by some idiot’s house who flies a confederate flag on my way to work. Anyone questioning that turnip head’s patriotism? Probably not. Something else that offends me is the idea that patriotism is indoctrination and not action. You want to be a superstar patriot, get off the couch and go do something good for your community. 

Speaking of idiots, Roger “Hairplugs Can’t Fix Ugly” Stone is going to have to face Russian investigators this week. Do I want Stone to go to prison? Yes, simply because he’d have to explain his Nixon tattoo in the prison showers. 

“Hey, boy, is that your daddy on your back?” 

“No, that’s Richard Nixon.”

“You got a tattoo of Richard Nixon on your back?” 

“Yes.” 

“Why?”

“Because I’m an idiot.” 

“I thought so.” 

If you’ve been reading the paper, or looking at a screen with news on it, you’ll have seen that Team Trumplestillskin thinks that traveling with regular people on a plane isn’t all that fun, but you know what is fun? Traveling by personal jet paid for by taxpayers. What else is fun? Using personal servers for White House email business. Yep, these clowns think the rules don’t apply to them. (History supports this belief. White guys with money generally don’t get arrested and put in jail. Unless they have stolen money from other richer whiter guys with money.) Where’s the moral outrage Faux Newz? Too busy covering the NFL Black Guys Kneeling story? 

Two hundred fifty days…it feels like four thousand. When will this rolling circus hit a curb? Agent Mueller, stop talking to the Log Lady, she doesn’t know what is going on. Stay out of the red curtained room. One slice of cherry pie and a “damn fine cup of coffee” is enough to get you through the day. Wrap up the investigation and put Ivanka’s dad in jail. 

I’ll be enjoying a few more souvlaki until then.

Day 251

The zombie healthcare bill has officially died in the Senate for about the fifteenth time. After over fifty votes to repeal Obamacare while Obama was president, after running on repealing and replacing Obamacare, and after spending 251 days with majorities in the House and Senate the world’s greatest deal maker lost again. Winning and winning and winning…I’m so sick of winning. 

Faux Newz is reporting that President Trumpalot Von Micro-Digits (after 250 days I’ve decided to start a new name string for the donald, I’ll be working out the kinks this week) is getting prototype walls built in San Diego. Isn’t there a LegoLand nearby where they could do this work? The picture on Faux Newz (Yes, I braved that webpage for you) looks like a chain link fence with a bunch of orange plastic jersey barriers around it. Maybe this is the wall that will go around the wall that will be protected by jersey barriers that will be protected by a moat that will be protected by a sign that says, “Rapist, Drug Dealers, and Murderers Stay out!” A second sign will be put up on the Mexican side of the wall that says, “Your tax dollars at work.” 

Trumpalot supported Luther “Are Both My Names Superhero Villain Names” Strange in Alabama…Luther lost. The man with little hands then went and deleted all his tweets telling the people of Alabama to vote for Strange. The Orange Oligarch needs to realize most Trump supporters in Alabama just got dial up a couple months ago. If he wants to communicate with them, he needs to open and American Online account. 

The devastation in Puerto Rico is something that the president doesn’t seem too concerned about. Since he’s from NY, he must think that Puerto Rico is the country that the bad gang in West Side Story is from and therefore deserves to be ignored. “These Puerto Ricans are coming here. They’re rapists, they’re drug dealers, they’re murders…they’re fighting at our dances…they’re kneeling during that song about America…they’re stabbing good people in the Jets gang. I’m going to build a wall and Puerto Rico is going to pay for it.”

“Mr. Trump there is an ocean between Puerto Rico and the US.”

“Oh, in that case I’m going to put a moat in the ocean and Puerto Rico will pay for it…just like they paid $32 million when I screwed them over my golf club. Puerto Ricans should all go back to their country.” 

“They are part of the US.”

“Really? That’s good news. I’m going to be looking for a younger wife soon and that young Maria girl is a ten.”

Souvlaki, I just met a sandwich named souvlaki. And suddenly that name will never be the same to me…

Day 252

Huge Hefner died, THE KUSH is a woman according to his voter registration, and President “Putin On The Ritz” Trump believes he has enough votes to get the Senate healthcare bill through…two days after Mitch “Turtles Are People Too” McConnell announced there would be no vote because he can count numbers. (Trump can count to ten. He can count to twenty when he has his shoes off…twenty and a half when he is naked.) THE KUSH is claiming his voter registration was a miscommunication. Is THE KUSH the guy republicans were worried would go into women’s restrooms? Can this guy fill out any paperwork without making an error? What is going on? This is the guy who is going to create Middle East peace? 

The Trumperstar tax plan is out. Here’s the good news, everyone gets a break. Everyone! Yeah! No more paying for roads, or schools, or all that stuff that the government can just give us for free. I’ll summarize the tax plan simply: Rich get richer, everyone else–social Darwinism. 

The NFL protest thing is reaching a tipping point. USLF-Trump doesn’t seem to understand his continued support of firing people for expressing opinions isn’t really a thing in the US. That’s more of a North Korea thing, or Russian thing, or Chinese thing. I’m glad he has enough time in his day to continue to fight for the killing of unarmed black men. 

Steve “Darth Vader Without the Helmet” Bannon is recruiting the next round of politicians to drain the swamp in WA DC. His first winner was the cowboy hat wearing Alabama lunatic Roy Moore. What Bannon is looking for in a candidate: 

1. Cowboy hat wearer

2. Willing to incite racial hatred

3. Possibly literate

4. Male

5. Listens to the Pappy O’Daniel Flour Hour

6. Loves NASCAR, SEC Football, and Mama

7. Kneels at the cross and stands next to the flag

8. Thinks Hitler had some good ideas

9. Never eats souvlaki.

Day 253

I’m happy to announce that THE KUSH is a dude. Apparently, there was a data entry mistake on his voter registration. Now can someone find out if Steven Miller has checked the Cyborg box on his voter card?

Puerto Rico is struggling to get food, water, and electricity to people. The Mini-Peach-Putin doesn’t seem too concerned and instead of focusing on the disaster he is tweeting about the NFL players disrespecting the flag. RANT ALERT!!! RANT ALERT!!! I’m going to explain this using little words. The protests are not about the flag. The protests are about the killing of unarmed black men by police. If you think it is about disrespecting the flag, then you are a simpleton. If you think it is worse to kneel during the playing of the national anthem than to tolerate the systematic violence against people of color in our country, then in the words of poet John Lennon, “You say you got a real solution. Well, you know we’d all love to see the plan.” Maybe people of color in our country should start open carrying machine guns to protect themselves…how would you feel about that? Maybe violent protests around the country would help? Maybe all the professional athletes in the US should stop playing the games we all love to watch and see if that gets your damn attention. (This works fine for me since my two favorite sports to watch are international soccer and rugby.) Hey snowflake, stop being a baby about a flag and start caring about people!

I’m gonna keep caring about my family, my friends, and my souvlaki.

Day 254

The President of the United States, The Mini-Peach-Putin is tweeting that Puerto Rico wants everything done for them. Most of the island has no power, no water, and no gas. Yep, that’s some fine leadership there; blame other people when you suck. This is the most Trump moment of his entire presidency: Self-centered, vindictive, and petty. 

There are days I still can’t believe this turnip head is our elected leader. There isn’t enough souvlaki in the world to make it better.

Day 255

The National Embarrassment Tour, the embodiment of the end of the American Trumpire was out golfing today while the people of Puerto Rico try to get their lives back together. His “they want everything done for them” tweet has been used under a picture of the Trump family which I think fits better. 

Other than that, there isn’t much to report because all of Turnip-head-Trump’s plans are DOA…his tax plan is next. Winning and winning…yep. 

I am hoping the NFL players all kneel during the playing of the Souvlaki Hut video today.

Day 256

President Trumpoo Von Trumpoo dedicated the President’s golf trophy to the victims of the hurricanes. Yep, that’s what these people need, a trophy. (Engrave it with “Participation in a Hurricane, 2017.”) I’m sure all the people in Puerto Rico were pretty pumped when they heard the news…wait, they don’t have power, so they probably don’t know yet. Maybe the Mini-Peach-Putin should deliver it to them. If he filled it with clean drinking water, they might actually be happy. 

Gov Kasich says he may leave the GOP unless things change. I’m not sure what he means, maybe he just thinks there aren’t enough racist voters in Ohio to get him reelected. 

Steve “Grandma Glasses” Mnuchin says there is no guarantee of a middle-class tax cut in the Trump tax plan. You know what I can guarantee? The rich will do much better in this tax plan than the poor. You know how I know? Trump said the exact opposite. “My friends are going to hate me. They are going to call me. They are going to be mad. This is going to hurt me too, but it’s the right thing to do.” Can anyone lie that much and not burst into flames? Eliminating the estate tax alone will save Trumpoo over a billion dollars. Yeah, I’ll be getting a billion-dollar tax break in the year 4040 when the average income in 600 billion dollars. 

It’s probably too early to say that maybe it’s time to think about reducing the number of guns in the US. A crazy white dude just shot over 200 people and killed as many as 50 in Las Vegas. Not terrorism…unless you count every mass shooting as terrorism…which I do. Terrorism is what happens when someone from the Middle East kills people. This is just another day in the USA, where guns are like hamburgers. You want it your way? Well, here you go. Get one with lots of bullets so you can shoot that bad guy with a gun.

“If you don’t like it, move somewhere else.” 

“Okay, I’m looking for a place where I can get a souvlaki and they have reasonable gun laws…so just about anywhere in the world.”

Day 257

The Mini-Peach Putin, The Carrot Colored Gaddafi is off to Puerto Rico today. Here’s my prediction: 

1. Largest, biggest will be said several times.

2. He will be wearing a hat that will be for sale on his website.

3. He’ll be nice until he is on Air Force One and heading back to WA DC. Then he will tweet something about democrats and Puerto Ricans wanting everything done for them. 

The most important news is at the Supreme Court where they will be ruling on gerrymandering in Wisconsin. This decision will have long lasting impacts on our government and ruling party. I don’t care if you are a R or a D, we should all agree that gerrymandering is wrong and shouldn’t be used to fix elections. 

THE KUSH had a third email address used for government work. This guy is his own full-blown scandal. He can’t fill out a form without lying. He can’t remember anything. He would be dealing crack out of the trunk of a 73 Dodge Dart if his daddy and daddy in law weren’t rich. THE KUSH= all the evidence you ever need that privilege exists. 

Pat Robertson is blaming the shooting in Las Vegas on people being disrespectful to The Peach Pol Pot. We all probably realize that Robertson’s brain has been misfiring for about 40 years now, but I’m not sure this makes sense to the most delusional member of Pat’s cult. Let me explain the shooting using a simple analogy. I have a car. It sits in a garage. It didn’t kill anyone today. See, my car is guiltless. It is people who make my car bad. So, when I register my car and the government regulates my car. I don’t complain because cars can be dangerous. I also have to get insurance to drive my car in case I hurt someone else with my car, because cars can hurt other people. If I misuse my car, I can get arrested and put in jail. If someone steals my car I report it stolen. If I modify my car in a dangerous way, I can be punished. There is no reason to own fifty cars. There is no reason to own a car that can drive 500 miles per hour. There is no reason for me to drive my car through Walmart because of my second amendment rights…wait, what am I talking about? Oh yeah, GUNS ARE USED TO KILL. There is no other purpose to a gun. Cars are used for transportation and WE REGISTER AND REGULATE CARS!!! IDIOTS!!! All of you second amendment nuts can move to Somalia and shoot all you want. The rest of us, the MAJORITY, want reasonable gun control. 

If you want to pry anything from my cold dead hands, it’ll be a souvlaki.

Day 258

The Carrot Colored Gaddafi went to Puerto Rico yesterday. He had two weeks to prepare for this visit, but once he was allowed to wander around the set off script he managed to up the disaster ante. 

1. He went to a church where he shot rolls of paper towels like he was tossing t-shirts to an NBA crowd…or tossing bread to starving people.

2. He said that it was an “incredible trip” with a “lovely response,” like he was visiting a newly christened cruise ship. 

3. He said that the disaster wasn’t as real as Catrina because fewer people died. With that said, the Titanic wasn’t too bad either because, you know, WW1 and WW2. 

4. He showed as much humility, empathy, and understanding of what is like to experience tragedy as an Egyptian Pharaoh. 

5. He was a moron. No surprise here. 

The problem is that all of this stuff won’t make any difference to his base who love that he trolled the Puerto Ricans before visiting. They’ll think it’s funny until The Mini Peach Putin does something that directly hurts them. 

In other news, latest GOP hypocrite, Tim Murphy (Penn), has some explaining to do. This guy is the poster child for the anti-abortion message. His message is this, “Abortions are not for people…unless those people are my mistress.” I’m sure his wife will stand by her man, but if not, he can head to the Appalachian Trail to clear his head. Mark Sanford can give you directions, Mr. Murphy. 

If Mr. Murphy needs directions to a Souvlaki Hut give me a call.

Day 259: T-Rex Tillerson said it. He has not denied it. He was 100% right. He called The Carrot Colored Gaddafi a “moron.” We don’t know the context of the name calling, but we can be sure that when it happened everyone around Trumplestillskin said, “Yep.” 

The five surviving ex-presidents will all be at a benefit concert for hurricane relief: Carter, Bush 1, Clinton, Bush 2, and Obama. After Trump gets put in jail, will he be included in these events?

Trump will show up in his gold-plated wheelchair, a fresh tan sprayed over his portly body, wearing a red, white and blue Puma track suit. He’ll wear a Make America America Again hat and say racist things like a KKK doll with a pull string voice box. 

How will history judge this time in America? I think we’re going to get a 3 from the German judge, a 4 from the North Korean judge, a 2 from the Canadian judge, and a 10 from the Russian judge. The Greek judge is going to give souvlaki a 10 and Trump a 2.

Day 260

Really people? We’re still doing this? I not talking about the Souvlaki Hut, I’m talking about our country being run by a four-year-old. 

Yesterday, The Carrot Colored Gaddafi met with our military leaders and said that it was the calm before the storm. Is he talking about North Korea? Is he talking about Iran? (He’s calling to decertify the Iran nuclear deal.) Is he talking about the next hurricane winding its way toward New Orleans? Is this what he says to Melania each night before falling asleep in the Lincoln bedroom covered in bits of Lays Sour Cream and Onion potato chips? 

It’s probably North Korea. I hope his “storm” planning involves how to remove 20 million civilians from South Korea and 50 million civilians from Japan. I’m certain that the military leaders are saying the same thing Vice President Darth Cheney said before invading Iran, “We’ll be greeted as liberators.” Yep, that’s how it worked. It’s harder than that to change people who have been brainwashed for their entire lives. These North Koreans aren’t just going to set their guns down on the ground and say, “Thanks. I didn’t want to use this anyway.” Kinda like NRA members who, when presented with a logical argument about how guns don’t make people safer, will hand over their AK-47s and AR-15s. They aren’t likely to see LOGICAL thinking and agree that guns do kill people. Or people who support the Mini-Peach-Putin and watch Faux Newz every morning…logic doesn’t stop them in their tracks as they think about how Trumplestillskin sold our election to the Russians, lies on a daily basis, and is doing everything he can to screw the little guy. Nope, people who have surrendered the part of their brain that helps them make logical decisions aren’t going to suddenly see the light. So, if the storm is invading North Korea, then let me just say the same thing I always say when it comes to war…I’m already against the next one. 

Everyone’s favorite Racist Elvin cookie maker got out of the closet Steve Road Warrior (I fought the road and the road won) Bannon locked him in three months ago. Mr. Sessions has decided that transgender people aren’t people. At least that’s my legal understanding of what he has said about discrimination laws protecting transgender people. If discrimination laws don’t protect transgendered people then they must not be people in his mind, because there is no other explanation for thinking that they don’t have rights like every American. This is a slippery slope for an elf. I don’t know if elves are protected under discrimination laws either. Maybe we can count elves as 3/5ths of a person and take away their rights too. While we’re at it, can we make a law preventing snickerdoodles from being over-cooked? Come on Sessions! Snickerdoodles are supposed to be soft in the middle…just like a souvlaki.

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