Day: January 2, 2021

Day 240

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin is refusing to release the guest sign-in at Mar-a-Lago. Why would anyone be interested in that? Well, I managed to obtain a secret copy and have transcribed the visitors below (the list is in rank order of number of appearances): 

Name Purpose

1. Vlad Putin: Checking in on my BFF (I still have the tape.)

2. Igor Radmonovich : Bribery for Trump Tower Moscow

3. Dennis Rodman: Applying for North Korean Ambassador

4. Barron Trump: I want my allowance!

5. Don-Fredo Trump: I want my allowance!

6. China: Dropping off MAGA hats

7. The Mooch: Looking for my house keys

8. Koch Bros: Bribery

9. Exxon Corp: Bribery

10. David Duke: New secret hand gesture

11. Ghost of Hitler: Just checking in on new “plan”

12. Joel Olsteen: Praying for more money

13. Ted Nugent: Wango Tango

14. Fox Newz: Picking up talking points

15. Hurricane Irma: Passing through

16. Richard Spencer: One good guy, visiting another good guy

17. Tiffany Trump: I want my allowance!

18. Eric Trump: I just want someone to love me

19. Sarah Palin: Putting lipstick on a pig

20. Land Shark: Pizza delivery

In other news, Sheriff David “Milwaukee Doesn’t Have Enough Cowboy Hats” Clarke has been told to rewrite his thesis or he will lose his degree. I doubt he’s too worried about it, he can get his next degree the same place he got all those medals he has on his uniform: Chuck E Cheese.

Facebook turned over its Russian ad information only after it had been ordered to by the courts. Mueller seems to be digging into how Russia fixed the election. After 240 days, he needs to hurry up. I want to get back to posting cat videos and eating something other than souvlaki.

Day 241

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin will be addressing the UN tomorrow. I hope he mentions the size of the crowd, his overwhelming victory, and it will be really interesting when he tries to get the crowd to chant “lock her up.” He should probably save his Mexican wall bit for a different crowd. 

Speaking of different crowds, there were duel/dual rallies yesterday in WA DC. A “I Support Trump” rally and an “Insane Clown Posse” rally. More people showed up for the Insane Clown Posse. The Juggalos (Insane Clown Posse fans) out numbered the Trumplestillskin crowd…PERIOD. It was the biggest Juggalo rally ever…PERIOD. It was bigger than the Bozo the Clown rally…PERIOD. 

Trump-roast’s stance on DACA is like his stance on being married. One day he’s in, and the next he’s out. It all might be a ploy to sell more MAGA hats because all his fans are burning them after they heard that he might let non-white people stay in the US. The non-white people had a message for the Orange Autocrat, “We were here first.” 

UN Ambassador Nikki “Six” Haley said that we have exhausted all options with North Korea. There are a few things we haven’t tried: 

1. Put up Walmart’s all along the border. 

2. Drop Rambo into North Korea. 

3. Set up huge speakers and play Gangman Style 24/7. 

4. Trade Donald Trump for a pack of gum and a promise to behave. 

5. Build a wall and have North Korea pay for it. 

6. Drop an IKEA into North Korea but make it one without an exit. Everyone in North Korea will be lost in the store and then we send in Chuck Norris. 

7. Have David Hasselhoff do a concert along the South Korean border. It worked in Germany. 

8. Drop VHS versions of Interstellar into North Korea. That’ll mess their heads up for 20 years. (North Korea may still be using LaserDisks, so we’ll want to check into that before starting up a VHS factory.)

9. Sign North Korea up for 1,000,000 wine of the month club subscriptions. 

10. Hold Dennis Rodman hostage. 

11. Make them watch a Souvlaki Hut commercial for 241 days in a row.

Day 242

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin was back on Twitter yesterday. He retweeted a gif of him hitting a golfball that struck Hillary and knocked her down. This the President of the United States…retweeting a gif…long sigh. You’d think he didn’t have anything to do. He is going to be speaking at the UN today. His main speech writer, Stephen “Robot Recall” Miller is going to have his challenges with this one. He can’t use any big words, because Trump never reads the speeches until his sees them on the teleprompter. Don’t believe it, watch as he reads his speeches, it’s like he gets surprised by what he is saying. “We will go to Mars.” Nods, smiles, mouths, “Wow, we’re going to Mars. Who would have known?” 

Alec Baldwin won an Emmy for his portrayal of the POTUS. I wasn’t sure if the award was for bravely portraying the Trumpster-fire, or for managing to play the President without getting sick all over himself. The highlight of the Emmy Awards was Sean “Spicy” Spicer’s appearance. Very funny. 

Michael “Resting Worried Face” Cohen will be testifying in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee tomorrow. Cohen is one of Trumplestillskin’s business partners and knows where all the Russian money is buried. Good luck Cohen. Enjoy your Fifth Amendment. 

I’ll enjoy a souvlaki.

Day 243

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin wants to have a 4th of July military parade…like North Korea, China, Russia, and France. (Yeah, France likes to show off its big guns too. Seems a bit un-French but somebody has got to protect the price of a baguette.) Trumplestillskin is an infant. “I like the big guns. Give me the big guns.” Come on! If you really want to scare the world, have a parade of Confederacy supporters. It’d be like a casting call for Deliverance 2: Revenge of the South. The rest of the world would be like, “They are crazy. Don’t mess with them.” 

The biggest news of the day is that Paul “Grab the Cannoli Leave the Gun” Manafort was wiretapped…for good reason. He seems to be the front man for all the Russian interference. Now, was he following orders, or was he doing this all on his own? The FBI raided his house, a storage locker, and raided Putin’s heart. I don’t know what they found, but Putin’s heart was an empty husk of dried beet leaves. Will Manafort talk? Will he roll over on The Radish Shaped Ruler? Will Don-Fredo get his allowance? Where is THE KUSH? Strange things are afoot at the San Dimas Circle K…and on the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and K Street. 

Hillary “Not Liza Minelli In a Costume” Clinton said she would question the legitimacy of the election if The Mini Peach Putin is shown to be behind the Russian hacking of the election. Can we just hit pause for a moment? Sure, I don’t like waking up every morning and wondering, “What did he do now?” But I also don’t want to spend the next three years having to listen to Rush “The Blue Pill Makes You Larger and The White Pill Makes You Feel Smaller” Limbaugh chanting “lock her up” over the airwaves. Can we just get a cardboard cut-out of Lincoln and that can be our president for three years? I mean, really, after Trumpster-fire I’m convinced that a 16 oz glass of water from Lake Michigan could be our president. 

What goes best with 16 oz of cool lake water? Souvlaki!

Day 244

The UN has a tradition of having at least one unhinged national leader speak each year, this year filling the role was non-other than President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin. He managed to call another leader “the rocket man” and threaten to destroy North Korea if they tried to touch our cookies. If you didn’t know, Trumplestillskin was offered the role of president in the movie Sharknado…can someone please check to see that he doesn’t think he is starring in a really long movie? I mean it, he can’t really believe that this is reality, can he? 

The “Family Values” party, the Grand Old Party, has a new website run by the republican governors’ association. It’s set up to look like a news website, you know like government news, or what one might call propaganda. This won’t bother most people because it isn’t that different than Faux Newz, but I’m continually bothered by the blurring of the line between the truth and whatever it is that we are currently living through…when will Manafort come out of his hidden storage locker and say, “Agent Orange made me do it”? Can we just hit fast forward and get to the trial? 

Another of the GOP’s finest, South Dakota State Rep Lynne DeSanto, posted a gif that said, “All Lives Splatter.” The GIF showed the protestors getting run over by the white supremacist in Charlottesville. Yep, our elected representatives are now the ones posting opponents getting hit by golf balls, slamming news agencies in a WWE wrestling ring, and laughing about the death of a protestor. I’m not saying that democrats haven’t done a few stupid things, but I am saying that it’s about ten to one on the stupid scale. As the philosopher Forrest Gump said, “Stupid is as stupid does.” 

Don’t be stupid, have a souvlaki.

Day 245

Paul “Get the Cannoli Leave the Gun” Manafort had private briefings with a Russian billionaire (aka Russian Spy) during the presidential campaign. Manafort must feel like he has a python wrapped around him as Mueller continues to apply pressure. Mueller has begun to sing Trust In Me from The Jungle Book soundtrack (available on iTunes) to Manafort. 

Melania “I’m Just Here So I Don’t Get Fined” Trumplestillskin gave a rousing anti-bullying speech…In other news, Eva Braun delivered a speech on the pros and cons of opening a second front with Russia during a European land war. 

Jimmy Kimmel knows more about the republican healthcare bill than a republican senator cassidy (he doesn’t deserve any capital letters). Yep, we live in a country where our comedians know more than those who make the laws. 

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin either had trouble pronouncing Namibia or believes there is an African country called Namibia. Maybe Namibia is where Frederick Douglass was been working on the cure for Covfefe. Or is Namibia where all those illegal votes for Hillary came from. Either way, I’ve got some emails to answer, there’s a Prince from Namibia who says he just needs my bank account number and I’ll be rich. 

I’m spending it all on souvlaki.

Day 246

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin and Imperial Leader of the DKK LMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ Kim “Erica” Jong Un “Is the Loneliest Number” are sending angry emojis to each other. If we can get Connor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather to fight, why can’t we get these two “fearless” leaders in a Thunderdome? “Two men enter, one man leaves.” Let’s settle this by having them fight to the death. I don’t think it’s as risky as it may sound…I mean could Un be that much worse than Trump? If Trump won he could live in NK and live out all this autocratic impulses. It seems like a no brainer, but then again, I thought Godfather III would be great too. 

The republicans are back at trying to revoke healthcare in the US. Here are the ins and outs of their proposal: 

1. Women who Trumplestillskin rates as 10s get free healthcare. 

2. Doctor’s visits will be covered 100% as long as there isn’t a need to be examined. Show up, wait in an office, read a couple magazines, and then go home. 

3. Viagra is covered…anything else related to icky swimsuit areas are up to you…you dirty people. 

4. Congress gets free healthcare. 

5. Death panels. 

6. Insurance companies can charge as much as needed. There is literally an arm and a leg charge. 

7. Dr. Ben “Comfortably Numb” Carson’s voice will be recorded and played on a loop for people suffering from insomnia. 

8. Fake tans are covered. 

9. Hair replacement surgery is covered. 

10. Souvlaki is covered…in tzatziki sauce. 

Day 247

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin slipped a brain disk yesterday. Somebody needs to reboot his hard-drive and insert the “Presidential” floppy disk. He attacked John “Brain Cancer Made Me a Maverick Again” McCain. He said NFL players should be fired for exercising their First Amendment rights. He uninvited Steph Curry after Curry said that he wouldn’t be going to the White House to celebrate the NBA championship. (Trumplestillskin must realize that you can’t un-invite someone after they said no.) T-Rump was like a blonde-wigged, racist spinning top, as he spoke to a group of turnip-headed Alabaman Trump supporters in a state so backwards they forgot that cotton candy and cotton are two different things. The crowd cheered, raising their pitchforks above their overall covered torsos. (Alabama state motto: We have shirts, but we don’t need ’em, we got overalls.)

North Korea’s atomic test center collapsed today, either from an earthquake or from the fire and fury of Trumplestillskin’s rhetoric. Un will rebuild…and Trump will pay for it…according to Un. 

Betsy “Free Education Is For Little People” Devos has revoked Title 9 protections and will be visiting the state of Washington this week. I’m sure Seattle will give her a warm PNW welcome. Maybe she should spend time in a state that has low test scores and needs to have their public schools fixed. Here’s how you find those states: The red ones, the ones that voted for Trump. 

I’m heading to Seattle today too…you’ll find me looking for a souvlaki in the Fremont district.

Day 248

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin is taking on professional sports. Apparently, he doesn’t have anything else to do. He has decided to put a line in the sand on the important issue of paying attention during the National Anthem. If you don’t know about Trumplestillskin’s long suffering battle with the NFL watch the 30 for 30 on the USFL called Small Potatoes. It’s about Trumplestillskin’s inability to land an NFL franchise and suing the USFL. He won $1. I’m not kidding, he won a dollar. 

Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? America turns its lonely eye to you…

Other than that, Trump-roast is still under investigation. The North Koreans called him an old school Shakespearian name that means old fool. North Korea: 1 Trump: 0, on the insult game. Rocket Man is funny but not insulting. That’s like calling Trumplestillskin Divorce Guy, or Furniture Shopper. 

Trump care (aka die in a room by yourself…if you’re lucky, if you’re unlucky you’ll die in an alley…your dead body covered by cardboard) is still alive. It will all come down to a battle of the Ayn Rand wing of the GOP and the 1984 wing of the party. Here’s to Victory Gin and Victory Souvlaki!

Day 249

THE KUSH has reappeared in the news. He is not being held hostage in the Middle East where he solved that whole 3,000-year-old war, he is not on an assassin’s mission to North Korea, he is not sending notes to Steve “Yoga Pants” Bannon that say, “Still here. Where you at?”. Nope, THE KUSH has reappeared because he was…wait for it…using an unsecured private email address. “Lock him up! Lock him up!” I’d fake moral outrage, but instead I’ll just ask for a six-month investigation into how this could happen to the smartest man in Washington. 

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin has added seven more nations onto his travel ban. Here’s how I see this, if Trumplestillskin can point out the nation in question on a globe and name it, then he can ban travelers from there. That should limit the travel ban to Mexico, Canada, and Russia. (Maybe, maybe…the United States too.) 

The NFL protests are growing. People are really upset about this. I believe some people think the protest is about the respecting the flag or something like that…that’s a little like saying Rosa Parks was protesting the cleanliness of the bus system in Alabama, or Tommy Smith was protesting OJ Simpson’s arrest, or Donald Trump-roast was protesting good sense by becoming president. To clear things up for people, the protests are about the upcoming Billie Jean King movie. 

The GOP is pushing forward on death care/TrumplestillskinCare. They are currently bribing Alaska and Maine with extra dollars for their votes. Yep, that’s how democracy works. Toss a few bucks my way and I’ll support a bill was something Jefferson took out of the Constitution at the last minute. 

It’s Monday, we’ve survived almost 250 days…how much longer can this go on? 

Please, please, please, Mr. Mueller finish up your investigation and start putting people in jail. I know it is impossible to get tired of souvlaki, but come on, 250 days!

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