Day: January 2, 2021

Day 230

As Hurricane Irma roars towards the hanging chad of Florida, the USA feels like we are being piloted by a drunken Ahab who had his brain bitten off and replaced with a chunk of ivory. Captain Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin is at the helm of the USSMAGA and we are steaming toward the rocks. 

The best news of the day is that Don-Fredo Jr is going to testify in front of the Senate Judiciary committee on Thursday. Here’s my version of how it will go: 

“Did you really email a Russian spy and say you wanted information on Hillary?”

“I didn’t know that was wrong.”

“You didn’t know that colluding with a Russian spy was wrong?”

“Yeah, who knew that asking a foreign country to interfere with our elections was illegal?”

“Are you that dumb?”

“Yes, haven’t you seen my twitter feed? I’m an idiot.” 

In Texas, as soon as they get the Houston area cleaned up, they will be restricting voting rights. They will have to change their motto from “Don’t Mess With Texas” to “Whites Only.” 

The Peach Colored Putin has moved to end DACA. So, for those of you who are still under the impression that Trumplestillskin isn’t a mildewed ear, a king of shreds and patches, a dilapidated racist goon, I challenge you to explain his last three weeks. Explain how pardoning Arpaio wasn’t 100% motivated by racism. Explain how revoking DACA isn’t 100% racist. Those of us who voted against this clown knew that MAGA was code language for Make America More White Again. You knew it too. You said, “Don’t call me a racist.” You said, “The emails.” And now, here we are. A nation that wants to evict members of our communities because their skin color is darker than yours. Is this who we are? Is this the melting pot? Is your American Dream restricted to people who won the birth lottery and were born here? Well, to quote a man who knew all the great words, the big words, “Sad.” I have two words for you also, but since this is a PG-13 Facebook page I won’t write them here. 

Hillary’s book is out. I’m not going to read it. From the excerpts I’ve seen, the book should be called, “It Isn’t My Fault…It’s Everybody Else’s Fault.” I hate sore losers almost as much as I hate sore winners. Yes, the election was probably fixed. Trump probably colluded with Russians…but… maybe posting the same video for 230 days would have been a better use of your time. This Souvlaki Hut ad goes out to Hillary. Better luck next time…and by that I mean, Elizabeth Warren 2020.

Day 231

Donnie-Fredo Trumpo Jr. didn’t get much sleep last night. He was up late practicing saying, “I don’t know that word you are using. Do you have the word’s origin? Is there another way of saying the word? Um…could you use it in a sentence? Okay, collusion. C O I L L U S I O N.” 

“This isn’t a spelling contest, Mr. Trump.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. My dad said it was a spelling bee.”

“It’s not a spelling bee. We have told you that five times.” 

“I’m not very smart. Haven’t you seen my twitter feed?” 

On the other Russian front, Facebook has turned over records of a Russian company buying ads during the election. The “company” is probably called the KGB. 

Maybe the KGB will get memberships at Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin’s golf clubs like the lobbyists are. Yeah, memberships at his clubs are being snapped up by lobbyists who know he spends about 40% of his time at those clubs walking around in a gold robe and Croc sandals. Draining the swamp and moving it to Mar-a-Lago is okay with me as long as the Mini-Peach Putin gets the swamp there before Hurricane Irma arrives. 

A Florida Sheriff will be checking people for warrants if they stay at shelters for protection from Irma. It reminds me of the part of the Bible where Jesus says, “You needed shelter, so I put you in jail.” That’s a classic Bible verse…Two Corinthians…it says it all. 

3,500 American troops are off to Afghanistan. I’ll bet none of them has a last name of Trump. Trump’s are only good at shooting stuff that can’t shoot back and has been located by a guide. 

Paul “Ayn Rand” Ryan has been tossed under the Trump Train. Trumplestillskin is now talking to the Democrats. This is the part of the movie where the audience knows not to go into that room, but Pelosi and Schumer are heading into the room anyway. “What’s in here?”

“Turn on the light, Nancy.” 

“AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” Grover “I’m Not Named After a Sesame Street Character” Norquist walks out from behind the door and stabs everyone in the back with a pitchfork. (Norquist is like Beetlejuice, if you say tax cut three times in a row he appears.) 

If I’m going to stab anything with a fork it’s going to be a souvlaki.

Day 232

The winning won’t stop. Here I am sitting at my computer getting tired of all the winning. Let’s chalk up one more win for the 9th Circuit Court. They just smashed Trumplestillskin’s travel ban…again. This time they said extended family members included far flung family members like aunts, uncles, and grandparents. I don’t know if President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin even remembers that he tried to ban Muslims from the US. He’s got bigger trout to catch. 

No one knows what Donnie-Fredo-Trumpo jr. said yesterday when he was questioned, but we do know there were “gaps” in his testimony and three more contacts with Russians that were previously unreported. Oh well, a lie from a Trump is like seeing a rat at a dump. At first, you’re like, “Oh my God!” but then after a little bit you see rats everywhere and it’s not quite as creepy. “Oh, it’s just another rat.” 

Like FBI Director Wray (Paul Rudd’s ugly brother) said, I don’t smell “a whiff of interference” between the Trumplestillskin administration and the Russian investigation… Um…how did you get your job, dude? Wasn’t the previous FBI Director investigating Russian interference? What happened to Comey? Oh, yeah, he got fired because as Trump-roast said to the Russian Ambassador, “I fired Comey because of the Russian stuff.” Yep, keep moving people. Nothing to see here. 

Irma heads to Florida, an 8.0 earthquake in Mexico, and Kid Rock is running for public office. Kid Rock is running on the platform of “F— any M—–F—— who disrespects the National Anthem.” It is this kind of clear thinking that we need in WA DC. Yep, Senator Kid Rock, the guy who brought the US the law that says everybody must stand for the playing of the National Anthem. This is the bold kind of thinking that we need in these times. Who needs competent men and women to help others after disasters? We need more people who value the National Anthem above all else. Is it time for the Democrats in Michigan to get Eminem to run for office against Kid Rock? Instead of debates they could do some rap battles and find out who the real Slim Shady is. 

In our race to the bottom, let’s enjoy the last few days of existence. Have a souvlaki and relax.

Day 233

Hurricane Irma is still moving toward Rush “I Like Blue Pills and I Cannot Lie” Limbaugh’s house. Irma is upset that there is a bigger bag of hot air in North America. That’s why Ann “Oats for Breakfast Lunch and Dinner” Coulter and President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin’s houses are both in Irma’s path. All the climate change deniers are now wondering why God would want to destroy them…God hates Trump voters. 

Poor Eric Bolling, he is now an ex-member of Faux Newz. It’s a little like being an ex-member of Menudo. In Menudo, you got kicked out after you turned 13. At Faux Newz, You get kicked out after sexually harassing someone, or being sexually harassed. If you forgot about Eric let me remind you that he’s the one who liked to take pictures of his bits and pieces and send them to the blonde lady(s) working at Faux. Now he can pursue his photography as an occupation. I heard the Vienna Sausage company has asked him for a resume. 

Chief Inspector Mueller has put together a list of White House advisors to question. Josh Raffel, James Turnham, and Don McGahn are about to get their 15 minutes of fame. I hope they start testing antiperspirants. Hope “Isn’t Just a Place, It’s the Only Thing We Have Left” Hicks, Reince “And Dry” Priebus, and Sean “Spicy, Spicy” Spicer are also getting called in to testify. Spicer might do some jail time for stealing that mini fridge. It feels to me like things are closing in on our fear-filled leader. 

Steve “Boiled Liver Face” Bannon got interviewed by 60 minutes this week. You can watch the interview Sunday; I’m providing some outtakes. 

60 Minutes, “Steve, why do you look like you just rolled out of a bag of garbage?”

“I sleep in my clothes. In a bed covered in my own vomit.”

“Why?”

“Why not?”

” I mean you have money; you could get a maid.”

“Every maid in America is illegal.” 

“I doubt that is accurate.” 

“Are you questioning me? I’m Steve Bannon. I can contort my body in unbelievable ways.” 

“Can you really? You don’t look like you can get out of bed without help.”

“Wanna see?”

“NO!” 

“I’ve got my gloves off now.” 

“Mr. Bannon, please put your pants back on.” 

“I got my weapon in my hands.”

“Turn the cameras off. Stop that Mr. Bannon. Oh, my Gawd! The Mooch was right!” 

Have a light meal before the 60 Minutes interview, you don’t want to throw up an entire meal. Save the souvlaki for after the interview.

Day 234

Popping my head out of my underground bunker long enough to type this. Irma is hitting Florida’s hanging chad. Equifax got hacked and half of the United States Citizens have had their information put at risk. Hurricane Jose is following Irma like President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin followed Crooked Hillary around the debate stage. The damage from the earthquake in Mexico is still being assessed. North Korea held a party for the scientists who helped build the nuclear weapon. The democrats made a deal with Trumplestillskin…and WSU didn’t Coug it against Boise State. These must be the end times. Eat up kids. There are only a few days of souvlaki eating left.

Day 235

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin will be overseeing his first 9/11 memorial today. Things I hope he doesn’t mention: 

1. His victory. 

2. The size of the crowd. 

3. The media. 

4. North Korea

5. The deal he made with the democrats.

6. The money he got for Trump Tower even though it wasn’t damaged during the attack. 

I’m not sure which interview was more stomach turning: Steve “Street Fighting Made My Face Like This” Bannon on 60 Minutes, or Hillary “Not All My Excuses Are Not For Bill” Clinton on Sunday Morning. Bannon didn’t apologize for anything and Clinton blamed everyone else for not winning the presidency. Anyone else want to help me write a romantic comedy screenplay? When Hillary Met Stevie. “They were enemies…until they weren’t.” 

Priebus and McGahn have hired lawyers. That makes it official. There are no more lawyers left in the US. All of them are in WA DC defending or prosecuting the Trumplestillskin administration. 

North Korea has promised the “greatest pain” to the United States. I’m not sure what that means, but if you’ve stepped on a rock with the heel of your foot you know what NK is planning. I’m checking my shoes every morning until they launch the ICBMs. Better safe than sorry. 

Irma didn’t destroy most of Florida, but it came close. Al Gore is probably behind this whole thing. I’d be mad at Florida too…so close and yet so far. 

I’m going to get up close and personal with a souvlaki this afternoon.

Day 236

Anyone else feel like President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin is hiding in an underground bunker? I haven’t seen his orange face for a few days, but maybe that’s because I’ve been busy. In light of not seeing him for a few days, I’m going to start a rumor that he had a stroke and they are currently looking for an actor to replace him. “Paging Alec Baldwin. Mr. Baldwin please report the the Oval Office.” Maybe it has happened already…Trumplestillskin has stepped across the aisle to work with the democrats. Is Alec Baldwin our president? 

Reports have surfaced that THE KUSH (another invisible man) was asked by Trump-roast’s lawyers to step down. THE KUSH said, “THE KUSH doesn’t step down from anything. I don’t even walk down steps. If I see some stairs going down, I take an elevator. One time in elementary school there were stairs and my daddy build me a personal elevator so I wouldn’t ever have to step down.” Trumplestillskin’s lawyers are worried that THE KUSH’s connections to Russia are going to endanger the Mini-Peach-Putin…if that is really him…and not Alec Baldwin. 

Those bothersome courts are back at it. CA is suing the Trumpster-Fire administration over DACA. If this goes like all the rest of the court cases during the first 236 days, it won’t be long before Trump goes to the mic to say, “These rogue courts are destroying America. All I want to do is make America great again, like Putin did to Russia. #MRGA” The winning, on top of the winning, on top of the winning is starting to feel like losing. 

I will declare one victory for President Agent Orange, the UN has passed sanctions on North Korea. Now, Trumplestillskin did say the UN was worthless and terrible (I’m not sure of the exact quote, but it was probably something erudite like “sad”). Either way, more sanctions against North Korea might get me out of my underground bunker (my underground bunker is a dirty tarp) and thinking we might survive the first year of the Trump administration. I never thought it would happen. 

Let’s celebrate day 236 with a souvlaki for lunch.

Day 237

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin’s administration finally got a win in the courts. They have stopped 24,000 sponsored immigrants from getting into the country. For those 24,000 people this is soul crushing news. It isn’t fair, it isn’t right, it is just plain cruel. Let me think, who was responsible for the last terrorist attack on US soil? Some Ohioan in a muscle car…let’s ban those clowns instead of people fleeing violence and death. 

On a happier note, we found out yesterday the Ted “Wax Face” Cruz likes porn. His twitter feed liked a porn movie and the internet kinda lost its mind. Ted said that it was somebody else’s fault…isn’t this how Anthony Weiner started his trail of lies. “I was hacked” I believe it’s time to check Ted into one of those Mike Pence rewiring camps. 

Bernie “I Do My Own Hair” Sanders is introducing single payer healthcare into the senate. It’s about time. Let’s get this done and move on to more important things like…Kid Rock running for Senate.

Kid “Not Really Rock Or Rap, But More Like A Bag of Garbage Noise–Trump 2.0” started his concert last night by ranting about welfare, healthcare, wealth redistribution, and cultural appropriation. (I made the last one up. It’s ironic.) The concert was held at the Little Caesar Arena. The arena is really two poorly constructed arenas right next to each other that aren’t really arenas but cardboard shells of arenas. They told the city, “You can get two really bad arenas, or one not quite as bad. It’ll cost the same.” (That’s a lot of work for a stupid joke about Little Caesar being terrible pizza.)

Speaking of terrible jokes, Milo “Pay More Attention To Me Than Ann Coulter” Yiannapoulous tweeted out that “My house is gone” during Irma. He now says it was a joke. Yep, that’s funny when people have their houses destroyed. This is the guy who Steve Bannon loves. If a house fell on Milo and he lost his ruby slippers I’d say karma is real. Until then…

North Korea has said they are going to speed up their nuclear tests to fight the “evil sanctions” the UN voted to approve the other day. I’m heading back into my bunker. I’ve got a fresh load of souvlaki that will last me a week.

Day 238

Steve #GrandmaGlasses #ISpentHighSchoolStuffedInALocker Mnuchin asked for a military jet to take him on his honeymoon. His ex-actress, ex-model wife #FaceBySurgeon #PantsByVersace wanted to fly to their honeymoon on the taxpayer’s dime. I think this is an excellent idea…all Americans should get private jets to fly to their honeymoons. Who cares about universal healthcare and free college tuition? I want my honeymoon trip to New Zealand. Where’s Bernie Sanders on this one? 

Sarah “1970s Cher Hair” Huckabee-Sanders wants ESPN’s Jamele Hill fired for tweeting that President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin is a white supremacist. I mean, what would lead Hill to tweet that? The pardoning of Arpaio? The support of the “good people” who chanted blood and soil and Jews will not replace us? The revoking of DACA? Calling Mexicans rapists and murderers? It isn’t like he’s walking around in a sheet with eye holes. I do agree with Huckabee-Sanders. If people tweet offensive things, they should lose their jobs. “Welcome to your new office, President Pence.” I think Texas will be looking for a new Senator to replace Ted “Porn” Cruz-ing too. 

The democrats say they have a deal with Trump on DACA, but Trumplestillskin tweeted that no such deal exists. The democrats need to go furniture shopping to seal the deal. I think a nice rocking chair for Trumpster-Fire’s retirement would be the perfect gift. 

North Korea has announced they are going to sink Japan and turn the US into ashes and darkness. Is this a global warning threat? North Korea has suddenly started their long game of melting the polar ice caps and flooding Japan. Um…hey North Korea, that will flood you too. Or, maybe Un got a Battleship game for his birthday and wants to pretend to sink Japan…”Oh no, you sank my battleship.” 

I’m going to sink my teeth into something delicious: Souvlaki!

Day 239

President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin spent yesterday contradicting himself. He kicked off the day by continuing the claim that both sides were to blame for the violence in Charlottesville. In a philosophical sense he is right. If a bunch of Nazi’s falls in a forest and no one is around, do they make a sound? I’m not sure, but can we find out? I’d like to start with Richard Spencer. 

By the time the evening rolled around, Trump was signing a resolution condemning white supremacists. There are two ways to look at this:

1. He watched Faux Newz in the morning as they covered the Antifa group in Berkley and was like, “Those are some bad hombres,” but then by the time evening rolled around he forgot where he was, who he was, and who his base was, and signed a document he couldn’t read. 

2. He’s an idiot. 

In other hate news, it seems my favorite place to post a daily status report and souvlaki videos was allowing advertisers to target audiences with their ads. Well, that sounds reasonable until you hear that “Jew Haters” was one of the target audiences. This is good information to have because I’ll need some targeted ads for my upcoming book “365 Days Of Trump Souvlaki.” 

For fun, North Korea shot another rocket over Japan. I’m not sure when they will feel the “fire and fury” that Trumplestillskin promised, but his rhetoric isn’t really slowing old Kim Jong Un (the boy king with a boy king haircut) down much. Instead of destroying Korea, maybe Trump-roast is just enjoying Korean BBQ and being told that this is the way to get even with Un. 

Hope “I’m Just Doing This Until Faux Newz Hires Me” Hicks has been named the White House Communications Director. Good luck, Hope. You’ll last longer than the Mooch since he was fired before he was hired. 

Trump will be hiring the guy who help with the Souvlaki Hut video next.

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