Day: January 2, 2021

Day 220

For the third time in 220 days, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin didn’t do anything too crazy yesterday. So, if the pattern persists (and Trump-roast keeps his job all four years) we should have about 24 days out of 1460 where Trumplestillskin doesn’t set the world on fire. 

He did manage to tweet out a book recommendation this morning…Sheriff David Clarke’s new book (hopefully not as plagiarized as his Master’s thesis) “Under Fire.” Is it illegal to use the office of the president to boost sales? Seems to be ethically dubious to me, but I’m pretty sure people who agree with Trump’s world view won’t read more than 140 characters. It isn’t exactly like getting the Oprah stamp of approval. 

Mueller is examining Flynn’s attempts to contact Russian hackers to find Hillary’s 30,000 missing emails. Anyone else hoping that this speed up a little bit? A slow moving investigation indicates a thorough approach, but at some point I want people to be locked up before they start dying of old age. 

Trump will visit Texas after the flooding is done. That’s probably best, no one needs two disasters in the same place at the same time. Let’s hope he gets some of that Tex/Mex food while he’s visiting. Then he can retract that tweet that said the best taco bowls are at Trump Tower. 

I’m going to stick to what I know, souvlaki.

Day 221

Joe Biden wrote an editorial over the weekend where he said that we are currently in a “battle for the soul of the nation.” This isn’t news to anyone…unless you’re watching Faux Newz. If you’re watching that channel, you’re already a member of the white walkers and your soul is lost. (I will be making allusions to Game of Thrones on day 221 since the finale was last night.) 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin is revoking the Obama mandate that limited the sale of military equipment to police forces. This is a two-part strategy:

1. Revoke anything related to Obama. 

2. Prepare to do a Turkey style takeover of the country after the Mueller investigation begins putting relatives of Trumplestillskin in jail. (I’m hoping for a Red Wedding type thing when the investigation wraps up. Let’s hope that it is Trump who is caught unaware.)

The hurricane flooding in Texas has displaced 6.8 million people. I would bring up the fact that there was a Texas senator who voted against providing funding for Hurricane Sandy who is now asking for federal aid (Ted “Sticky Skin” Cruz), but that might seem petty. I might also mention that VP Mike “The Real Slim Shady” Pence also voted against funding for Katrina because he wanted cuts in other programs before he spent money on New Orleans. Are these idiots the Cersei Lannisters of the USA? My interests are: Me. The hypocrisy of these fiscal conservatives is easy to see. Who do they support as their president? The guy who spends money like the country is his private wallet. The only good news is that most often these people end up like Little Finger, caught in their own trap. 

Reports have surfaced that Trump-roast was looking into building a Trump Tower in Moscow while he was running for president. Yep…all Russian roads will lead back to Trump’s bank account. Some people become leaders to serve, others do it for the dollars. 

If you ask me to lead, I’ll guide you…to the nearest Souvlaki Hut.

Day 222

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin will visit Texas tomorrow. Hasn’t the state suffered enough? First it was the Alamo, then all those years where the Cowboys looked like they might be good, and now this double punch of Hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Trumplestillskin. 

Texas is tough, not as tough as they think they are, but they are tough. (Do I still have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to Texas? Yes. Why? I’m not sure, but they seem like they are the frat boy of the fifty states and I’m not a frat boy fan.) The good news is that there are parts of Texas that aren’t a big frat party. Austin (a dirty hippie city if there ever was one) has a petition to change a street named Robert E Lee to: “Keep Austin Weird, Not Racist.” This is the best idea of renaming since San Francisco was batting around the idea of naming their water treatment plant The George Bush Waste Treatment Plant. The only problem I see with the street name is that it is going to be hard to fit all that on a postcard. Maybe, since everything is bigger in Texas, the postcards have space for Keep Austin Weird, Not Racist on the address line. 

Kim “Don’t Call Me Kimberly” Jung Un shot off another rocket. This time he flew it over Japan. Did he do this because Trump-roast is distracted with Texas? Probably. Un needs to realize that Trumpster-fire can multitask. Every morning Donnie Johnnie Trumpie gets up, sits on a toilet, watches Faux and Friendz, and tweets. So, the Presidential National Embarrassment might be heading off to Texas, but that doesn’t mean he can’t push a red button or two. Its times like this that it is reassuring that Obama is still controlling the world through his global Illuminati Star Council thingy. (I wish.)

Trumplestillskin business associate, Michael Cohen, worked on directly contacting Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin during the election. Apparently, the building of a Trump Tower in Moscow had stalled, and Cohen was tasked with getting things back on track. Anyone for a lunch of Quid Pro Quo? Why does everything we find out about Trumplestillskin always lead back to the idea that he was running for president so he could increase his brand recognition…and then he accidentally got elected. If that is the case, can we all just promise to subscribe to Trump Steaks and have an adult take over the country? I’d even give up my addiction to souvlaki if he stepped down.

Day 223

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin and First Lady Melania “These High Heels Were Made For Flood Walking” Trump were in Texas yesterday. I don’t know what Faux Newz had to say about the visit, but the news sources I follow all said that Trump-roast showed a lack of empathy for the people who were suffering. This should come as no surprise. I don’t believe Trumplestillskin has evolved to the point where he realizes that other people have feelings. I did see a few pictures of him, but I saw lots of pictures of Melania. She was wearing some really, really high heels. Is it a big deal? Nope, but it is odd. I would think that she would have thought, “I’m going to be doing lots of walking today. Maybe some waterproof flats.” Her shoe choice doesn’t show a lack of empathy, it shows a lack of fashion sense. 

Trumpster-fire is off to Missouri to talk about tax cuts. So…let me get this straight…Trump goes from a place where tax dollars are needed to rescue people, to a place where he is going to say, “Taxes…bad.” 

You know what would be a good use of tax money? A big trial with lots of people going to jail. Paul “I Always Order Russian Dressing on My Salad” Manafort’s former attorney and spokesperson have both been subpoenaed by Mueller’s team. There are reports that Don-Fredo is also going to be testifying soon. Now…here’s the problem according to my sources. Trump-roast has already set a precedent by pardoning Sheriff Joe “I was Racist Before it was Cool” Arpaio. Arpaio hadn’t shown remorse, been sentenced, or served any time. Those are all supposed to go into the deliberations before a pardon is granted. Instead, Trump acted like he was a king and did like Amon Goth in Schindler’s List, “I pardon you.” If the Orangutan in Chief now decides to start pardoning everyone who had Russian contacts will anyone in the republican party stand up and say, “You know, this isn’t really how things work”? 

North Korea says that when it fired a rocket over Japan the other day that it was the first step in their plan. Is their plan to destroy the world as we know it? If it is, then this would be the way to do it. If their plan is to expand their power, then I’d say, “Guys, let’s go back to the old drawing board.” 

On the good news front, Sean “Spicy” Spicer got his meeting with the Pope. I hope he asked for forgiveness for all the lies he told while standing behind the podium. PERIOD! (Yes, a period with an exclamation point is funny.)

Rumor has it that there is tasty souvlaki in Rome. I hope Sean picked one up.

Day 224

It’s getting ugly out their kids. Gov. Chris “I Like Big Beaches All To Myself and I Cannot Lie” Christie and Senator Ted “No, My Nose is Not Made of Melting Wax” Cruz are fighting. Christie has called Cruz a hypocrite for asking for aid for Texas when he voted against aid to NJ after Hurricane Sandy. Let me cut to the chase…I’ll pay $100 for a pay-per-view MMA fight between these two clowns. Christie is winning the troll war right now, but I’m sure Ted is waiting until Christie is down to kick him because that’s what Jesus would do…in Ted’s version of Christianity. 

Texas is in bad shape. Storms do happen, but…Texas hasn’t done anything to prepare for climate change. They have banned the term from any legislation. Did climate change make the storm happen? No. Did it make it worse that the waters were warmer? Yes. Did it make it worse that the sea levels have been rising? Yes. Should we build infrastructure to help battle these storms? Yes. Did Trump revoke Obama-era storm prevention building guidelines about ten days ago? Yes. Is President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin going to make the problem worse? Yes. I’m so tired of all this winning. #MAGA

Trumplestillskin announced that words don’t work with North Korea. When General Mattis was asked about Trump’s statement, Mattis said, “Um…I’m going to disagree.” That is a week after T-Rex Tillerson said that he spoke for the American people and Trump speaks for himself. It’s nice to know that we have a president who is leading like an honorary captain of a football team. 

“Okay, Donnie. What do you want to tell the team?”

“We should run the ball more.” 

“Great idea, Donnie. Okay, in the second half we are going to abandon the running game.” 

Pretty soon Trump-roast is going to be in the Oval Office all by himself…oh, Steven “Skynet Robot” Miller will still need to access his charging port, so he’ll be around. 

Mueller has hired the NY Attorney General to assist in the investigation. THIS IS HUGE. Trumpster-Fire cannot pardon someone for crimes charged by a state. Trumplestillskin is playing checkers and Mueller is playing chess. Paul “Mobster Hair” Manafort appears to be the target of Mueller’s pressure. The moves are beginning to all show Mueller’s long game. Trump has sworn multiple times that he has no business, no money, no connections to Russia…then we hear about the plans for Trump Tower Moscow. It is the most recent example of our Liar in Chief’s tall tales about Russia. The only question is whether Manafort will roll over on Trump. I’m betting he does. He’s the kind of cockroach that survives the atomic blast. 

Ann “I’m not Wearing a Horse head, this is My Real Face” Coulter trotted out of her stall to tweet at the presidential Orangutan. She is upset that he is talking about tax cuts when Trump should be oppressing Muslims and building a wall. She said the tax cuts were for Wall Street and not real Americans…she took a swipe at the “50% that don’t pay taxes” anyway. Classy gal who can take shots at the rich, the poor, and the middle class all at once. Somebody needs to put that bag of oats back on her head and give her a good brushing. I’ll take a pass on the oats and stick to souvlaki.

Day 225

Let’s start with the good news…it’ll be short. Jimmy Boy Scout Comey had a letter drafted exonerating Hillary for the email stuff before he was let go, given the sack, fired, told to hit the bricks, given the pink slip of life, shown the high road. 

Steve Mnuchin was asked how the whole putting Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill is going and he was like…”Um… I just got back from looking at the gold at Fort Knox. I haven’t had time to draw out the portrait. You know I’m super busy making sure my wife doesn’t end up in jail for using my office to promote designer clothing.” #IWearOldLadyGlasses#AllMyPicturesLookLikeImSwallowingMyTongue #MAGA

You know what the administration of President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin does have time to get done? Revoking DACA. Yeah, so no time to get an African American hero on the twenty, but plenty of time to take away rights of kids who have grown up in the USA. Gee, why does this smell? Maybe it is because all of Trumplestillskin’s goals are the same goals of a 70-year-old white guy living in a trailer park in Alabama…a 70-year-old guy named Colonel, or Major, or Robert E Lee, or Bubba. The kind of guy who flies a confederate flag over his single wide and has a bumper sticker on his 1971 Dodge pickup that says, “Don’t Tread on Me… like you did in 1865.” 

The Russian consulate in San Francisco is getting shuttered. This is good revenge. We should shut all Russian embassies in all interesting cities and open them in places like Corcoran, CA and Wichita, KS. 

A Houston petrochemical plant is still having uncontrolled explosions. That’s okay, the guys in charge say that we don’t need to worry. This is how every zombie movie starts. The plant is described as one of the most dangerous in Texas. That’s like saying that you’re one of the dumbest people in Mississippi. I’m sure there is nothing to worry about it isn’t like North Korea has an atomic bomb and our country is being run by a junior high ASB president. 

I’m going to eat a souvlaki for lunch. It might be my last chance.

Day 226

Little behind schedule today. Just like my hero Donnie Johnnie Trumpie I’m doing my part to keep the wheels of progress greased. He’s doing it by employing every lawyer in DC, dishing out food in Houston, getting ready to start a war with North Korea, and keeping the Oval Office jobs on a two-week rotation. I’m doing it by grading papers all weekend. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster Fire and Furry von Trumplestillskin and White House Chief of Staff Machine Gun Kelly had a little disagreement. Apparently, Trump yelled at Kelly who later said he had never been treated like that and it wouldn’t happen again. If you know Trump roast like I know Trump roast, you know Trump will do it again. He is unable to learn. Will Kelly fight Trump? I’d pay to see that. 

I’d also pay for a tasty souvlaki.

Day 227

Well, North Korea blew up a weapon that caused an earthquake…that’s not good. I heard someone describe Kim Jong Un as a spoiled, power hungry leader and I thought to myself, “Is he talking about President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin, or Un?” Either way it fits. Live each day like it’s your last people on the West Coast, because the way things are going it soon might be. 

The Russian Embassy in San Francisco had a plume of black smoke coming out of the chimney on one of the hottest days in SF history. The Russians were either electing a new pope or burning documents before they get evicted. 

Trumplestillskin has named an ex-coal mining executive to head up the mine safety oversight. The executive has a history of fighting against mine safety. Pretty soon Trump-roast will be naming Super Dave Osborne to head up highway safety. (I’d rant about Betsy Devos’ recent moves, but too much outrage is unsightly.) 

It is official, Trump Tower was not wire-tapped like the Orangutan in Chief has claimed. I’m certain he will apologize to Obama now that the facts are out there. Or he might claim he never said that. 

You know what was hacked? The elections. 21 states had voter errors that didn’t allow people to vote. The New York Times has a long article detailing what happened. Hmmm…I wonder why this isn’t something Trump is talking about? 

Want to miss Obama a little bit more? Read the letter he left Trump. It had four things to remember about being president.

1. Build ladders for people to climb to success.

2. American leadership is important in the world. 

3. Guard the institutions of the USA. The president is temporary, the institutions maintain the nation. 

4. Spend time with your family. 

Trump must have started reading it, got bored and read the end because he missed most of what was being said. The ladders thing was a metaphor, I think Trumplestillskin thought that people should build actual ladders to get over his wall…maybe? 

The last part about spending time with his family is how Trump has spent most of his time. He hasn’t gotten distracted from is golf trips with family and weekends at his clubs. 

The only thing Obama should have included in his letter is, “You might want to go with a different skin tone. Orange prison jumpsuits might clash with orange skin.” 

Enjoy your Labor Day Weekend. Brought to you by the Labor Unions of the USA. I’m going to be joining the Souvlaki Makers of the USA Union soon.

Day 228

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin has announced he will end DACA in six months. That should give me six months to pack my bags for Germany or Holland. I think that’s where my ancestors are from. Of course, I can’t speak German or Dutch, but I can find a pair of pants that fit me there. Me heading back to the homeland isn’t too much different than sending kids back to countries they have no connection to, but I’ll let you know how it goes as I settle in to eating strupwaffles and kraut. 

General “Those Are My Eye Bags Not Grey Skin Hammocks” Mattis says that our response to North Korea will be massive and overwhelming. If there is one thing that scares NK it is tough talk. Yep, pretty much shut them down so far. Cutting off trade to China is our next move, so get out and get your cheap Trump hats, and ties, and Ivanka purses, and Ivanka shoes, and Ivanka dresses…well, anything from Ivanka is made in China. How will Trump send his million dollars to Hurricane Henry survivors if he cuts off trade to China? What a hero, he’s going to cut off his nose to spite North Korea…and then pretend to send a million dollars to Houston. 

Adam Schiff (D CA) has said that Trump’s claims that he doesn’t have Russian business connections is “dishonest.” I believe Schiff is saying that Trump is lying. Euphemisms are handy when you are trying to delicately handle people’s feelings, but I’m pretty sure that Trump has two emotions: Self-Centered Anger and Self-Centered Ennui. 

Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin has said that the first country to develop artificial intelligence will lead the world. So, there you go, let Skynet begin. I’ll enjoy the part of AI that lets me stay home and watch Three’s Company 24/7 while being fed through a tube. I’ll ask Siri what will happen when AI takes over the world. According to her/him/it, Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and Elon Musk have all warned us against this. According to Wikipedia, there are many types of AI and there have been warnings going back to 1920. I think we’ll be okay as long as we leave a big outlet we can unplug if things get out of control. 

Will machines, bombs, or apes be the end of us? Hard to tell. One thing is for certain, the more souvlaki you eat, the better you will feel about the end.

Day 229

Well, it was a quiet weekend for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin. He is probably hiding in an underground bunker waiting for the world to end. I’m of the opinion that if the world is going to end, I’m better off being vaporized right off the top. Who wants to be left with all those doomsday preppers…and Trumplestillskin?

Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin said that Trump was not his bride. I don’t really know the context of the statement, but you must admit, it’s pretty funny in a trolling kind of way. 

“What do you think of Trump?”

“He’s not my bride. I don’t have to explain his actions.” 

“That’s kind of weird. Would you explain it further?”

“Nope. I didn’t marry that clown. The people of the USA did. If they don’t like him they can try to return him to Walmart. I hope they have a receipt. If not they’ll only get store credit…probably $9.99.”

UN Ambassador, Nikki Haley’s “Comet Will Never Be Seen Again At This Rate” said that North Korea was begging for war. Who wrote that statement? Begging for it? She also said that “enough is enough.” Did the Trump-roast administration hire a writer from an after school special on bullying? (If you are too young to remember after school specials, well, too bad for you.) When will we get to the episode where we find out that North Korea was just acting out because they had an abusive father? 

Speaking of abusive fathers…where is THE KUSH? Last I heard, about two weeks ago, he was in the Middle East getting that peace done. Did he get kidnapped? Is he hiding in an Opium den in Morocco? Is he playing chess with Julian Assange? 

There is a race in WA DC. The race to convict Trumplestillskin first. The convergence of the investigations is happening. Everyone wants to be first to get his associates on the record. Nothing like waiting for the world to end while enjoying some good old fashioned televised trial action. I’m predicting that when Trumplestillskin gets put on the record we will hear a lot of the following statements: 

1. I cannot recall. 

2. I don’t remember that. 

3. I didn’t know about that. 

4. I don’t know who was building a Trump Tower in Russia.

5. I don’t know how Vlad’s phone number and those text messages got on my phone. 

6. No one loves ___________ like I love ______________. 

7. I was getting a spray tan that day. 

8. I never said that…you have a recording of me saying that? Oh, in that case, I was suffering from heat stroke that day. 

9. I can’t read. No, I never learned to read. 

10. Can I get a souvlaki?

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