Day: January 2, 2021

Day 210

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin has been asked by the Phoenix mayor to delay Trumplestillskin’s rally for another time…like the year 2050. Phoenix might be able to rise from the ashes but recovering from a Trump rally might be asking too much. 

The Orangutan with a Twitter account is back at it this morning. He is blowing the “where will we stop if we keep removing confederate statutes” racist dog whistle. Here’s an easy guide for you, Mr Trumpster-fire. Public statues should be removed if: 

1. The person represented was a racist. 

2. The person represented was fighting for the side that lost…aka known as the confederate snowflake states of sister wives and uncle fathers. 

3. If the statue was erected during the Jim Crow South or as a reaction to the Civil Rights movement. 

4. If the person in the statue has two first names: Billy-Bob, Jimmy-Roy…

5. The guy is riding a horse. 

Trumplestillskin is asking where it all will stop. Will we want to remove Washington’s statues next? This is an interesting question. Here’s how Germany handled it: They removed all the Nazi stuff and put it in a museum that was called “We Screwed Up, Let’s Not Do It Again.” Here’s how the Czech Republic handled the Stalin statue: They blew it up and replaced it with a statue of Michael Jackson. (Google it. I know you are curious.) Here’s how Hungary handled all the communist statues: They took them down and put them in a park outside of Budapest. You can go and crawl all over the statues of Lenin and Stalin. Iraq tore down the statues of Saddam Hussain…if Iraq can get it right, you’d think we could too. 

Here is the one thing, Mr. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin, future presidents won’t have to worry about: “What to do with a statue of Donnie Trump” because there will be no statues of our 45th president and biggest mistake. 

If I were to ever erect a statue it would be of a giant souvlaki.

Day 211

Is President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin’s administrative ship sinking? It sure feels like it because while Donnie John Trump is rearranging the deck chairs on the Make The Titanic Great Again ship. Everyone else is heading for the lifeboats. Tim Scott (R) and Bob Corker (R) both spoke directly at Trumplestillskin for his reaction to Charlottesville. Two companies have pulled their fund-raising dinners at Mar-a-Lago. Donny John Trump (close to DDT, but DJT) had to shut down his two advisory boards because it was going to be an advisory board of one if he kept going. 

It has also been a bad week for neo-nazis. Ok-Cupid kicked all Nazis off the dating site. Good thing they still have Farmers Only. The ACLU has said they will no longer support armed hate groups who want to protest. They will still support Nazis who want to show up unarmed. Which is how it should be. You want to be a nazi, let your brilliant ideas shine forth. As my friend 

V… G

said once, “The evidence that white supremacy doesn’t exist can be seen in every person who believes in white supremacy.” In other words, nazis are stupid. A statue of General Lee was tarred and feathered, but my favorite defacing of a racist statue was a simple one. A lady draped a “Second Place” banner around a confederate statue. She included a sign that said, “Participation.” The best weapon against these confederacy nuts is to mock them. 

In Russian news, take a peek at BillMoyers.com to see Trumplestillskin’s long relationship with Russian mobsters and bankers. 

Remember, Mueller is still out there with Maxwell’s silver hammer. 

The presidential Orangutan told a fairy tale yesterday. He has told this fairy tale before. It was that General Pershing dipped bullets in pig’s blood and then shot 49 Muslims…it stopped Muslim uprisings for 30 years. Yep, that’s quite a story. It’s not true, but that isn’t going to stop our Presidential National Tragedy from telling the tale again and again. It reminded me of the story Trumpster-fire talked about Bernhard Langer seeing people vote illegally in Florida. Longer said, “I never said that.” Trump said, “Make America Great Again! YEEHAAH!” Or, there was the time when Trump-Roast said, “Mexico will pay for it. Hillary will go to jail. Drain the swamp. This is my real hair. I’d date my daughter if I could. Mexicans are rapists and drug dealers…I suppose some of them are good people. There were good people at the nazi rally.” Yep, this is our president. We can’t erase that history, but the Trump presidential library should be a building that looks like the Kremlin and have the articles of impeachment nailed to the door. 

If I’m going to spill any pig’s blood you know it’s so I can fill a souvlaki with pork.

Day 212

Mr. Steven “Cirrhosis Face” Bannon has been traded for three white nationalists to be named later and a two-hundred-pound bag of mixed animal lard that’s been sitting in a backyard in Athens, Georgia for three months. Let’s look back on the good times we had with Mr. “Gastrointestinal Bleeding” Bannon. Let me see…what were the good old times with Stevie? Oh, the time he got fired. That was the best part. 

Now we need to get rid of Stephen Miller and Seb Gorka. Bannon took his old job back at Breitbart News and will be spewing hate until he enters the Betty Ford Clinic…or he takes a ride on a donkey to Damascus. 

Carl Icahn has resigned from his advisory position in the White House. I don’t know anything about this guy other than Trump always said he was the best and smartest guy. Quitting proves he still has at least three firing brain cells. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad with Anchovies Trumpster-fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin has announced that he and the first lady will not be attending the Kennedy Center Awards. He doesn’t want it to be a place where people feel the need to distance themselves from his Vesuvius like administration. Instead of attending the Kennedy Center Awards he will be going to the Duck Dynasty Awards. The DDA will be recognizing people who have done their part to continue the southern way of life. David Duke, General Robert E. Lee, the guys from Deliverance, Lynyrd Skynyrd, George Wallace, and Frederick Douglass (if he can make it) will be given Confederate flag shirts and second place trophies. 

The entire Trumplestillskin Art’s council quit too. So, you can forget about getting classy art stuff like Trump has. No gilded rooms filled with uncomfortable chairs and mirrors for the everyman…too bad…I was hoping to be turning my house into coal burning, golden palace. I would invite everyone over and serve souvlaki on golden plates.

Day 213

Anyone else tired of all this winning? “We are going to win so much; you’ll get tired of winning.”- Agent Orange Julius Caesar Tossed Salad Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin. 

Our elected National Embarrassment spent yesterday in his bathrobe watching all 17 episodes of Joanie Loves Chachi, and then he watched Faux and Friendz until he fell asleep in his LazyBoy covered in Cheeto dust and exasperation. (Yes, I intentionally left it open for you to interpret whether his chair was covered, or he was covered…could be both.)

The number of people running away from the Atomic Explosion known as the Trump Administration is too vast to enumerate here, but the Teflon-Trump-roast now stinks enough that no one wants to be near him.

There are a few die herds who are either trying to keep our country running or are too thick to see the Trump Train is about to fly off the track like the opening scene in Toy Story 3. Either way, White House Chief of Staff “Machine Gun” Kelly has had the worst week of his professional life and he was in charge of giving military assistance to the LA police during the 1992 riots. 

Well, I’m going to hang up Bannon’s jersey in the White House rafters next to all the other heroes in the Trumplestillskin Administration, mow the yard, and eat a souvlaki.

Day 214

As we all prepare of the solar eclipse, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Tossed Salad Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin….

WHERE DID THE REST OF MY POST GO? THE ECLIPSE MUST HAVE STOLEN IT! (I really didn’t realize that 80% of my post disappeared. I had a power outage at home.) 

Here’s what it said: 

Trumplestillskin’s secret service is out of money because they have to guard all 5,000 Trump family members as they traipse around the world. 

No one from the White House would go on Sunday talk shows to defend what Trump said because they aren’t members of the aryan nation…well, Gorka and Miller might be. 

Trump-roast is in Arizona to give a speech on Afghanistan (someone showed it to him on a map.) “Is it this one?” 

“No, that’s the continent of Africa.” 

“Is it this one?”

“Getting warmer, that’s India. It’s this one here.” 

“Oh, I thought that was Arkansas.” 

The Orangutan in Chief will probably also give ex-sheriff Joe “Racism 101” Arpaio a pardon for targeting people of color. 

Then I ended the post by saying that Trumpster-fire was planning a golden statue of himself. I said it should be no larger than a small souvlaki.

Day 215

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster-fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin watched the eclipse from the balcony of the dump on Pennsylvania Avenue. He did have protective glasses, but in an act that can only be described as his presidency in a nutshell, he took a moment to look directly into the sun without any protection. “They told me not to, but I’m Donnie Johnny Trumpy. I DO WHAT I WANT!” 

Later in the day he delivered his new Afghanistan plan. “We are going to win.” That’s the new plan. Was the old plan to lose? I have two possible strategies that will bring Afghanistan to their knees: 

1. SuperWallMart in every city. (It’ll take ten years to destroy their way of life, but no one will be killed.”)

2. We drop President Trump-roast on the country. I mean, in six months look what he’s done to our government. 

Paul “Ayn Rand is my BFF” Ryan had a town hall meeting last night where he said that Trumplestillskin “messed up” when he said there were good Nazis at the Charlottesville protests. Ryan won’t censure Trumplestillskin because, you know, we all make mistakes. Like the time we all said, “Nazis are just misunderstood.” 

Part-time conspiracy theorist and full-time nut job, Brian Zollinger (R Idaho) said that it is possible that Obama was behind the Charlottesville violence. I’m amazed Zollinger is still alive. I don’t mean that Obama is out to kill him with his secret army, but I can’t believe someone with Zollinger’s intelligence is able to know which end of the spoon to put in his mouth when eating his morning cereal. He probably has someone feed him, because there is no other rational explanation for how a man-baby reaches full maturity with a brain that small. 

Zollinger might want to begin eating souvlaki. It doesn’t matter which end you start with, because both sides are delicious.

Day 216

You know how scientists and doctors warned that looking at the sun during the eclipse could be dangerous? Well, the evidence was on display yesterday in Arizona. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin held a campaign rally in Phoenix because the election in 2020 is right around the corner. The speech was a 75-minute word salad tossed with xenophobia, pickled beets, Alzheimer’s, ID/EGO masturbation, and the greatest campaign hits from 2015. 

The rally kicked off with Rev. Franklin Graham praying for the “Lord [to] shut the mouths of those in this country who want to divide, who want to preach hate.” (God must have turned away when Trump found his way to the podium.) This was followed up by Ben “Medical Coma” Carson saying that “our lives are too short to let our differences divide us.” Then VP Pence got up and wondered how he ended up in this nightmare and spent five minutes screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” into the microphone. In retrospect, Trump-roast’s opening acts were a lot like having Amy Grant, Jack Johnson, and Lawrence Welk open for The Dead Kennedys. I don’t know if Gramham, Carson, and Pence realized what was about to happen but I’m certain everyone in the crowd forgot that this was a rally to bring unity to the country…because when Donnie Johnnie strolled out onto the stage things got a little sideways. 

Trumplestillskin read off his teleprompter for a little bit and then got bored and pulled out a piece of paper with some notes. I’d give $10 to have a picture of Chief of Staff Kelly’s face at the moment he realized that Trump had gone off teleprompter. “Damn it! Didn’t someone search him before we sent him out? I took away his phone. Who gave him access to paper and pen?” Remember when your parents would say, “Nothing good happens after midnight”? Nothing good happens when Trump starts reading off a piece of paper. The paper he pulled out of his pocket could have been written by a mentally ill homeless person, a Russian spy, or Donald John Trump…there is no way to really tell the difference. 

At one point, the Trumpster-Fire announced that CNN had turned off the feed to the speech…most people saw that on CNN…which showed the entire deranged rant because CNN knows people can’t help but watch a train wreck. He attacked congress, John McCain, Hawaii, Hillary… anyone who had ever told Trump he doesn’t get everything he wants. Trump lashed out like he was John Snow at the Battle of the Bastards. The bodies piled up around Trump as he just kept going, and going, and going. He said he would shut down the government if the wall wasn’t built, because that makes sense. He said he wasn’t going to pardon Sheriff Arpaio right then, but Arpaio could sleep well because things would work out just fine. You know who he didn’t attack? Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin. 

Mitch “TurtleNeck is Preexisting” McConnell reportedly said that Trumplestillskin will not be able to salvage his presidency. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing? 

By the end of the speech, people were leaving. They had already waited two hours in 107-degree heat because they live in Arizona, a state where dreams go to die. The adoring crowds couldn’t bring water bottles into the rally because the Secret Service was worried that if people toss water on The Mango Madman he’ll melt. Four hours of anything can be too much, even for people who gorge themselves on Cheeto flavored Fascism. So, the crowd left to the screeching sounds of presidential failure. 

And then there were people who loved the speech…these are the same people that make Bud Light the best-selling beer in the United States. I’ll drink a Bud Light…if it is paired with a souvlaki.

Day 217

Science Envoy, Daniel Kammen sent his letter of resignation to President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin yesterday. The letter had a secret code: Take the first letter of each paragraph and it will spell a word, IMPEACH. It would have been cooler if it spelled out WU TANG FOR LIFE, but for a scientist it’s a pretty solid effort. 

The military transgender twitter ban is apparently becoming a real thing. Trumplestillskin seems to be under the impression that overspending in the military can be curbed by preventing gender reassignment surgery. I’d bet Trump-roast spends more money on his fake tan and hairdo each year than the military spends on gender surgeries. If you want to cut military spending, you could create a time machine and go back and kill Dick Cheney. (Not advocating violence…maybe just an electronic jolt to the old pacemaker. Is that violent? I’m suggesting killing his pacemaker, his heart stopping would just be collateral damage.) 

The Charlottesville white supremacist who ranted on Vice News, Christopher “Part-Time Skinhead-Full-Time Douchebag” Cantwell, has turned himself in. Last I saw him he was crying about how the police might shoot him because he was armed. I wonder how scared he’d be if he realized that you don’t have to be armed to get shot in the US…you just need to be a person of color. (I support police, but I’m kinda anti shooting innocent people.)

WA Post has an article titled Three Speeches Three Trumps. This article details the three different speeches DJT (not DDT, but close) gave in the last week. I don’t think there are three Trumps, there is one Trump: A bag of angry orange pus. Sure, he can read and sound like Steven “Skynet Mistake” Miller but get him away from his precious teleprompter and he turns into who he is, a tottering old racist bag of gas. White House Chief of Staff, Machine Gun Kelly is doing his best to limit Trumplestillskin’s media diet, but it’s like trying to prevent grandpa from walking around the house in his underwear. You can get out in front of it most of the time, but you can’t be everywhere. 

The Wall is back. Not the Pink Floyd wall, but the one Trumpster-fire is going to build across the Mexican border. Remember when Mexico was going to pay for it? Well, not any longer. Now, Professor Art of the Deal is saying he is going to shut down the government if they don’t spend taxpayer money on building him an invisible, solar wall that is 30 feet tall. 

One would think that we could find a better way to spend my tax money, for example, it might be time to build a strategic souvlaki reserve.

Day 218

THE KUSH has been MIA for a long time. Where has he been? No idea, but I know where he is today…creating peace in the Middle East. Yep, he met with the Palestinian Authority leadership and said that things were looking good. THE KUSH has lots of experience being a slumlord so if the Palestinians don’t start behaving, he’ll staple a big “Evicted” sign to Palestine and call it good. 

The Palestinian Authority had one question, “Was that really THE KUSH? We think it was Michael Cera in a brown wig.” 

A judge has declared that an anti-Trump website has to turn over data to the DOJ. That’s not a good thing. I’ll probably be next. I’ll see you all at the reeducation camp. I’ll be the tall guy sweeping the floor. When the time is right, I’ll pick up the shower room centerpiece, toss it through a window, and make a run for it. It’s a solid strategy, nobody in the Trump Administration reads novels. 

The big news of the day on Faux Newz is that Nancy Pelosi’s father helped dedicate a Confederate statue of Robert E. Lee and Stonewall Jackson in 1948. (By the way, the same year Orwell wrote 1984…coincidence? Probably.) It is entirely possible that Pelosi’s father was a raging racist who said that our heritage was being attacked. His speech is popping up as a republican talking point. You can find the speech on the internet, where logic goes to die. (Don’t believe me? I’ve been doing THIS for 218 days…how logical is that?) 

Yep, her dad helped dedicate a statue to two losers. I’m not sure why the South doesn’t have lots more statues of second place. There could be a Shaq and Penny Hardaway statue in Orlando. What about a statue of Cam Newton in Charlotte? We must build these statues so people don’t forget that the South is all about losing. Losing wars, losing teeth, losing games, losing their cousins to their other cousins. 

Pelosi actually had a Robert E Lee statue removed and put in the basement of the capitol a while back, but that isn’t stopping the “your dad did a bad thing, so our bad things are okay to continue to do” argument. 

If I read one more “Why are Yankees afraid of history blog” I’m going to punch a waterfall. Yankees aren’t afraid of history. History is fine. If we are going to build statues to remember history then let’s start with one of William Tecumseh Sherman, a statue so big it reminds the KKK members what happens when they mess with people who don’t wear bib overalls all day. Then I want to really remember the history of the South by erecting monuments where lynchings took place. Big monuments with names of everyone involved. Maybe even a picture of the smiling white faces that attended. That’s the history we should be restoring and talking about. (If you are interested: https://lynchinginamerica.eji.org/explore) The losers of wars don’t get to create the history. Take your stupid second place trophy and your stupid flag and go and sit in a corner. 

The rest of us will have a celebration souvlaki.

Day 219

Sheriff Joe “I Was Racist Before It Was Cool” Arpaio has gotten his pardon from President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin yesterday. Arpaio was convicted of contempt of court which sounds like he didn’t pay a parking ticket. Let’s be clear who this guy is. He didn’t pursue cases where the victims were Hispanic. Women were raped, children were molested, and people were illegally detained. Arpaio decided that “those” people don’t deserve justice because they have a different skin tone. That’s the guy Trumplestillskin pardoned. Some pundits are saying that this pardon is a signal to his folks under investigation for Russian collusion. “Hey, I’ll pardon anybody so don’t tell those guys about me. I got your back.” 

Trump-roast also banned transgender people from joining the military because he doesn’t want to pay for people to get gender reassignment surgery. I love the moral outrage when people talk about their tax dollars paying for things like this. How about focusing your moral outrage on the 2,000 scripture passages about helping the poor? We always have tax dollars for bullets, bombs, wars, Viagra, trips to golf courses, flights to look at the gold in Fort Knox, and spray tans. 

Sebastian “My Name Sounds Like I’m A Russian Spy Because I Am” Gorka has either stepped down or been fired. He claims he quit because the globalists are taking over the rolling Trumpster-Administration-Fire. Other folks are saying that he was fired. The important thing is that he is gone. That leaves Steven “Even Skynet Quality Control Can Make Mistakes” Miller as the last white nationalist in the Oval Office. Well, that is if you don’t include the leader of the Faux Newz world: Donnie Johnnie Trumpie. The next time we see Bannon, Gorka, Miller, and Trump in the same place will be the trial. I hear prison food isn’t too bad. Mashed potatoes Mondays, Taco Tuesday, Wheat Bread Wednesday, Thai Thursday, French Fry Friday, Saturday Soup, and Souvlaki Sunday.

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