Day: January 2, 2021

Day 200

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin found his cell phone this morning. Chief of Staff Machine Gun Kelly had hidden it in the vegetable drawer in the fridge knowing Trump would never look in there. Trump found it when he heard his familiar ring tone “You’re so Vain” playing in the fridge. His tiny cheeto fingers have been busy this morning. His target is Senator Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal appeared on a show Trumplestilskin doesn’t watch (according to the Orangutan in Chief). Blumenthal appeared on New Day on CNN. Soon after his appearance, which Trump would never see because it is fake news and failing news, he was attacked by Melania Trump’s enemy number one, the most abusive Cyber Bully in America: Donnie Sticky Fingers Trump. 

Now if I had six deferments for bone spurs in my heels, I would not attack someone who was serving in the Marines during Vietnam…but I’m not a pus-filled bag of angry ants. President El Quatro Loco went after Blumenthal’s Vietnam record and called him a crybaby. (Blumenthal never served in Vietnam but had a few statements that could be interpreted as having fought on the ground. He apologized for those statements which I am guessing is where Trumplestilskin is getting his crybaby stuff from.) 

My takeaways from this incident:

1. Trump thinks apologizing is being a crybaby. (Trump has apologized one time…after the Billy Bush Bus Bash Brain Bleed.)

2. Trump thinks he did nothing wrong by using his father’s influence to avoid combat. 

3. Trump’s name might be used in the future for a shorthand explanation of dramatic irony. (Biff Lowman was pulling a Trump when he said Willy was the best dad ever.)

4. Trump has no shame, no moral compass, no filter, no sense, no empathy, and no judgement. 

Why did he start tweeting this morning? It was raining in New Jersey and he couldn’t get out on the golf course. (Not fake news.) 

Kayleigh McEnany is the new face of Trump Newz. You’ll remember her as the blonde Trump surrogate who would appear on CNN in shirts two sizes too small. The one who looks like a dead-eyed Barbie. The one who would lie without blinking. The one who could turn any question into a statement about email security. (I realize there are about ten Trump surrogates who fit this description, but she is the youngest of the bunch.) She is hosting the weekly propaganda show produced in Trump Tower that promises to bring the real news. Isn’t it cute when fascist autocracies are so young and innocent? I mean, they are so warm a fuzzy, making America great and all. Once they start walking and getting their hands on everything…well that can be a tough transition. Of course, no one likes those difficult teen years of fascist dictatorships…the mood swings, the irrational actions, but when they are just getting started they are so darling, you just want to give them a big hug. 

You know what feels like a big hug for your stomach? A souvlaki.

Day 201

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin has tweeted out a classified report about North Korea loading cruise missiles onto boats. The reports come from an anonymous source and according to Nikki Haley contain classified information. Will everyone’s favorite racist garden gnome Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions prosecute the Trumpster fire for leaking? I doubt it because this leak is the kind the Orangutan in chief likes and Jeffro needs to keep his job. No one is hiring tiny elves…cookies can be made by machines now. Yep, you heard it here first.

Speaking of leaks, the climate report has been delivered to the failing New York Times. Why? Because the scientists think Trump-roast will change the results so climate change no longer exists. This is going to be the new republican motto: We ignore the obvious, and inflate the moronic. It’s a winning formula. 

Chicago is suing the DOJ for trying to make them uphold illegal laws. Does that make sense? The feds want Chicago to violate people’s rights. This is a good first step toward having me arrested and put in a reeducation camp. I’ll be the tall guy in the corner saying, “Give souvlaki a chance!”

Day 202

Welcome to the potential last day of the Trumplestilskin Administration, the last day of the good ol’ USA, the day when we get the backstory for Cormac Mccarthy’s The Road. 

If you missed President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin’s proclamation that North Korea was about to be met with “fire and fury” like they never imagined, you must have been spending your day streaming the last six seasons of Game of Thrones. (By the way, Fire and Fury is what Trump has nicknamed his fists…his tiny unused fists. Fire and Fury is also what Trump experiences on his Tweeting throne the day after eating a Trump Tower taco bowl.*) The rumor that Trump thought the next Fast and Furious movie was going to be called Fire and Fury is fake news. 

How did we get here? Well, a bunch of stupid people thought Hillary couldn’t be trusted with the nuclear codes because of her emails, so they voted for a four-year-old orangutan with the impulse control of a drunk Mickey Rourke…to Make America A Pile of Flaming Buildings Again. The good news for Trumplestilskin voters is that none of them live in an area worth a North Korean atomic bomb. So, if Un decides, “Well, I’m gonna die anyway, let’s go out like Thelma and Louise,” and shoots off all his weapons, most of middle America will still have their coal jobs and MAGA hats. It will be a lot easier to find coal too, because all the major cities will be covered in it. 

T-Rex Tillerson has ventured out of this underground bunker to let us know that America can sleep well because he’s got this thing covered. He didn’t reassure anyone living in Seoul, so if I had a house in the greater Seoul area I’d charge those credit cards to the max. (There are 9.85 million people living in Seoul and 17.5 in the greater Seoul area.) 

In “As if it Matters” news, the USDA has forbidden the term “climate change” to be used. The report coming out soon and released by the NYTimes has a pretty bleak vision of the future. Less rain in areas that need it, more rain in areas that will flood, raising ocean levels, and fire and fury in the rest of the nation. 

The mosque attack in Minnesota hasn’t been mentioned by the cheeto fingered hairdo in the Oval Office, because, as spokesman Sebastian “A Goatee Makes It Look Like I Have A Chin” Gorka said, “We can’t be sure who did it. It could have been someone from the left.” Yep, the violent leftists. Those guys always filling their Teslas (I had Prius…but what is the plural of Prius?) with bombs and driving them into mosques. Watch out, they might load a bunch of kale into McDonalds’ salads, or not shower for a week, or grow a protest beard. 

You know how to tell a leftist from a MAGA supporter? One will have a delicious souvlaki in his/her hand and the other one will be breathing through their mouth. 

*Diarrhea joke courtesy of D— M—.

Day 203

We survived! North Korea (aka the only country with a leader more likely to accidentally start WWIII than the USA) kept all their ICBMs in North Korea and Trumplestilskin’s aides were able to show our fearless Orangutan where Guam was located on a map cleverly disguised as a golf course layout. They also showed President Fire and Fury Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin where South Korea was located. It took him five guesses to find North Korea. “Is it this one?” 

“No, that’s China.” 

“Is it this one?”

“No, that’s the ocean. All the blue is water.” 

“Oh….is it like that on all maps?” 

A giant inflatable chicken has roosted across the street from that dump on Pennsylvania Ave. The chicken has a silly looking hairdo and is full of warm air. It would cost too much to fill with what Trumplestilskin is full of. 

Senator Ron Johnson (R Wisc) said that McCain’s brain cancer affected McCain’s vote on healthcare. You can read that as, “He experienced healthcare and thought everyone should have it,” or you can read it as intended, “McCain’s brain wasn’t working when he voted.” We all know brain function isn’t a requirement to be a senator, but I’m pretty sure Johnson is the one with a form of cancer. (His cancer grows while watching Faux Newz and denying science.) 

Before I get to the big news of the day, let me gloat and have a moment of schadenfreude. There is no member of the Trump talking turnip-head class who I dislike more than Jason Miller. If you don’t know which one, he is, go to your pantry, get a potato, draw a goatee on it…that should remind you of who he is. Well, he is married and just had a child with his wife…and his mistress just had a baby too. The mother of baby number two was another Trump aide who was partying with Miller in Vegas while he was “separated.” This “separation” is probably like most of Miller’s statements: a lie. Should I get joy from someone else’s indiscretions? Maybe not, but you watch that talking potato for five minutes and you’ll change your tune. 

Paul “Get the Cannoli Leave the Russian Paperwork” Manafort got a wake-up call on July 26th called a “no knock” search warrant. These types of warrants are very hard to obtain because you must prove that the person being served is likely to destroy the evidence. So, the FBI broke down Manafort’s door and took his stuff. If you look at Trump’s tweet storm, that day and the next, it is very interesting. That is when the cheeto-fingered-vulgarian was calling Sessions names and then there was the Transgender ban. Insiders are saying that there will probably be more surprise searches. Don-Fredo Jr. better start wearing pajamas to bed. 

Finally, talking racist robot and C- debate captain Stephen Miller has declared that Lord Dampnut is the most gifted politician ever and the greatest orator ever… Stephen Miller is the guy who got in the war of words with Jim Acosta about the Statue of Liberty. “Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim….actually, actually, actually, actually Jim, Jim. Jim your cosmopolitain attitude shocks me. Jim, I can’t believe this Jim. Actually…” Mr. “You’re a Cosmopolitan” Miller has never had a real job where he had to lift anything heavier than 500 sheets of paper, and grew up in Santa Monica. Now he lives in a million-dollar apartment. This is my choice for the next FBI raid. They’ll most likely catch him plugged into his recharging station, or on the phone to China to get some of that George Constanza hair cream. Let’s hope it happens soon. 

You may only have one day left to eat that last souvlaki. Live it up before NK shoots off its weapons.

Day 204

Hold on tight kiddos, yesterday was locked and loaded and full of fire and fury. 

Let’s start with a moment of silence for Jeffrey “When Did Nazi References Become Off Limits?” Lord. Mr. Lord has been the longest lasting on-air defender of Trump on CNN. He joins the long line of Trump surrogates who have been tossed in the flaming trumpster fire. Peace out, Jeffrey, I hope you can find space in the coal mine with the rest of the Trumplestilskin defenders. 

The day after Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin promised to destroy North Korea bigly, he came back to say that his rhetoric wasn’t strong enough. Does anyone else feel like the Orangutan in Chief is the drunk guy who you spend the whole night trying to keep out of a fight? “Wha’ did ya say to me? I’m gonna punch you in the face. No! Your Mom! Yah, le’s go outside.” The problem with all this tough talk is that when it gets to fighting time Donnie “Locked and Loaded Cheetos Fingers” is going to head into an underground bunker and we’re all going to be wondering how we got in this stupid fight. Trump has said that we have been too kind to NK over the years and what has that gotten us…peace? 

President Peter Principle thanked Vlad the election impaler for kicking out the 750 embassy workers. “That just saved us a lot of money.” Really? Is Trump that dumb? Does he think these people are hourly workers? You know what would save even more money? Not getting in a war. Reducing tax breaks for the 1%. Closing loopholes for moron corporations who go bankrupt and then write off the loses for ten years. Stopping government employed idiots from vacationing in Florida every weekend…. 

Mitch “Turtle Neck Isn’t A Preexisting Condition” McConnell has been tossed in the ol’ Trump frying pan. Trumplestillskin says that Mitch can get back on board team Trumpster Fire by getting Obamacare revoked, rewriting the tax code, and passing infrastructure improvements. This “Honey-Do” list might be why Lord Dampnut has gone bankrupt so many times. Someone needs to explain basic economics to him, or maybe he thinks that the 750 embassy workers’s salaries will cover all the infrastructure funds needed. This could be the tipping point for the Man Called Turtle. McConnell is an unlikable Testudine but he does survive, so if I were betting on who would last longer I’d put my money on McConnell. 

What was that sound? It was a big Russian shoe hitting the floor. Congressional investigators want to talk to Rhona Graff. Graff has been The Cheeto Fingered Vulgarian’s secretary for 30 years. She was included in the Don-Fredo emails setting up the meeting at Trump Tower with the Russian spies. If she was included, then you-know-who was probably included too. 

The more the Russian noose tightens, the more likely Agent Orange is to be starting a war…he’s got nothing to lose. If he starts a war, his base (aka single celled life forms) will rally behind him because he isn’t letting the US get pushed around by Un, and suddenly the Russian investigation will be over. 

If there is anything worth rallying around these days, it’s got to be souvlaki.

Day 205

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Fire and Fury Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestillskin called the Governor of Guam to tell him that the Governor was going to be extremely famous. Yep, that’s what folks in Guam are hoping for: fame. 

Sarah “Edgar Allan Poe Face” Huckabee Sanders cleared up the Orangutan in Chief’s recent statement about Putin kicking out Embassy staff. She said the CheetoMan was being sarcastic. Here’s the problem with that…in order to be sarcastic you must understand irony (not the Alanis Morissette kind). Sarcasm takes the existing words and uses them to say the opposite. For example, if Trumplestillskin walked into the room and I said to him, “Nice hair.” That would be sarcasm, because we all know his hair sucks. Sarcasm doesn’t work when insulting other countries, or cultures because they have a different view of what is normal. So…it wasn’t sarcasm…it was Trump being stupid…or, in other words, normal Trump. 

President Trumpster Fire also said we might invade Venezuela because they were our neighbor. The more this guy says, the more I realize how little he knows. I want to track down every social studies teacher Trump ever had and retroactively fire them. (I know you can’t blame the teacher for what a student learns, but someone has to take responsibility for his fundamental misunderstanding of laws and geography.)

Let’s end our happy post with the white supremacists’ marches in Charlottesville, Virginia. If you missed the pictures of the idiots pretending to be in a Leni Riefenstahl movie from last night you should look them up. What Virginia needs is lots of white guys carrying torches through the streets of Charlottesville. (That’s sarcasm. See how it works Sarah?) It’s hard to believe these tuna-can-heads think that they are being oppressed. This morning they returned in the light of day, armed with long guns, baseball bats, and shields. So… if you’re so oppressed, why didn’t the police mace the whole bunch of you and take all your toys? That’s what would have happened if 500 black protestors showed up with weapons to “protest.” Let’s be honest, these morons were showing up to start a war. I’ve got the perfect location for them: the 38th parallel. We could drop a bunch of sleeping gas on them, put them in shipping containers, and then they would wake up battle ready. After the war, they can stay in North Korea and fix everything since white folks are better at stuff than other people. (Sarcasm…again.) Of course, they would want to make sure that the statues of Kim Jong Un stay put…you know, because of history. 

The history of the souvlaki is also important to maintain. Invented in Greece and deconstructed in my belly.

Day 206

A 32-year-old woman was killed by a white supremacist yesterday. I’m sure the 20-year-old idiot driving the car hoped to kill more people when he plowed into the crowd protesting in Charlottesville, Virginia. He was captured soon after the murder took place. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin came out and said that we must stop this violence on both sides…

There can be no moral equivalency here. There is no “both sides were wrong” on this issue. There needs to be a red line between right and wrong. Here it is: One group came to Charlottesville to preach hate; the other group came to stop it. One group was morally wrong, one group was morally right…end of discussion. 

Why wouldn’t our Presidential Orangutan say that white supremacists are idiots and should be treated like all other hate groups? Because they are Trump’s base. 

(History Lesson coming…probably boring and not funny, but today, I’m not in the mood. Please stick with me because I think this will help explain all of this craziness.) 

Steve “Looking Homeless is a Fashion Choice” Bannon is a guy with a varied background: Navy-Goldman Sacks-Hollywood-Breitbart News-White House. Along the way, Bannon helped fund a company, IGE, that found a way to make money off of internet gamers. IGE hired Chinese gamers to farm gold in World of Warcraft. These Chinese gamers would do the hours of grunt work to earn gold in the game. IGE would then sell their earnings in the real world for real money. Gamers in the West had money, but not the time, so they would illegally buy the merch from IGE. All of this illegal activity took place in the gaming chat rooms. (These chat rooms are important to Bannon’s epiphany.) Bannon invested $60 million in IGE. Blizzard software (makers of the World of Warcraft game) figured out what was going on and closed a ton of IGE accounts. IGE started to lose money and Bannon jumped over to Breitbart News, but the gaming chat rooms blew up. Bannon watched how the internet trolls in the chat rooms operated. This incident spawned GamerGate, which was where internet trolls took on women gamers and minority gamers. The hatred spewed out through the chat rooms caught Bannon’s fancy and he tapped into this rage and unleashed the “rootless, white males” through Breitbart News. He hired Milo Yiannopoulos to be head tech troll at Breitbart. Bannon realized that these internet trolls would be the tireless workers in an election if they had the right candidate…enter Donnie “Stretch-Fit-Pants” TrumpsterFire. 

So, yesterday when the time had come to denounce the white supremacists, Trump didn’t direct his focus on those folks responsible for the hatred because those are his people. Those people are his most vocal supporters. Those people are advising him in the Oval Office: Steven Bannon, Stephen Miller, Sebastian Gorka. 

Roll back to the day that Skynet-Robot-Caught-in-a-“Jim”-Loop: Stephen Miller got in the verbal merry-go-round with Jim Acosta. What did Miller do? He trolled Acosta. He provided nothing of substance. It was like reading the comment section of any internet newspaper. He didn’t provide a program to help immigrants. He smarmily pushed Acosta’s buttons and the Alt-Right internet blew up with praise. That is because these clowns aren’t here to govern, they are here to troll. They get a win when they make liberals mad. They don’t care if Russia helped them win an election, they care that it makes liberals mad. They don’t care if everyone goes without healthcare, they care that it makes liberals mad. They can’t govern, because they don’t have a plan, their plan is to make liberals mad…and that’s it. Seven years was not enough time to work out a plan to replace Obamacare, because they don’t really want to replace it, they want anger. (Oh, I think Paul “Ayn Rand” Ryan is only a shade better than these racist morons.) 

How do we (I’m assuming you’re on board if you read this far) fight these idiots. We show up. We resist. We support differences. We don’t let a 32-year-old woman die for a cause that all of us should agree is right. 

And… we celebrate the diverse food options available to us in the USA: SOUVLAKI!

Day 207

Kenneth Frazier, the CEO of Merck, resigned from Trump’s advisory board because of Trump’s response to yesterday’s white supremacist violence. It took one hour for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin to call out Frazier BY NAME and condemn him. ONE HOUR! Why can’t he do the same with the Nazi Trailer Park Trash that gathered in Charlottesville? (Hint, it has something to do with his supporters.) #fireBannon #fireStephenMiller #fireGorka

Mike “I Sold My Soul And All I Got Was To Be VicePresident While the World Burned” Pence translated Trumplestillskin’s statement while he was signing a trade agreement with avocados…or a country that produces avocados. Pence said that Trump meant that Nazis were bad. WELL, WHY DIDN’T HE SAY THAT THEN? You can’t have your avocados and eat them too. 

You know what goes well with a side of avocado? Souvlaki.

Day 209

Remember how White House Chief of Staff John “Machine Gun” Kelly was going to bring stability to the Oval Office? How’s that going? If you saw Kelly at yesterday’s “Infrastructure” news conference, then you know Kelly is getting ready to run off fresh copies of his resume in the White House office copier. The Trump crazy train cannot be controlled. 

I’m not sure where to start…so let’s hit a couple easy ones. Two more people quit Trumplestillskin’s advisory panel. Trumplestillskin’s plan to cut funding for Obamacare will cause premiums to rise 20%. Trump’s infrastructure plan is to cut regulations because we don’t have enough skyscraper fires and people dying so guys like Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplesillskin can make a buck. 

Let me lay this out for you in simple terms, the guy who can’t string together a coherent message without reading it (a skill most 3rd graders have mastered) is the guy we want deciding what regulations should be in place for building infrastructure? This clown is the guy we want saying, “You know, inspections are for sissies. We can save a million dollars on this building if we don’t install fire sprinklers”?

Before the Presidential Orangutan went off script, he talked about how he has created a million jobs and was the bestest president ever… (insert your own “the trains ran on time” Mussolini joke here). Since Trumplestillskin doesn’t know ANY history let me say it here, “Mussolini’s reign ended badly.” Those trains might have been on time, but eventually it was the noose makers who kept their jobs in Italy. (No, I’m not saying that Trump should be dragged through a street and hung in the city square. I’d be okay if he impeached and forced to live out his days in Trump Tower…as long as it was made into a free museum we could visit and walk through the golden lair. He could sit on his golden chair with a sign around his neck that said, “Made in America. Funded by Russia.”)

The rolling Trumpster-fire that was the press conference will probably be a historic moment that future generations look back on and ask, “Was this guy elected when people used leaches to heal diseases? Was this before they knew that the Earth revolved around the Sun? How much lead was in the water back then? I’m so glad we got rid of the Electoral College.” 

The press conference was 30 minutes of “where’d Grandpa leave his teeth this time.” There were lots of moronic half sentences spoken by our elected-orange-racisit-bag-of-Russian-pus, but nothing topped the dual statements that the Nazi’s had good people among them, and that the people who came to oppose the racists were to blame as much as the dudes who showed up with guns, shields, clubs, mace, and khaki pants. Ummm…there are no good racists. None. Show me a racist and I’ll show you a bad person. Defending a racist is like defending Jeffrey Dahmer because he attended Ohio State University for a semester. “He might have done some bad things, but he’s a Buckeye. He can’t be all bad.” Sorry, when you start eating people it kinda does wipe out all the times you gave a homeless guy a quarter. 

The second argument that both groups were to blame is a real beaut. Yep, if the entire city of Charlottesville left town and no one else was there except Team Trump. There probably would have been less violence. Let me apply that logic to the bombing of Pearl Harbor…yep, if we didn’t have any ships docked there hardly anyone would have been killed. Let give it another try, if we stopped opposing ISIS and just agreed with them there would be lots less violence. There seems to be a flaw in that logic…it’s called knowing the difference between good/evil. 

It’s time. It’s time for supporters of Team Trumplestillskin to make a stand. You’re either for goodness or for evil. Pick a side. 

As John Lennon once wrote, “if you want money for minds that hate, all I can tell you brother is you have to wait.” 

I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again I’m on team souvlaki.

Day 208

Well…President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster-Fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin made a clear statement denouncing white supremacists. His reading of the statement did smack of Eddie Haskell– “Good morning, Mrs. Cleaver. Good morning, Mr. Cleaver.”– and his body language was right out of “go and tell Jimmy you’re sorry you called him a liberated.” (I just realized how hard it is to type libertard with spell check. “It’s not liberated!” So… everyone who types the word must have told their dictionary to learn the word, or they don’t use spell-check.) 

After the statement, the baby orangutan tweeted out a statement about the fake media bullying him into making the statement, retweeted a picture of a cartoon character with a CNN logo placed over its face getting run over by a Trump Train, and retweeted something from Jack Posobiec (known white nationalist and the guy who spread rumors about PizzaGate and the murder of Seth Rich). In other words, Trumplestillskin is unable to learn from his mistakes. 

Three more CEOs left Trump’s advisory board. Pretty soon this advisory board is going to consist of White Power Cleaners, the guy from Hobby Lobby, and Dana White. 

Here’s the question of the day, will we reach the solar eclipse before the end of the world, or will we get to see it happen? 

On that happy note, I’m off to find some joy in Mudville…a Souvlaki lunch is in the works.

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