Day: January 2, 2021

Day 190

Yesterday can only be described as a train wreck, on a sinking boat in an ocean of filth, on a planet being struck by a giant meteor, in a galaxy being sucked into a black hole. 

The republicans had seven years to plan a replacement for Obamacare. What did they come up with? A junior high science project…”What? It’s due tomorrow? How fast does mold grow?” At around 2AM, John McCain wandered out of his hyperbaric chamber and voted with two other sane (in other words, female) members of the republican party to kill the “skinny repeal.” Mitch “Turtleneck isn’t a Preexisting Condition” McConnell then made a speech I’ll term: An Ode To Irony. Here’s a summarized transcript, “We really, really, really wanted to work with everyone, but you guys didn’t break down the doors and help the thirteen of us draft some legislation to take away everyone’s healthcare. You guys didn’t try hard enough to help us kill people. You’re bad.” 

Ted “My Face is Wax–Take that Madam Tussaud” Cruz went right out and found the Faux Newz cameras and gave his own speech about how hard he tried to kill people and drink the blood of his enemies, but nobody helped. Ted’s sad face made me very happy. 

I’m sure President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpenstein is angry. 

But I’ll bet he isn’t as angry as Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon. OMG, just when you think the crazy has reached 10, Anthony “Italian Stereotypes Might Have a Point” Scaramucci comes along and turns it up to 12. If you missed “The Mooch’s” interview in the New Yorker, you missed a new episode of The Sopranos. The Mooch said that…well, I can’t really repeat what he said. Don Lemon tried to read the quotes on the air last night and couldn’t because so many words were bleeped out. (Don was a broken man, he didn’t know what to say.) It was like trying to read a redacted letter. To summarize: Priebus is crazy and Steve “Jabba The Hut” Bannon spends his days practicing a strange form of yoga. 

I’d bet a thousand dollars that Trump told the Mooch to say these things. I don’t feel bad for any of them. You can put a red MAGA cap on a bag of festering pus, but the red hat doesn’t cover up the fact that all of these people in the Trump administration are rudderless, egocentric, monomaniacal, bags of festering pus. 

Oh, and Sam Brownback has been named Protector of Religious Freedom or some stupid title like that. This moron was too stupid to run Kansas and now he is going to keep our religious freedoms safe…I’ll bet I can say Merry Christmas again. I hope his first act is to protect Muslims who have been shut out of the country by Trump’s travel ban. Or are the religious freedom protections restricted to one religion? 

Well, as long as I don’t have any restrictions on access to souvlaki, I’ll be okay.

Day 191

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumpinstein gave a speech to a police organization yesterday where he said that roughing up people is a good idea. That’s some tough talk for a guy with bone spurs so severe that he couldn’t fight in Nam. The police organization came out afterwards and said they didn’t approve of police brutality. So, for the record, Trump’s last two speeches have been followed up by statements from the organizations saying they didn’t agree with what the President said. Thanks Obama! Can’t wait until Trump speaks to a KKK rally. “We’re about racism, threatening violence, and burning crosses, Mr. Trump’s statements do not reflect the longstanding beliefs held by the KKK.”

Trump’s multidimensional chess game taking place inside the Oval Office (aka random impulses from a demented mind) took another shake of the magic eight ball. Reince “Spell Check Thinks My Name is Rice” Priebus has been told to get his mini-fridge together and hit the bricks. Priebus has survived a few disasters in his time (2012 elections, 2016 Argentinean locus storm) but he could not survive Hurricane Donald. 

Trump has named John “Machine Gun” Kelly to take over for Reince. Kelly is an ex-general with a reputation for discipline. Good luck, Buddy Boy. I don’t know how anyone is ever going to be able to contain the force of nature known as the Trump administration. I’ve got five dollars that says that by the end of August Steve “I Practice Yoga for Different Reasons Than You” Bannon and Kelly will be in a caged battle to the death in the Oval Office. 

Oh, North Korea shot off another ICBM. I thought this was going to stop once we elected a Presidential Orangutan. 

Also, I missed reporting that the racist Georgian gnome said he agrees with Trump, “Sessions sucks.” Sessions seems to have adopted the hybrid attitude of the Albino Priest from The Da Vinci Code and Kevin Bacon in Animal House. (Thank you, sir. May I have another?)

In case you were under the impression that Trump knew how government works, he threatened to veto the Russian Sanctions bill that passed through the House and Senate…with VETO PROOF majorities. Once someone said, “You can’t veto something with a veto proof majority.” Trump said, “Oh, who knew?” The answer to that is pretty much everyone who watched School of Rock’s “I’m Just Bill” cartoon. 

Anthony “I Play An Italian Stereotype On TV” Scaramucci’s wife has had enough of his “naked ambition” and wants out of their marriage. “The Mooch” doesn’t care, he’s in a love affair with an Orange Man with tiny, soft hands. 

Personally, I’m in love with souvlaki.

Day 192

President Donald Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumpinstein has taken to twitter to solve the nation’s problems. His tiny orange cheeto-like fingers sent a strongly worded warning to North Korea by saying that China isn’t helping us at all. I’m starting to see a trend here. Trump never directly addresses any problem, but triangulates it, and bullies the third party to do his dirty work. Unfortunately, China isn’t on The Apprentice. China isn’t the US State Department. China isn’t our little brother who we can send out to punch somebody in the nose. China is a nation that is probably saying to everyone in their country, “See what happens when you get to vote for your leaders. You end up with a North American Orangutan with dementia.” 

Donnie “Hair-club for Men By Windstorm” Trumpinator also sent out a tweet saying that he was going to end the insurance company bailouts if Obamacare doesn’t disappear. The problem with this tweet is that it makes no sense. No one is sure what he means. Is he making a threat to stop federal funding to insurance markets? Does he even know how Obamacare works? I’d be willing to bet he couldn’t pass the true/false test I have created below.

1. Obamacare is a nickname for The Affordable Care Act. 

2. The death panels formed by Obamacare have only killed Faux Newz viewers. 

3. Each state has the option to receive more federal funding to expand medicaid.

4. When someone says that their hands aren’t small and “I guarantee you there’s no problem”…there is a problem. 

5. Bailout is a word that means something different than you think it does. 

Key: T, F, T, T, T

Vlad the Election Impaler Putin is saying that if the US puts more sanctions on Russia, he will retaliate. I’m not sure if that means we will have to do without those fine Russian products everyone needs: Beets, videotapes of prostitutes in hotel rooms, nesting dolls, and access to the book “An Idiots Guide To Electing A Pea-brained Misogynist Orangutan.” 

In the back rooms of the White House, Kansas Secretary of State Kris “Karl” Kobach is doing what he can do to prove there was voter fraud in the last election and that Donnie won the popular vote. KKK is asking for lots of information on voters, but what he isn’t releasing are the meeting notes from his discussions with the Trumpster. (Rhymes with dumpster and smells about the same.) Here is a condensed version of the instructions Trump gave to KKK: “You know how the map was all red. There was hardly any blue, because Crooked Hillary, a nasty lady. I mean a really nasty lady. I’m not saying that. People are. People are saying that. They say, “You know. Trump won the election.” It was a beautiful election. On the night when I won, it was a beautiful night. I rolled over in bed and said to Ivanka…I mean Melania. I said, ‘Look at all that red.’ I’ll have to send a thank you note to Vlad. Do you think he’ll be my friend? What was I talking about? Yes, look into the voter fraud and make me win.” 

The furniture is getting rearranged in the Oval Office this week and the Trump administration is pivoting. White House Chief of Staff Machine Gun Kelly is going to find out the hard way that Trump isn’t a normal human. I’m betting it will be about three days before he is overwhelmed by the job. Remember, he is coming from Homeland Security…I think controlling Trump is harder than keeping terrorists out of the country. 

The thing I have the hardest time controlling is my appetite for souvlaki.

Day 193

Yikes, I just finished my post and 98.7% got erased. So here is a revised and shortened version. Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut* Von Trumpenstein and Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin are fighting. BFF fights are the worst. Lord Dampnut is going to have to return the signed 8×10 signed, glossy photo of a shirtless Vlad riding a unicorn. Vlad is going to return a well-used VHS tape and the keys to the Wikipedia office. 

755 American diplomats are going to be sent back to the US where Lord Dampnut has arranged for them to get jobs in a coal mine, or at a Carrier plant in Indiana. (Carrier has used their $16 million tax break from Indiana to automate the plant. So those jobs won’t go to Mexico, they’ll go to Skynet.)

Oh, and Russia said they are going to use their rich toolbox of measures to retaliate against the US. This rich toolbox is a flathead screwdriver and two IKEA Allen wrenches…or financial information connecting THE KUSH and Lord Dampnut to Russian oligarchs. 

China told the orangutan from the golden tower that they couldn’t do anything with North Korea on their own. Lord Dampnut asked them to cut off the supply of Mandarin Orange Chicken from Panda Express to Un. China said, “What’s Panda Express?” Agent Orange said, “It’s a traditional Chinese restaurant. I love the Chinese! They make the best railroads and chop sticks.” 

Lord Dampnut spent his weekend on the links. That makes 43 out of 193 days on the job that he has been golfing. Remember when he said he was going to work, work, work…there would be no time for golf? Yep, apparently that was a lie. That’s okay, the red states still love that he is Making America Golf Again. It was so disrespectful when Obama golfed. (I’m trying to put my finger on how these two presidents are different…what could it be?) If we really want to Make America Great Again we need to add BEMS to the acronym. Make American Great Again By Eating More Souvlaki. 

*(Thanks to Justin for the anagram.)

Day 194

Anthony “I Used To Play An Italian Stereotype on TV But Now I’m Just Another Guy Looking For A Coal Mining Job” Scaramucci is gone. The BBC said he got the sack. While the British term for getting fired is an interesting one, I like to think that what The Mooch said about Bannon helped someone write that headline. It’s a shame to say goodbye to The Mooch, but I have some ideas for future employment:

Deodorant salesman: “This stuff lasts longer than I did in the White House.” 

Feminine Hygiene Products: “When that time of the month lasts longer than I did in the White House.” 

Hairspray: “This stuff will hold your style longer than I was White House communications director.” 

Constipation relief: “When you haven’t gone for as long as I was in the White House.” 

Getting the sack wasn’t the worst part of The Mooch’s week, Harvard Law had him listed as dead. His wife left him. He had to turn in his secret Russian decoder ring. 

Corey “Listening to me is like scrubbing your brain with a Brillo pad” Lewandowski was also fired yesterday. He had a job on some pro-Trump television network that no one has ever heard of. I guess they didn’t like it that he was appearing on a competing pro-Trump network too often: Faux Newz. Hey, Corey, I hear there are coal mining jobs in West Virginia. Give ’em a call, they need people who are willing to crawl into dark places. 

Arizona Congressman, Trent “My Face Looks like a Dick Tracy Bad Guy” Franks has asked for Mueller to be fired. Franks was voted one of the ten weirdest congressmen in 2013. Good old shovel face thinks that Mueller was too close to Comey and therefore should be let go. Franks strikes me as the guy who watches his food turn in a microwave for entertainment. 

Speaking of the Russian investigation, Don-Fredo may have gotten his daddy in lots of trouble. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein wrote Don-Fredo’s get out of jail free card statement that said that he was just talking about Russian adoption and not about how to collude and get information on Hillary. The Presidential Orangutan is under the impression that he has not broken any laws, so he isn’t consulting any lawyers (or anyone else) before acting. The Greeks had a term for this: Stupid. 

The Greeks also gifted the world with the deliciousness of souvlaki.

Day 195

Watching President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein govern is a lot like watching a dog try to pick up two things with its mouth. “Let me see. I have this thing in my mouth, but I want that thing. Wait …I just dropped the first thing. I’ll try again. Oh…it happened again. I’m going to keep doing this…forever.”

I’m not sure which train wreck on Planet Trump to address first, but here we go…The Orangutan from the Golden Tower reportedly said that the reason he spends his weekends away from the White House is because it is “a dump.” No, a dump is what is on your head. Two dumps if you’re wearing a Make America Great Again hat. I don’t know about the rest of you, but calling the White House a dump is kind of like calling every mom in America fat and ugly. Beyond that, there is the implication that this house is not good enough for PAOJCLDVT (President Agent Orange….). Only Trump could say something that moronic. Let’s imagine Trump at a few other historical locations: 

“Versailles is a dump. It doesn’t even have air conditioning.” 

“The pyramids are all falling apart. What poor craftsmanship.” 

“It isn’t even that great, this Great Wall of China. I could fly my helicopter right over it. What were they thinking?”

Trump’s interview with the WSJournal is another dive into the mental illness of America’s least favorite, crazy, bigoted uncle. Reading the interview is what it must be like to have a concussion. You think you are understanding what is being said, but then when you realize that what is being said makes no sense. The Boy Scout jamboree came up and Trump talked about the crowd size and then said that the leader of the Boy Scouts called him to say that it was the best speech ever. The Boy Scouts of America said no one called Trump. Possible explanations: 

1. Trump is lying. 

2. The Boy Scouts of America are lying. 

3. A morning DJ prank called Trump and said he was the leader of the Boy Scouts. 

4. Trump’s brain doesn’t work. 

5. President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Susan Rice paid ISIS to attack the Benghazi compound, causing a series of chain-reactions leading to the election of an idiot. 

Speaking of Hillary. It turns out the conspiracy idiots who brought you the “There’s a child sex ring lead by Hillary in the basement of a pizza parlor in WA DC” have been caught again in a lie. (For the record, there isn’t even a basement in the pizza parlor in question.) This conspiracy theory circles around the death of DNC worker Seth Rich. Seth Rich was murdered in a botched robbery in DC. Faux Newz reported that Rich was killed by Hillary because he leaked emails to Wikileaks. That was picked up by Alex “My Face is Red Because I’m Constipated” Jones at InfoWars, Newt “Is My First Wife Dead Yet? Because I Found Another One” Gingrich, and Sean “My Head is Shaped like a Box because it’s empty” Hannity. The fake news spread like most conspiracy theories on the internet (one idiot passing on information to another idiot). Eventually, Faux Newz retracted the story…and now the other shoe has dropped. A lawsuit that was just filed claims that Trump read the article and wanted Faux to push the story. This is how the media works in countries like Russia and China. It isn’t supposed to work that way here. 

Finally, the DOJ is going to shift money used to investigate civil rights abuses into a new fund to investigate affirmative action on college campuses. Apparently, white males like myself have been getting screwed over by colleges. As a white male, I just want to thank everyone for looking out for me. It’s about time that someone in power helped those of us in power to get more power. If there is one motto, I live by it is, “We might have 95% of the power, but why don’t we have 100%?” 

If you need evidence that white males already have advantages in our country all you have to do is look to see who is living in that “dump” on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 

I want the DOJ to investigate why I can’t get a souvlaki in every town in America…that’s a true crime.

Day 196

Another day, another fifteen lies to unpack from the White House. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein is unable to say five things without one of them being a lie. When he is caught, he sends out one of his soulless minions to lie for him. Sarah “Supercuts is Good Enough for Me” Huckabee Sanders had to explain how Trump didn’t get a call from the Boy Scouts of America saying, “best speech since Henry V” and then had to explain how Mexico’s President didn’t tell Trump he was really happy with the wall and immigration. Instead of saying, “You know, President Orangutan exaggerates sometimes. It’s part of his colorful personality. It matches his skin color,” Sanders is forced to contort herself like Yogi Coudoux. (Blast from the past. Only a child from the 80s will catch that one. Youtube: Yogi Coudoux That’s Incredible.) 

It might be fun, or funny to continue to catch Donald Trumpskin in his lies, but if he is willing to lie about something as stupid as getting a phone call from the Boy Scouts can we trust him to tell the truth about anything? (The answer is NO.)

Speaking of lies, the Washington Post released a transcript of phone calls Trump made back in Feb. to the PM of Australia and the President of Mexico. If you read the whole thing, you’ll understand that Trump has been off his rocker for the entire presidency. A few of his statements are so looney that they defy explanation. “I’m the world’s greatest person that does not want to let people into the country.” “I hate these people…They are not going to be wonderful people who go on to work for the local milk people.” If you had a five-year old say this stuff, you’d get him tested.

Stephen “Skynet Robot By Day, Guy You Catch Looking in Your Window By Night” Miller had a press conference to release the most recent Trump attempt to pander to the White Supremacist wing of the party. Miller and Jim Acosta got into a verbal kerfuffle that was more annoying than any episode of Real Housewives. Miller, who should remind everyone of that kid who didn’t get punched enough in high school, and Acosta went around in circles about the Statue of Liberty. (What Miller was saying was filled with Alt Right dog whistles.) Acosta should have tossed down his press credentials and walked up to the podium and knocked the smirk off of Miller’s rubber-skinned face. The most annoying part of the exchange was the number of times Miller said, “Actually” and “Jim.” Somebody on YouTube needs to put up a counter on one of the videos. 

While you’re at YouTube, make sure to stop in on the Souvlaki Hut’s ad, at least you can still trust good advertising.

Day 197

Remember when President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein had fake Newsweek covers made and placed in his golf clubs? Well, now he won’t need to have a fake Newsweek cover because this week’s edition is out with the Orangutan-with-small-hands-and-big-plans on the cover. It’s not the type of cover he’s going to like. The picture is of him slumped a Lazy Boy chair with a bunch of empty fast-food containers around him. The headline reads: “Lazy Boy. Donald Trump is bored and tired. Imagine how bad he’d feel if he did any work.” People who subscribe to Newsweek should frame the cover and sent it to him at the White House. Something to liven up the “dump” on Pennsylvania Ave. 

GQ has an article titled: “Laziest President in American History Departs for a 17 Day Vacation.” The article uses a few of Trump’s own tweets critical of Obama taking vacations…Trump will spend more money on weekend trips and vacations in his first year than Obama did in his eight years. Trump also tweeted a few years ago that you don’t need vacations if you love your job. 

Why is the Liar in Chief heading off to vacation? Well, I guess the weather in DC is hot this time of year, and he might want to get out closer to the border so when Mueller comes to arrest him, he can make a run for Canada. Mueller has now impanelled a Grand Jury in WA DC. At the same time, General “I Thought You Guys Forgot About Me” Flynn has updated his financial disclosure forms again. This has some people believing that Flynn has turned over on the Presidental-Rolling-Trumpster-Fire and is working with Mueller. 

Trumplestilskin reacted by going to West Virginia to have a rally where he pretended he wasn’t president and asked for someone to investigate Hillary Clinton’s missing emails. You know who could do that? Someone in power…someone who knew the scope of the job of president…someone who doesn’t get his news briefings from Faux and Friendz. If you’re not seeing the pattern here, let me point it out: Trump does something stupid, the news kills him for a week, he gets all down in the dumps and eats four bags of Cool Ranch Doritos, he watches old episodes of Jersey Shore and won’t work, then his advisors plan a trip to see “real Americans” at a rally where he can feel good about himself again. The entire point of these trips is to make our grand baby boy feel good about himself. Maybe we should just buy him a participation trophy and say, “You were the best president ever. Here, take this trophy and go home.” Anyway, Trumplestilskin got the hillbillies in West Virginia all riled up and said that the whole Russian thing was a witch hunt. I’ll keep saying it. I’m all for a witch hunt if it ends in the traditional way. 

Speaking of meats cooked over an open flame, I could really go for a souvlaki.

Day 198

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumlestilskin is on a 17-day vacation. His vacation plans are to: Spend more time reading biographies of great presidents, discuss future trends with Elon Musk and Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson, form a comprehensive plan to rearrange America’s infrastructure, and join in a series of roundtable discussions with Nobel Prize scientists.

Just kidding. He’s going to golf, eat chocolate cake, and watch reality television. 

Machine Gun John Kelly has done a good job of keeping the Trumpster fire from getting on Twitter and tweeting out something stupid. Kelly has also instituted a serious protocol for people seeing Trump in the Oval Office. This should keep Trump from doing too many stupid things…until Trump gets bored and decides to attack North Korea. 

Mini-person and Jumbo Racist Gnome, Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions has gotten together a group to track down the leakers in the White House. Those bad people should be prosecuted for releasing information that shows how insane our current Orangutan in Chief is. What we need is a news organization to get out the truth. (Faux Newz can only do so much.) To fix the problem of pumping out more propaganda, Trump’s daughter in law will be hosting a weekly Facebook news program where you can get the unvarnished truth directly from the mouth of Big Brother. 

Speaking of mouths, I could really use a good souvlaki today.

Day 199

The Trumplestilskin administration got something resembling governing done. That’s right, I’m going to give them credit for getting the UN sanctions placed against North Korea. Is it a coincidence that the Orangutan in Chief is on vacation? Is it a coincidence that his little Cheeto fingers haven’t tweeted something stupid out for a few days? Is it possible that White House Chief of Staff, Machine Gun Kelly has found the magic formula to get things done…make sure President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin has nothing to do with the running of the government? 

Who is going to replace The Mooch? (When I say replace, I mean take the job that The Mooch got fired from before he started. The Mooch might be the only person in America to be fired five days before they were to begin.) The leading replacement idiot seems to be Stephen “Not All Robots Are Created Equal” Miller. (God may not make mistakes, but Skynet certainly does.) I’m not sure I can listen to this Alt-Right noodle head more than once every six months, but I have a feeling he will implode if given the job. His smug, debate captain attitude can work if he only appears like Punxsutawney Phil and then crawls back into his hole in the ground, but if he had to answer to his cornucopia of lies his head would explode. (You tell me, does Miller look like one of the Aliens from Mars Attacks!?)

Another Faux Newz anchor has bitten the dust. Is there a section of the application that says: Are you willing to sexually harass females at work? Maybe their plan is to Make America Great Again by Making America More Like The First Season of Mad Men (MAMLTFSOMM?). 

America will never be great until we have a Souvlaki Hut on every corner.

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