Day: January 2, 2021

Day 359

Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Least racist person you’ll ever meet and most racist person I know, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius is celebrating MLK day by volunteering at a local soup kitchen as has become the tradition of presidents since MLK day was founded… Got you! He’s not volunteering, he’s GOLFING! 

El Presidente Loco sent Mike “Future President” Pence to the Martin Luther King Jr. memorial in WA DC to make a statement. Pence did not get up and walk out after he heard that King was a black protestor, but since he wasn’t at a football game he decided that MLK’s protests were okay. Or, he could have just been covering for his racist boss. 

The failing New York Times just put out milestone list from Trumplestillskin: 2000 lies. That’s right, he has told 2000 lies in his 359 days in office. Around six a day, so one for every diet Coke he drinks. He is also now attacking Dick Durbn (Trumplestillskin is calling Senator Durbin “Dicky” but I don’t believe in name calling, so I’ll keep it as just Dick.) Trumpenstein is claiming that if he can’t trust Dick to keep Donnie’s racist rants secret, then deals can’t get made. “See Dick not keep a secret. You know who knows how to keep a secret? Vlad knows how. See Vlad keep a secret. Vlad knows how to keep a secret. Good, Vlad, good. Vlad is keeping a secret, but bad inspector Mueller keeps getting closer to finding out what Vlad’s secret is.” 

I don’t know what type of DACA deal Trumplestillskin thinks he’s going to make because he still needs to learn what DACA is and who the Dreamers are. I’m not going to hold my breath for him to learn. The guy has had 359 days in office, and I believe he has not learned a single thing… well, he did find out he can’t put a lock on the door to his bedroom and that $130,000 may not be enough to keep a porn star quiet. 

What have I learned in the 359 days? That souvlaki never gets old.

Day 360

Least racist person you’ll ever interview and most racist person I know, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius spent his MLK day golfing because as Dr. King said, “The long arc of justice bends towards the woods like a tee shot from the guy who said he would never vacation or golf.” 

North Korea finally responded to Trumplestillskin’s big button claim. They said the statement was the spasm of a lunatic. Those North Koreans should be invited to the next White House Correspondents Dinner because their insults are fire. Dotard and now this… not bad. 

DACA and a government shutdown have converged and El Presidente Loco seems to believe that he can blame the democrats and everyone will believe him. This is one of the more interesting aspects of his presidency. The GOP is stuck having to defend everything he says and he lies a lot. They don’t have to defend his lies, but they choose to defend his lies. The sh**hole countries is a good example. His defenders were all over the airwaves saying, “He said he didn’t say that, so I believe him.” This is the same guy who said Mexico was going to pay for the wall, who said he had a big button on his desk, who said Obama was born in Kenya, who said three million people voted illegally, who said he knew more about war than the generals, who said he had the biggest brain and knew the best words… this is the guy who they keep claiming never said “sh**hole” countries. Yep, I’m going with Dick Durbin on this one. 

On Wednesday, after a two-week delay, Trumpenstein will be giving out the fake media awards. This is right out of the dictator’s handbook. There are days when I wonder who is dumber: Trumplestillskin, or his followers. It is a close call. The GOP mouth breathers are not going to win any Nobel Prizes, but then neither is Mr. Fire and Furher. 

Mike “I’m Just Here for the Free Nachos” Pence couldn’t get up and leave yesterday’s sermon like he did at the Colts’ game. The pastor of the church took the GOP administration to task for their racist behavior and statements. I almost felt sorry for him but then I remembered he is from one of those sh**hole states that founded the KKK and voted for Trumpenstein. 

Just five more days before it has been a year of souvlaki. Some things never get old.

Day 361

Least racist person you’ll ever interview and most racist person I know, President Fatboy Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius passed his fitness test yesterday. What did we find out:

1. He is one pound away from being obese. (So…he’s obese.) 

2. He uses hair growth treatments. (He should be suing those guys.)

3. His heart rate and blood pressure are pretty good for a 71 year-old lunatic. (No conscious, no pressure.)

4. He passed a screening test for dementia. (Me too.)

5. He takes meds to control his cholesterol and it sounds like he needs to take more. (A lot more.)

6. He needs to exercise and change his diet. (Not happening. Sad. Loser.)

All of that just goes to show you that medical science has come a long way. Here’s the thing I want to focus on the mental screening test. This wasn’t an IQ test. This wasn’t a test to find out if he knows anything about anything. It was a test to find out if he can remember little things. He can remember little things. That doesn’t make him mentally fit, it just emphasizes the fact that when he does something crazy it is because he is crazy, not that he is slipping…he’s already slipped. 

Speaking of slippage, Sloppy Steve Bannon was let out of his cage yesterday so he could testify for the house investigative group. He went and said, “I can’t testify about anything, because the White House said I could invoke a special privilege called ‘I don’t want to talk.'” This made most of the committee angry, but too bad for them they are the ones empowering the Executive Wing to believe that it can do whatever it wants. 

The good news is that Mueller has Bannon slated to testify under oath too. I doubt Mr. Bannon will get to say, “I’m not feeling like saying anything today.” If he does, I’d bet he ends up in a nice jail cell until he wants to talk. 

I know it’s cruel and unusual, but if Bannon gets locked up, I vote that they don’t let him have a souvlaki either.

Day 362

(Three days left.) Least racist person you’ll ever interview and most racist person I know, President Fatboy Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius is claiming that the plans for the Mexican wall have not changed or evolved at all. This contradicts what John “Machine Gun” Kelly was saying on news programs this weekend. So, is someone lying? That can’t be it. Trumplestillskin doesn’t lie. Take for instance the cooperation that the White House insists is happening with all the investigations. “We are cooperating 100%” Then the White House lawyers tell Bannon and Lewandowski not to say anything. (If Lewandowski doesn’t end up at Gitmo I’m going to be disappointed.) This is what Orwell called Doublethink. (The ability to hold two opposing ideas in your head and think both are true.) Trumpenstien followers are able to do this better than any group of turnip heads I have ever seen. 

For example, the Fake News awards were given out last night. (I was expecting something televised, but all that happened was somebody put up a blog piece on the GOP website. My Facebook page, fake news at its finest, did not get a mention.) El Presidente Loco gave out awards for news agencies he said were lying. The guy who has lied 2000 times. The guy who lies so naturally that he probably doesn’t even realize it when it happens. The words are out of his mouth before his brain knows what happened. By the way, most of the award winners had already issued corrections or apologized… there’s something that we have not seen from the White House. There are days it feels like we are all living in Bizarro World. 

The conspiracies around Trumplesillskin’s physical are out floating in the internet. The Girther movement is by far the best. The Girthers are pointing out that Trump, at the age of 71, is claiming to have grown an inch in the past couple of years. They also have people standing next to him who are 6’3″ (the height he claims to be) and he is a good two inches shorter. If he is 6’1″ then he is obese. The label isn’t important to me, but it really seems important to the Fat Boy in the White House. Time to get longer ties to cover that belly. 

Other than that, he is claiming that his dementia test shows he is so smart that he can fix North Korea. If you haven’t seen the test, then you should. It asks stuff like name the three animals in the pictures…lion, rhino, camel. That doesn’t really show much in the way of smarts, but it does make you qualified to sweep up manure at a zoo. 

I just glad the Souvlaki Hut gorilla isn’t on the test. Sometimes it’s hard to tell a gorilla from a monkey.

Day 364

(It ends tomorrow.) Least racist person you’ll ever interview and most racist person I know, President Fatboy Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius Von Deal-Maker could not get his deal done to keep the government running. I’m sure that in his head he was going to get his way, but unlike business where you just don’t pay people you want to punish, in government you actually must try to make a deal. Trumplestillskin thinks he can blame the democrats for the shutdown but usually the party with all three branches of government in control will take the blame. More importantly, blame doesn’t matter… this hurts people. 

In Touch magazine, found on the finest supermarket checkout stands in America, has released the 2011 interview they had with Stormy Daniels. The interview was done before she signed the non-disclosure agreement. The details of the affair are about what you’d think: Trumpenstein is a creepy dude who used his power to sneak around behind his wife’s back. Michael Wollf indicated during an interview yesterday that Trumplestillskin is currently having an affair while in the White House. 

The republicans are doing their best to try to take down the Mueller investigation. Devin “This is your brain on drinking Tulare water” Nunes is leading the pack of morons. They are all calling for a release of a secret memo that they believe will bring down Mueller. I wish these morons were half as concerned about Russia as they are with tax breaks for millionaires. 

My concern for nearly a year is one thing: Souvlaki.

Day 363

(Two days left.) Least racist person you’ll ever interview and most racist person I know, President Fatboy Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius cannot catch a break when it comes to the Stormy Daniels controversy. For those who don’t know, Stormy is an “actress” who performs without a net… or anything else. She had an “encounter” with Trumplestillskin in 2006 and she was paid $130,000 in 2016 to be as quiet as a church mouse. Why is this a big deal? Well, he was married, but if Trumpenstein cheating on his wife is news to you, then you need to reset your hard drive. Does this type of action make him more available for blackmail? Yes. That should concern everyone. 

There is also some missing money from Trumpenstein’s inauguration. He said he would send the left-over money to charities… those charities haven’t gotten any money… yet… a year later. Obama’s inauguration cost $55 million. Bush’s was around $45 million. Trumplestillskin raised $107 million. Some of the money was used to decorate the White House and Mike Pence’s house… Are those charities? No doubt the money is gone, just like all Trumpenstein’s other charitable contributions. 

I’m going to make a charitable contribution to my stomach today… one souvlaki.

Day 365

One whole year… for an entire year I have been posting the same video each day with a little news recap. It started as a threat, “If Trump gets elected I’m posting this video daily.” (It has kind of gotten out of control.) I was pretty sure it would only last a month, but it hasn’t. There are two changes today: 

1. This is my final post. (It’s time for me to take up the violin.)

2. This post is public. (So, all of you who have unfriended me, and those who I have unfriended, can see that I am still at it.)

Okay, let’s cry “Havoc!” and let slip the dogs of war. 

The government has been closed for business for a day and most of that day was taken up by republicans trying to brand the shut down as the Schumer-Shut-Down and the democrats calling it the Trump-Shut-Down. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Baron Fatboy Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius Von Deal-Maker did make it into his office to take a couple photos wearing a white MAGA hat and holding a phone like he was modeling for a mahogany desk in a 1970’s Sears Catalog. “This desk is great for calling world leaders, eating hamburgers, pushing big red buttons not connected to anything, and shuffling papers you haven’t read.” El Presidente Loco didn’t call any legislators, so I’m not sure who he had on the other end. “Ah…is McDonalds open even though the government is closed? Oh… good. I’ll have two Big Macs and five large fries. I forgot, I’m on a diet. Sad. Make that four large fries.” 

VP Mike “Not Worth a Single” Pence was visiting the troops and making sure everyone knew he was doing everything he could to get into every photo op possible. I guess someone should tell him that he could be working on a solution in WA DC. I wouldn’t stick around too long if I was him because it sounds like the troops will not get the NFL playoffs broadcast overseas because of the shutdown. Pence is used to sticking around until the National Anthem is played and then running like Red Grange for the nearest armored car anyway, so he’s ready. 

Trumplestillskin has been tweeting that the democrats are hurting the troops. Senator Tammy Duckworth (IL) gave “Cadet Bone Spurs” a good dose of reality when she took to the podium and called him a five-time deferment draft dodger. Ouch, those are fighting words… Trump is getting a doctor’s note so he doesn’t have to fight Duckworth. His perfect body only has flaws when the draft board and Stormy Daniels are around. 

There is a tiny Nazi march in Tennessee today. I placed a jar in Tennessee and it made all the slovenly Nazis look like they were inside. (Weird huh? This one is for the two Wallace Stevens fans out there.) 

I’m going to close with hope. It’s been a long year for those of us who value people over money and believe that our nation is more than birthplace for lucky people. Yesterday, women (and men) all over our nation marched. They marched peacefully and they marched proudly to resist the MAGA mind fart poisoning our air. The resistance continues and when all voices are heard, when all lives are valued, when America lives up to its identity, we will Make America Great. And you know what goes best with American Greatness? Souvlaki!

Day 373

Tonight, Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Trumplestillskin will be giving his State of the Umion address. (The invites had Union misspelled. Is there anyone in the White House with a functioning brain?) There will be no new policy…because Make America Great Again is its own policy…but there will be an infrastructure plan rolled out. Here’s the plan: 

1. Do you know and like Trumplestillskin?

If you do move to question number two. If not, go home and get ready for your door to get kicked in by ICE. 

2. Have you built things for Trumplestillskin before? 

If yes, then you are hired. If no, go home and get ready for ICE to kick in your door. 

3. Everything that is built will have Trump’s name on it. Highway Trump, The Trump Train station, Trump airport, Trump pothole project, Trump water treatment plant, Trump Sewage System. 

The great negotiator probably won’t mention that he allowed Russian sanctions to lapse. Yep, the House and Senate both voted overwhelmingly to continue sanctions. (Only five legislators voted against it, there hasn’t been that much bipartisanship since we voted to make Vanilla ice cream the official ice cream of Vermont.) I’m sure the relaxing of sanctions has nothing to do with compromising information Russia has on the Orangutan and Chief. 

While we are waiting for his speech, Trumpenstein will be spending his morning wandering the White House shirtless, wearing only his size 48 tighty-whities looking for Devin “Brain on Tulare Water” Nunes’ Memo. He needs to review the memo and decide whether to declassify it. If he doesn’t declassify it in five days it will be come declassified. So… who thinks he will read the memo. The dude barely reads his speeches. Watch him tonight. There will be several times when the words he is reading will surprise him. He’ll do that head shake and purse his lips like, “Hey, I like that idea.” 

The memo is just the next step in making sure when Trumplestillskin fires Mueller that Faux Newz will have enough white noise to cover it all up. If you don’t think that’s where we are heading, then check out the resignation of Andrew McCabe…up next Rod Rosenstein (Trumplestillskin appointee) and then Mueller. Yep, banana republic here we come. You know what goes with bananas? Souvlaki! 

Day 377

(Weekend Update #1): It’s been a busy week in Trumplesvania. Here are the main events: 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius Von Deal-Maker gave the State of the Umion speech. Although it was packed full of lies and half-truths, no one yelled, “You lie” during the speech. It’s good that El Presidente Loco had a chance to take a victory lap because this time next year he’ll be cooling his heels in Trump tower Moscow with his BFF Vlad, or he’ll be in a vegetative state getting his cheeseburgers through a tube. 

Things at home with Mrs. Trumplestillskin have hit a rocky patch. Melania went to the Umion speech in a different car and arrived at Mar-a-lago last night, stepped off Air Force One and made a bee-line for the motorcade without acknowledging her soon to be ex-husband. 

Possible Melania replacement, Hope Hicks “Sinks Ships”, is now in the center of the Mueller investigation. According to an Ex-Trump lawyer, Hicks helped Don Sr. and Don Jr. put together the Don Jr. memo about the Russian meeting about “adoption.” Hicks is the type of lady who doesn’t look good in orange, so expect her to pull a Flynn and roll over on Team Trump. 

Speaking of rolling over, Rick “Rusty” Gates’s lawyers all quit on him last week. (Gates is Manafort’s buddy who has been charged with a bunch of money laundering and stuff.) Some are speculating that this means that he is now helping Mueller. Gates hung around during the transition period and probably can corroborate Flynn’s testimony. 

Devin “This is your brain on water from Tulare” Nunes put out a memo that was supposed to bring the Mueller investigation to an end. Nunes has been covering for Trumpenstein for over a year. He isn’t very good at it either. This memo was supposed to be a very big deal, but it ended up making Nunes look like a moron. Faux Newz has still been ginning it up, hoping that their viewers can’t read on their own. Here are the highlights of the memo: 

1. Hilliary’s emails!!!

2. Benghazi!!!

3. Y2K!!!

4. Tinfoil prices are being driven up by democrats in order to keep republicans from their favorite hats. 

5. There was a man on a grassy knoll who gave the pee pee tape to Carter Page.

Wall Street went tumbling down a bit: 666 points, which is either the mark of the Devil, or a coincidence. Either way, I’m going to stock up on souvlaki just in case.

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