Day: January 2, 2021

Day 319

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein is still in charge. In charge of what? In charge of the republican party that just stole public lands so his buddies can extract whatever is of value to them, in charge of the party that is now sending money to Roy “Mall Rat” Moore, in charge of the party that is going to cut children’s healthcare, so their donors get a tax break, and in charge of the most corrupt government in history. (I was going to add US government, but I’m not sure if they aren’t the most corrupt in the history of the world.)

Iowa Republican Senator Chuck “I Don’t Smoke” Grassley said that giving a tax break to the middle class will only encourage people to spend money on booze and women. He then clarified to say the taxes shouldn’t punish “frugality, savings and investment.” He’s talking about the estate tax. The tax that applies to the top one percent. I guess the rest of us need to figure out that all the money we spend on booze and women is keeping us from having a six-million-dollar estate. Too late for me. I have two women in my family. I suppose I should have cut them loose years ago so I could pass on all my money to my son. 

Paul “World’s Worst Advisor” Manafort is probably headed back to jail. Part of his bail deal was to not make public comments… so he decided to work with a Russian spy to write an editorial… an editorial that defended Manafort’s work in the Ukraine. What was his pen name? Paule Shore? Paula Poundstone? Paul “The Sledge” DePledge? Remember when Trumplestillskin said he would hire the best people? Yeah, the best… 

Santa Mueller I’ll buy you a lifetime of souvlaki if you end this now.

Day 320

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein probably wet his pants yesterday when the news that Santa Mueller has subpoenaed Deutsche Bank records related to Trumplestilskin’s businesses. This is one of the things Donnie tiny fingers told the NYTimes that would be outside of Mueller’s scope of investigation and would be a fireable offense. I think Santa Mueller has all his ducks in a row and is daring the man with a face like an orangutan to fire him. 19 days until Christmas… just bring me the indictments and I’ll be a good boy all year. 

Just in case you thought we were starting enough wars, Trumpenstein declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel. This should make a few people happy, and a whole bunch of people mad. You know what the Middle East needs? More reasons to be mad. 

Lord Dampnut’s favorite nation, Russia, has been banned from the Olympics for cheating. Putin says they didn’t cheat. He also said they didn’t interfere in our election. I’m starting to think that Putin lies. 

Senator Jeff “Not a Snow” Flake wrote a check for Doug Jones yesterday. Doug Jones is the nameless opponent of Roy “The Mall Mauler” Moore. While this is a good effort to say, “We shouldn’t elect people who spend their free time picking up 14-year-olds in the mall” it is also a little disappointing to me. Why isn’t Flake doing something real that is within his power, like voting against the tax bill that is going to hurt the middle class and poor? Sure, you can oppose somebody who is obviously a creep, but you can’t stand up when it counts? 

If there is one thing I’ll always stand up for, it is a second souvlaki.

Day 321

In the growing list of men who can’t keep their hands to themselves add Republican Rep. Blake “Even Waistlines are Bigger in Texas” Farenthold, Arizona’s ex-Rep. Trent “Dick Tracy Bad Guy Face” Franks, and ex-Senator Al “Sloppy Tongue” Franken. Franken called for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein to step down since there is more evidence that El Loco Presidente has a history of sexual harassment than Franken. All these clowns need to be taken out and made to do the Game of Thrones walk of shame from the White House to the Washington Monument. 

Paul “I Made Them An Offer They Refused” Manafort says that his ghost written editorial wasn’t a violation of his bail agreement. I like that he still thinks he can do what he wants. Isn’t that cute? “Don’t you know who I am? I’m the guy who got the President elected? I can do what I want! Wait, you can’t put me in cuffs. Wait, you can’t put me in a cell. Wait, I’ll tell you everything.” 

The beautiful new tax bill is turning into something. Right now, it looks like dark money donated to campaigns can be written off. Yep, if there wasn’t enough corruption built into the system, now you can donate money without declaring it publicly and still write it off on your taxes. This is good for me because I donated $5,000,0000 in dark money to the elect the Souvlaki Hut campaign last year. I’ll see you in court Mr. IRS. (Lawyer fees are tax deductible, aren’t they?)

A group of law professors has released a 34-page document with instructions about how to pay lower taxes using the new tax bill. Remember how the goal for the Orangutan in Chief was to simplify the tax system and tax wealthy people more. (Yeah, that was what he ran on… and people were stupid enough to believe him. Idiots!) Now, people can incorporate themselves, split their income into pass through partnerships and LLCs and pay the new lower corporate tax rate. (I have no idea what any of that means, but I read it three times before typing it out.) So, I’d like to introduce you to my new corporations: The Jon Eekhoff Human Project LLC DDS MRE PDQ, The Tall Man Fund LLC ABC, The Jon Eekhoff Souvlaki Hut Fund For Vacations in Europe LLC LMNOP, and the Bank of Jon Eekhoff LLC. I’ll see you suckers later. I’ve got a yacht to buy.

Day 323

Rumor has it that President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein has lost his Twitter privileges. Take a peek at his twitter account for the past three days and you’ll notice a marked difference from his tweets from day 1-319. Some folks are saying it is probably because his tweet where he claimed to fire Flynn because he lied to the FBI could put him in some legal jeopardy. I doubt Santa Mueller is going to need any tweet evidence after he looks through Trumplestillskin’s Deutsche Bank loans. Some call it high risk loans, others call it money laundering and Russian influence.

Trumpenstein has been railing about the fake media this weekend while he campaigns for fellow sexual harasser, Roy “Mall Rat” Moore. Lots of people are saying the Moore will probably win, which just goes to show you who the party of family values really is. Hypocrites isn’t a strong enough word. 

The weekends have been for Mueller Time lately. I’m hoping he has been up burning the midnight oil and connecting the pieces so that he can bring us what we all want: a jump-suited orange man with tiny hands. I’ll take mine with a side of souvlaki.

Day 324

Faux Newz is spending all its time calling for Santa Mueller to step down. This is how a propaganda machine works. The government wants something reported, it gets reported. The mega-phone of Faux Newz has been blasting lies into retirement homes, and angry white dudes’s ears for at least a decade. When you wonder how we are where we are, look at that stupid channel. 

At the same time, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein is saying that news in the US is a “stain on America.” What country am I living in? This sounds more like 1980s USSR than USA 2017. Now, I’ll give Trumplestillskin this, he knows about stains… stains left by Russian prostitutes, stains left by missed bites of KFC on his long red ties, permanent stains on democracy left by devaluing the many honest people who work in government, and the stain that he is trying to leave on an already pretty stained state of Alabama, but the stain he is leaving is going to get sent to the cleaners soon. (Come On SANTA!) 

Roy “The Montgomery Maller” Moore has been keeping a low profile the past few days as the election to fill Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions vacated seat is Tuesday. Will the state of Alabama hold its nose and vote for the Mall-Rat with a background in getting himself kicked out of office? Or, will they finally decided they’ve seen enough and vote for a democrat? Those folks in Alabama may not even know there is an election. They’re more focused on the football playoff where the state can brag about being number one in something other than poverty, low test scores, incarceration rate, and people named Colonel. 

While all this is going on, the little elves in the house and senate are working away on how to cut taxes for the rich and make sure the poor get what is coming to them: a lump of coal to go with that promised coal job. 

Santa Mueller’s elves are working away too. The only lump of coal they have will be delivered to the White House. The sugar plums dancing in my head are accompanied by a jingle that goes, “Lock him up. Lock him up.” It’s a catchy tune, almost as addictive as souvlaki.

Day 325

Today is the day that Alabama gets to decide if they will go from a stain on America to a stain on all humankind. Roy “The Mauling Mall Rat” Moore could be a senator by the end of the day, or the people of Alabama could vote in someone with a functioning brain. Moore’s final election speech and rally was something else. Kinda like something a deranged, paranoid, moron would put together… very much like the press conferences Saddam Hussain had right before we invaded. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein’s accusers are back in the news. Sarah “Grown Up Wednesday Addams” Huckabee-Sanders said that the voters have already spoken… okay, do we now use elections to decide on illegal actions? That’s an odd way to decide whether President Pu**y Grabber is innocent or not. I suppose all the Nazis could have used that defense during the Nuremberg Trials. “The German people have spoken.” 

“Oh, in that case. Head back home. Sorry we took your time, Mr. Goebblels.” (I know he committed suicide, and this is historically inaccurate, but as one of the prime providers of Fake News I must continue to hone my craft.)

El Loco Presidente does have the lowest approval rating of any president. That’s pretty bad. His supporters (aka White Nationalists who drink leaded water) are sticking with him until they lose their coal jobs. 

What many families are going to lose is CHIP. Child healthcare is only a concern when the babies are in the womb for republicans. After kids are born, then who cares about them, they can fend for themselves. 

Santa Mueller, I know you want to keep us on our toes with anticipation, but please bring me a souvlaki and an orange man in an orange suit. I’ve been a reasonably good boy this year. (Take my word for it and don’t talk to too many people.)

Day 326

I don’t know about you, but I spent last night watching the Alabama election results. I watched Roy “The Mall Mauler” Moore ride a horse like a three year old with epilepsy to the polls, I watched the polls close, I watched Moore’s lead build, and then I gave up on Alabama. I read for a little bit, turned on the tv and watched as the people of Alabama did the unthinkable… they elected a democrat to the senate. Roy “There Ain’t No Commandment Against That” Moore hasn’t conceded yet because his entire existence is built on denying facts. I feel the worst for that poor horse, is he going to ride it into the sunset? His cowboy outfit might look good in a mall, but that cowboy is all hat… and little gun… and confused horse. 

The only animal more confused than the horse is Steve “My Face Fought the Road and the Road Won” Bannon. Bannon put all his weight and influence behind Moore and was sure he was going to get all the white nationalists to vote for Moore. Tuesday night must be confederate flag knitting night in Alabama, because the African-American vote really turned out. 

The Alabama election will put the Christmas rush on the tax bill. They won’t seat Doug Jones until after the new year. Can’t wait to see how they “fix” the bill so it can get the votes needed to get it to the Oval Office. Here comes the pork for the votes on the fence.

Trump tweeted out a congratulations to Doug Jones and said he knew Moore wouldn’t win. Yep, that guy is still president. He’s a fortune teller who is always wrong, but never admits it.

The other tweet that people are already forgetting about is the one that he put together attacking Kristen Gillibrand. Gillibrand has called for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein to step down since he has 19 women accusing him of sexual misconduct. Trumplestillskin did what he does when women get uppity, he personally attacked her by tweeting that she was a lightweight and “would do anything” for a campaign contribution. You don’t have to do much close reading to figure out what our presidential troll is saying. Can someone please check Trumpenstien’s oil? I think this job is killing him… and when I say job I mean watching hours of Faux Newz and drinking twelve Diet Cokes a day. 

Santa Mueller, are you loading up your sleigh full of Christmas indictments? I can’t wait. Don’t forget to bring me a souvlaki and some miniature handcuffs for my orange friend.

Day 327

Want to see how crazy the Trumplestillskin administration has been? Exhibit A: A few days ago, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein tweeted that a US senator was willing to have sex with him for money. Yeah, that happened… and now… on with the greatest show/train-wreck on Earth. 

Net Neutrality will be decided today. Studies have shown that millions of comments on the net neutrality website have come from bots in support of killing equal access to the web. I’m pretty sure the businesses who will benefit from the end of net neutrality had nothing to do with it. Wink-wink. SKYNET NOW! 

My little cowboy friend, Roy “The Montgomery Mall Mauler” Moore is not conceding defeat to Doug “Vanilla Milkshake” Jones in Alabama. Moore is praying to God that the extra votes show up in the mail. God is like, “Thanks for running for office and outing yourself as a creep.” Roy Moore’s horse has been sent off to the horse whisperer for therapy. I think that horse deserves some extra oats because the people of Alabama probably watched Moore riding it and said, “That guy isn’t a cowboy. He’s a fake. I’ll vote for Nick Saben instead. Roll Tide.” 

Don-Fredo had a nine-hour grilling in front of the Senate investigators. If you include the house investigation, seven hours, that makes two full days of work for poor Don-Fredo. For a Trump, two full days of work mean he gets a month off and five rounds of golf on the American Taxpayer. I sure hope Don-Fredo used that great defense of “lawyer client” privilege. 

Omarosa has finally gotten her walking papers. She went out like the reality star that she is. Reports are that she had to be dragged out of the White House. She is already appearing on morning shows promising to tell all the behind-the-scenes dirt on the Trumpenstein administration. I hope publishing houses and Barbara Walters don’t fall all over themselves to get her story because her story isn’t worth paying for. 

What is worth paying for is a hot souvlaki on a cold day.

Day 328

The House will be questioning the head of Cambridge Analytica today. What did Cambridge Analytica do? They are the group who contacted Wikileaks for the Trumplestillskin Administration to get Hillary’s “missing” emails. They are the glue connecting Russia, Wikileaks, and Trumpenstein. So the House seems to be getting closer to where the Russian rubber met the road. The real news is that Santa Mueller has already paved this road… he’s had the information since early Fall. 

Omarosa is out! Out of what is the real question. She was pulling down $180,000 salary to do what? I’m not sure, but the best part of her leaving is that Robin Roberts dismissed her with a “Bye Felicia” after saying that Omarosa probably did have a story to SELL. Ouch! Omarosa is that kid that shows up to birthday parties uninvited. She will survive like the obligate parasite that she is. 

While you were watching the train wreck, someone is stealing your stuff… like your labor rights. An Obama era law made companies responsible for actions of contractors and franchises… that just got revoked on a 3-2 vote by the National Labor Relations Board. This is the kind of stupid stuff that will be hard to repair long after all the Trumpenstein minions are in jail. 

Paul “Ayn Rand Love Child” Ryan says he’s considering not running for office again. Why would he? After he empties the coffers and turns the government over to his donors, he won’t have any more tax breaks to pass out… which is his one life goal. He’ll probably become a lobbyist and get paid five times as much to screw the middle and lower class. 

Will the tax bill pass? Senators are lining up to get their piece of pie. Little Marco Rubio has announced he won’t support the bill, so he’ll be the first one to get a bigger slice. Everyone else will soon say they have reservations about signing the bill, which should cause them to get a big piece too. You know who won’t be getting a big piece? The rest of us. 

I’ll survive on souvlaki and the hope that Santa Mueller is wrapping my present for the holidays.

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