Day: January 2, 2021

Day 309

Time Magazine and President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein are having a disagreement about Time’s Person of the Year. Trumplestillskin says they asked him to be that person and to have a photo shoot and interview. Time is saying that isn’t how it works. At this point, does it matter? To put it plainly, if you are the President of the United States of America and you still need someone to pat you on the back and say, “You’re awesome.” You have a problem. You need to seek counseling. You should understand that being POTUS is about as important as it gets. Ratings don’t matter, popularity doesn’t matter…getting things done for people matter. This is how shallow our Liar in Chief is. Next thing you know he’s going to insisting that he’s on the cover of Teen Beat too. 

What is Trumplestillskin doing this weekend? Golfing… as usual. He is also trying to dismantle the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and get the FCC to kill net neutrality, so the little guy has that to look forward to. Oh, and the big tax break that all the super rich are going to get too. 

Our only hope for a sane end to this nonsense is Santa Mueller. He has been sharpening his knives for a long time, when are we going to see some KUSH carved up? Rumor has it that Flynn’s yammering is going to leave THE KUSH and Don-Fredo out in the wind. 

So, here’s your nothing burger for the day. Manafort, Popandopolous, and Flynn are all pretty much toast. So, SANTA MUELLER MUST HAVE BIGGER FISH on the line. DO IT! DO IT NOW! 

I’ll be tuning in with my souvlaki in one hand and the remote in the other.

Day 310

All the morning news programs are speculating that Santa Mueller is circling above Team Trumpenstein. THE KUSH is already building an underground bunker under an underground bunker under the sands of Saudi Arabia. Don-Fredo is going to hide in his trophy room as the head of a wild pig. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Von Trumplestillskin is going to hide in a Russian nesting doll disguised as an orangutan. 

I’m going to stock up on souvlaki and DVR Faux News so I can laugh all the way to the end.

Day 311

Trumplestillskin’s claim that Time wanted to have him as the Time Man of the Year is still out there. He is saying he turned them down because he didn’t want to have the photo shoot and interview. Time said that isn’t how things work. Why should anyone care? Well, the president shouldn’t be a liar. What the president says matters… and before you MAGA folks say, “Obama said I could keep my doctor” see if you can remember another lie that he said just for the hell of it. Trumpenstein has normalized lying as president. I think all of us expect a lie or two during a presidency, but if everything is a lie, that’s a different thing. 

Al Franken has apologized again, and again. Roy Moore is still saying that what is between a 30-year-old man and a 14-year-old girl who went to the mall to get a pair of earrings is their business. All those Evangelicals are really getting their noses rubbed in the mud this year. Supported a clown like Trumpenstein, now supporting Roy Moore. Who’s next? Can it get worse? I hear Satan might be getting together a campaign for the 2020 elections.

The future looks bleak, unless you are looking through a pair of souvlaki-colored glasses.

Day 312

General Disregard-for-the-Law Flynn’s lawyers have been meeting with Mueller’s team. I hope they are finalizing a deal that will send team Trumplestillskin from the White House to the jail house. Lock them up! Lock them up! Lock them up! (At least THE KUSH and Don-Fredo.) Santa Mueller, please bring me the end of the Trumpenstein administration. 

I am a little concerned that the Trumpie Zombies won’t accept what Mueller finds. The amount of time that EL Loco Presidente has spent sowing the seeds of distrust about the justice department, the FBI, the media, and everyone who isn’t Russian is a sign that he knows it is only a matter of time before he is called to testify. Will completely irrational people be able to see the facts? I guess we’ll see. 

In an attempt to top all other idiotic public statements, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein was honoring the Navaho Wind Talkers at the White House and decided it was the perfect time to call Senator Warren Pocahontas. What is wrong with this guy? Really? While meeting with a group of men who helped the US win WWII, you take the opportunity to take a swing at a political opponent? And you’re too dumb to understand that the name you’re calling Warren is racist? There is no way to explain this one away. I looked at the twitter reactions and all of the Trump Bots thought it was hilarious. This goes back to the idea that Trump isn’t his supporters’ president, he is their head troll. They don’t care if the US burns, they just want revenge. The power they want is the power to outrage the world. Who cares about anything else? 

The only power I want is the power to make a souvlaki magically appear during lunch.

Day 313

Remember when President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein said that he was going to take care of North Korea? Yeah, that was last February. Since then, he has continued to talk tough, to make threats, and to say that he has it all taken care of… Yesterday, North Korea fired off a rocket that can reach pretty much all of the US. What did our third-grade president do? The same thing he has always done, pull something out of his nether regions that means nothing. If you want to find a nothing burger, look between Trumplestillskin’s ears. I hope all of you voters who thought a tough talking businessman would work better than someone who actually knew diplomacy are happy. 

The tax bill is getting shoved right where the sun doesn’t shine, but who cares, at this rate we will all be covered in radioactive dirt in about two weeks. 

Behind the scenes, El Presidente Loco is claiming that the Access Hollywood tape is faked, that Obama was born in Kenya, and that his hands are normal sized. This can’t go on much longer can it? Santa Mueller I don’t care if you don’t have all the evidence collected. Start charging people now! Before our third-grade leader decides the only way out of jail is through a war. 

I’m storing souvlaki under my house just in case.

Day 314

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein did what he does yesterday. He tweeted something stupid. This time it was videos that he claimed were evidence of how Europe was a mess of Islamic terrorism run wild. Unfortunately, for El Loco none of the videos attached to the tweet were accurate. He got the videos from the British equivalent to the KKK. Nice work Mr. Fake news. Then, Sarah “Wednesday Addams” Huckabee Sanders went on to say it didn’t matter because it was true that Muslims want to hurt people. This is the type of argument we are getting from the White House podium these days? Talk about fake news. 

Speaking of fake. Apparently half of the comments supporting getting rid of net neutrality are from bots. Let’s just get this over and just plug in to the Matrix. 

THE KUSH is meeting with Mueller. Does this mean that Santa Mueller is putting forth the Flynn evidence and saying to THE KUSH, “You have a choice. Go to jail forever, or roll over on the fat orange guy with the long ties”? Oh, Santa Mueller stop teasing me. 

I hope THE KUSH was watching the Bosnian Croat General at his trial. Yikes! If you missed it. The general busted out a vial of poison and downed it like he was Vlad Putin knocking back vodka on election night. The general died at the hospital later. I’m not suggesting that THE KUSH take a similar route, but he might consider how he could get one of those vials in the tiny hands of you know who. 

The only thing I’m going to sneak into my hands is a souvlaki.

Day 315

It has begun…Santa Mueller dropped off his first Christmas gift this morning. General “Disregard for the Law” Flynn has copped a plea to being a liar and is working with Mueller to nail some of team Trumplestillskin. 

The speculation is that THE KUSH is the next one to get named. He is thought to be the one who told Flynn to contact the Russians. He was called in to see Santa a few days ago, probably after Mueller had the Flynn deal, and I’d bet THE KUSH told Santa some lies. The kind of lies that get people like THE KUSH put in jail. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein must be sweating in his adult diapers today. It won’t be long until THE KUSH is given a deal to roll over on El Loco Presidente. Now, is THE KUSH self-centered enough to turn over the orange one? Will he go to jail for forty years to save his idiot father-in-law? Oh, man this nothing burger is delicious. 

We all could still be killed by North Korea tomorrow. Trumpenstien could fire Mueller. A meteor could strike the Earth and kill us all, but right now, I’m loving where this is heading. I wonder what’s on Faux Newz right now. Probably something about the flag and the NFL. 

I’m going to enjoy my souvlaki and wait for the next shoe to drop. Anyone think Monday is too soon?

Day 316

The Senate stayed up late to pass their screw the middle class tax bill. This bill will add to the deficit and give tax breaks to their biggest donors. Everyone else will end up paying more in tax and government programs will get cut so President Agent Orange can pass on more of his Russian money to his family. 

In Hawaii, they are testing early warning sirens for the upcoming nuclear attack by North Korea. I don’t know about you, but if North Korea is going to fire off a rocket I think it should be aimed at Washington DC or Mar-a-Lago. Blowing up Trump’s house would be a boss way to go out. Think about it, Un. 

Winning the internet and twitter this week is James “The Giant” Comey. His tweet after Flynn’s plea was “Let justice roll down like water.” Nice. Quoting scripture is one way to troll Trumpenstien supporters, but it probably went right by El Loco Presidente because his favorite verse is still from “Two Corinthians.” 

THE KUSH is probably binge-watching Cool Hand Luke, The Wire, The Green Mile, and Shawshank Redemption. My suggestion would be watching All The President’s Men and seeing if there is a parking garage where he can meet Santa Mueller. The choice between rolling over on a 72-year-old crazy man or spending the rest of your life in prison shouldn’t be that hard to figure out, but this is a guy who thought colluding with the Russians was a good idea. 

White House lawyer Ty “I Wish My Parents Called Me Cornonthe” Cobb is saying that Flynn is Obama’s fault. Yeah, the guy who fired Flynn is responsible. 

My least favorite Congressman Trey “Draco Malfoy” Gowdy used $150,000 of tax-payer money to settle a wrongful dismissal lawsuit. Can we lock him in the same jail cell as THE KUSH and Trumplestillskin? It’s a winning formula for reality television. We’ll call it Two and a half Morons. 

I’m going to eat two and a half souvlakis today to celebrate.

Day 317

HR “PuffinStuff” McMaster says we are closer to nuclear war with North Korea every day. And what is El Presidente Loco doing? Tweeting about firing Flynn and then having his lawyer say that he, the lawyer, wrote the tweet because the tweet shows that President Agent Orange is obstructing justice. Let that lie sink in… before you consider the likelihood of war. 

The senate has passed their train wreck of handouts to their donors. Nice that rich folks will get to take home more money and the rest of us will pick up the tab. I think it’s only fair that the people who do nothing for a living get to have an extra month of vacation from doing nothing. Patriots pay taxes, traitors avoid taxes. I guess that puts Trumplestillskin squarely in the traitor category in my book. HOW DID WE GET A TAX BILL DONE WITHOUT THE PRESIDENT RELEASING HIS TAXES? 

A sex offender is still ahead in the polls in Alabama. We have a traitor in office and no one on the right will do anything about it. It sure feels like this is a low point in American democracy. 

I’m going to drown my sorrows in souvlaki.

Day 318

Billy “Shouldn’t Adults be Called Bill” Bush has been located and is making appearances again. He has also written an editorial saying that President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein did say those vile things on the Access Hollywood bus. I’m sure Trumplepie will have another excuse why this is fake news. 

Or he may not need any fake news to bail him out. It looks like he’s decided that saber rattling with North Korea will get him out of the hot waters of justice. The US has shipped a bunch of stealth bombers and fighters over there and are playing war games with 230 Air Force jets. I’m not sure where Kim Jong Un is going to fire off his rockets, but let’s hope that somebody remembers that this isn’t a board game we’re playing here. 

If you thought that Mitch “Turtleneck Is Still Covered by Trumpcare” McConnell had a soul, take a look at how he is walking back his criticism of Roy “The Montgomery Maller” Moore. Now, McConnell is saying, “Let the people of Alabama decide if they want to elect a pretend cowboy who thinks it’s okay to molest young girls.” 71% of the republicans in the state think the charges are fake news. That tells you everything you need to know about Alabama. If Alabama votes Moore in, I vote that we jump ship and form the Cascadian Nation, or ask to join Canada. I’ll help pay for a wall from Portland to Vancouver BC. 

Trumplestillskin’s lawyer, John Dowd, is claiming to have written the tweet that shows Trumplestillskin obstructed justice. This Dowd guy is like the Forrest Gump of lawyers: Iran Contra, Pete Rose, John McCain (Keating Five). One would think that someone with his varied experience would know that pleaded is past tense of plead…and not what Trump tweeted which was pled. I’m sure Dowd has a good reason to jump on the sword…like he knows he won’t get paid if Trumpenstein ends up in prison. 

El Loco Presidente is going to shrink federal lands in Utah because he says it was a land grab (something he is kinda familiar with) by the federal government. This is the type of action that feeds into the lunatic fringe of the republican party. The type of guys who take over a chunk of Oregon to prove they have guns and IQs below 70. 

It doesn’t take someone with a lot of brain power to know that a souvlaki a day keeps the doctor away.

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