Day: January 2, 2021

Day 299

North Korea has had enough of President Agent Orange Julius Caesar. They have officially sentenced him to death for insulting Kim “Short Fat” Jong Un. Trumplestillskin is taking it in stride, he said, “I’ve had three wives try to kill me. I’m not afraid.” 

Steve “My face fought the road and the road won” Bannon is having second thoughts about supporting Roy “Mall Rat” Moore. I guess supporting the Montgomery Molester has backfired. The biggest problem with a write-in candidate in Alabama is that no one can spell there. The GOP is looking for a candidate named “Roll Tide” because they are pretty sure most people can spell that. 

Tiny racist gnome Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions was testifying in front of the House investigation yesterday. He claims he never lied, but did say some things that were not true. His answers were a mix of “I don’t recall” and “I’m going to use a nonexistent defense called I’m not answering that question because it might incriminate me.” Mueller has contacted the Barbie designers and they are making a Ken-sized orange outfit for Sessions. 

Trumplestein tweeted out another condolence tweet for the most recent mass shooting, but he copied and pasted the one from San Antonio …and forgot to change the name of the new location. Yep, that’s how sorry he was about the shooting, he couldn’t even spend the time to create a new tweet. Maybe he should just pin a tweet to his profile that says, “Really, really sorry about your town getting shot up by an AR-15. Sad.” 

Tomorrow is 300 days. 300 days of crazy. 300 days of souvlaki.

Day 300

To celebrate surviving three hundred days I will report nothing about Trumplestillskin. Let’s pretend he is already in prison. 

Steve “Grandma Glasses” Mnuchin went to the treasury yesterday to see the first bills roll off the printing press with his name on them. His wife (why she was there is a good question) went along dressed as a cross between Kylo Ren and Cruella Deville. Little Stevie went dressed as a dork with lots of money. The pictures of the duo holding up the sheets of money are worth their weight in sheets of money. I can’t wait for this divorce, she is going to take him to the cleaners. “I have become accustom to riding on US Government private jets to see eclipses and honeymooning on the tax-payer’s dime.” Draining the swamp. 

Cards Against Humanity has purchased a little border land to mess with the wall. I think they should build a big door on their land and put a neon sign that says, “This way to the US.” 

THE KUSH has been hiding somewhere in the world, a kind of Where’s Waldo mixed with Carmen San Diego mixed with Eric Stratton. Reports are that he’s been spending lots of time in Saudi Arabia. Hmmm… isn’t that where the crowned Prince is arresting people and starting a little war with Iran? Yep. Probably just a coincidence, because THE KUSH was going to solve Middle East peace as I recall. 

Roy Moore “And More Women are Reporting I’m a Creep” is shedding supporters like a Husky sheds fur in July. A couple more women appeared yesterday to say the the Montgomery Mall/Mauler Rat tried to grab them too. It’s time for Roy to take his cowboy hat and head back to being a joke of a judge. 

Shepherd Smith took his fellow Faux Newz reporters to task yesterday. The reports of Uranium One have been rampant on Faux and Mr. Smith went to town on the false accusations. Shep’s reward was a whole bunch of Faux Newz viewers going crazy on Twitter. Facts don’t matter in the world of Faux Newz. 

The only thing that matters at the Souvlaki Hut is that you bring a big boy appetite.

Day 301

200,000 gallons of oil are now soaking into the groundwater in South Dakota from a leak in the Keystone pipeline. I’m sure the EPA will get there and start fixing things … what’s that, there’s no EPA anymore. Yep, businesses always do what’s best so I’m sure the lack of oversight won’t hurt anyone. 

Speaking of things that you never thought would hurt anyone. Senator Al Franken is now calling for an investigation into himself. Ten years ago he thought it would be funny to take a picture of himself groping a woman while she slept while out on a USO tour. It wasn’t. He has apologized and admitted his act. I’m pretty sure this will be the focus of Faux Newz for the next two weeks. 

Santa Mueller has supenoed the Trumplestillskin campaign and seems to be closing in. Oh, I love to open my presents before Christmas. Please, Santa. Please put some handcuffs on a few Trumps. 

THE KUSH is in deep trouble. He had undisclosed email contacts with Wikileaks during 2016. This doesn’t look good for the boy who flew too close to the sun. I wonder how Santa Mueller is going to roll this out. I’m betting Mueller is trying to strategically work out the arrests verses pardons chess game right now. I say arrest the Orange dude first. Take away his hamburgers for a day and he’ll start talking. 

I know it might be considered torture, but maybe putting a souvlaki in front of him after not feeding him for two hours will get him to spill the beans.

Day 302

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein sent out some tweets about Senator Al Franken that were a bit hypocritical, but that’s nothing new. His inability to find his phone when it comes to Roy Moore “And More Accusers are Coming Forward” is hard to explain. Maybe his spell check has been disabled for republican tweets. 

I am now convinced that Eric “Formally Known as” Prince (Blackwater, Betsy DeVos’ brother) is possibly the most evil man on earth. His connection to Pizza Gate is damning and I’m certain that it won’t be long before Mueller is using him to make connections between Saudi Arabia, Russia, Niger, and money laundering. (The Podcast Reveal has a great bit of reporting on Pizza Gate and fake news. Eric Prince is one of the people who pushed this story and confirmed that the Clinton’s were using a pizza restaurant as a front for a child sex ring.) I think Prince should have been locked up way back when his mercenaries were murdering people in Iraq, but I can wait until he gets locked up for being at the center of all the Trumpenstein stupidity. 

The only thing at the center of my stupidity is souvlaki.

Day 304

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein might need to watch his step when it comes to LaVar Ball. If you don’t know who LaVar Ball is then let me give you two simple sentences to describe LaVar: He is the only person in the world who thinks more highly of himself than Trumplestillskin. He’s the father of some pretty good basketball players and he is a professional troll. Donnie is taking credit for getting LaVar’s son released from a Chinese jail. Donnie is now saying he should have left him there because LaVar didn’t thank him. Careful Mr. Trumpenstein. This guy is one person who wants attention more than you. 

Because Trumplestillskin is such a focused leader, he is now calling for Marshawn Lynch to be fired because he stood for the Mexican National Anthem and sat for the US anthem. Doesn’t the president have more important things to do? Like supporting a child predator for Alabama Senate? 

The only thing that has fallen further than Trump’s approval rating are his room rates at Trump Hotels… down 63%. At this rate, his tax reform fixes aren’t going to benefit his kids because he’ll be leaving them nothing. Maybe some jail time will clear his art of the deal business mind. 

Steve “Grandma Glasses” Mnuchin took some pictures with his wife and sheets of money. His response this weekend was precious, “I didn’t know the pictures would go public. And being compared to Bond Villains is a compliment.” This is the brilliant mind behind our economy? 

Donnie is reconsidering allowing elephant trophies into the US. Why he needs to reconsider this at all is a mystery to me. Is he waiting for Don-Fredo to get his elephant trunk trophy back from the cleaners? What type of garbage kills an elephant in the first place? (Trump garbage is the answer.)

One thing you’ll never find in my garbage is a half-eaten souvlaki.

Day 305

Well, President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein is going to get practice pardoning a turkey this week. This should be good for his future attempts at pardoning turkeys in his inner circle. Let’s hope the turkey he pardons doesn’t have charges of money laundering in New York…there ain’t no pardon for that. 

Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin is having Assad over for tea and crumpets to talk about maybe stopping the war in Syria. Assad better check his tea; the Kremlin has a history of serving an especially hot cup of plutonium grade green tea. I’d bet $50 that THE KUSH will be there, in the background, because it’s okay to put THE KUSH in a corner… just don’t do that to Baby. 

Whitefish Energy is stopping their work in Puerto Rico because they aren’t getting paid. Hmmm… this is standard Trumplestillskin business practice. Get a small contractor, and then don’t pay them. MAGA… by screwing the little guy. 

LaVar Ball is getting his airtime. This is going to be an epic battle of divas. I think Trumpenstein has met his match. LaVar has a very specific set of skills when it comes to self-promotion. If you can survive the trolls in sports radio, political skirmishes are nothing. It won’t be long until Trump is flipping tables. 

Santa Mueller, why so quiet? Please bring me a stuffed turkey for Thanksgiving. I’m willing to give up my souvlaki habit if you do.

Day 306

Net Neutrality is on the bidding blocks as the morons in the Trump administration try to turn the internet over to those poor corporations. I sure hope someone puts some money in the Salvation Army buckets for AT&T over the holidays. 

The military has discovered additional remains of one of the soldiers killed in Niger. The widow was not allowed to see her husband’s remains when they were returned, and now we know why. 

If that doesn’t make you sick, how about the endorsement of Roy “Mall Rat” Moore by Donnie? Our nation is draining the swamp by swimming to the bottom. Alabama, I’m talking to you. If you elect this clown, I’m putting you on notice. 

The 515-page tax plan is out and will be voted on in 10 days. I will give you the SparkNotes version: Rich folks get to keep their money, you don’t, the economy will crash after the debt spirals further out of control. The taxpayers will have to bail out the rich again. Happy times. 

I knew it was going to happen. LaVar Ball is getting under President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein’s skin. This morning Donnie’s tiny fingers were tweeting that “IT WAS ME” who got LaVar’s son released from China. Then Trumplestillskin went on to say that LaVar is a poor man’s Don King and an ungrateful fool. Wow! I don’t know where to start. Don King is a murderer and stole millions and millions of dollars from boxers…so is Trump saying that LaVar has a long way to go before he reaches Don King level, or is Trump saying that Don King is a full-time idiot? (He is a Trump friend and supporter, so who knows.) The racial overtones of the tweet should not be missed. LaVar is black. Don King is black. Therefore, in Trump’s mind they must be compared? I’m sure this is going to blow up like a Macy’s Day parade balloon. 

I’m hoping to see a Souvlaki Hut parade balloon this weekend.

Day 307

On this Thanksgiving Day, I’m going to list the things President Agent Orange is thankful for. 

1. The Electoral College

2. Inheriting lots of money

3. Having the best brain

4. Having the best body

5. A court system that protects sex offenders more than victims

6. Hawaiian Sunset spray tan tone

7. Hair club for men

8. Prenuptial agreements

9. A republican controlled congress and senate

10. Low information voters

11. Trickle-down economics

12. Faux Newz

13. Vlad Putin

14. Never releasing his taxes

15. Money laundering 

16. Long ties

17. Tiny hands so he can tweet more easily

18. Faux and Friendz

19. Adult diapers

20. Viagra

21. The Alt Right

22. Neo-Nazis

23. Evangelicals

24. Alabama sex offenders

25. Golfing more than any president in history and not getting called on it. 

Enjoy that turkey. You know an excellent choice for the day after Thanksgiving is a turkey souvlaki. Give it a shot.

Day 308

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein must be having a sweaty round of golf today. General Disregard for the Law Flynn might be talking with Mueller. That will be it for Trumpenstein. Flynn knows where the Russian bodies are buried and was at the center of the collusion. I suppose Flynn chanting, “Lock her up” has a little tinge of irony to it now. 

Net neutrality is in the crosshairs. If they revoke the consumer protections we’ll all be sorry. I might start charging for my daily Souvlaki Hut recap…that should net me about 10 cents a year.

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