Day: January 2, 2021

Day 290

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein III is in Japan being very careful not to bow. Yep, that’s his whole goal. No bowing! The USA doesn’t bow to anyone…except Russia, Vlad Putin, oil companies, billionaires, and the NRA. 

Trumplestillskin has announced that the latest mass shooting in Texas was because of mental illness. (27 people shot dead in a church, which a news agency called the “largest mass shooting at a church” as if there is a contest to have the largest in every location. Largest shooting at a McDonalds, largest shooting at school, largest shooting at a church, largest mall shooting, largest shooting at a daycare, largest shooting at Jimmy Johns, largest shooting at a movie theater, largest shooting at an Ivy League school, largest shooting at a Big 10 school, largest shooting in a Barnes and Noble. Yep, nothing wrong here…keep moving lemmings.) Anyway, blaming mental illness is an interesting course to take. Do other countries exist without mental illness? It’s about the access to guns…it’s not about mental illness. It’s about a bunch of paranoid morons needing assault rifles. If it were only about mental illness, then Trump would have shot someone by now…he threatened to do so. He’s the most mentally imbalanced person I can think of. Maybe his tiny hands can’t hold a big gun. 

For the record, Rand “Yep, My Dad Named Me After Psycho Author” Paul is using government healthcare to take care of his five broken ribs. Rand should spend the rest of his life in a china cabinet. Tackled and broke five ribs? Maybe hire somebody to mow your grass.

What is going on in Saudi Arabia? Rich guys are getting arrested. They are shooting down rockets. Sounds like we know where our next war will be. Which group of radical Islamists will we be supporting? Somebody put together a chart for me. 

Commerce Secretary Wilbur “The Missing Link” Ross is finding himself in the middle of the Russian scandal. He seems to be the guy with connections to all the missing parts of the collusion case. He is connected to the bank in Cyprus where Manafort laundered his money. He is connected to Putin’s son. He is connected to Trumplestillskin. He is probably connected to JFK and Ted Cruz’s dad. I think Ross and Sessions look a little too much like each other. Is it possible that they are the same person, but with different accents? Has anyone seen them in the same place at the same time? Oh, maybe they’ll both be in prison soon. Just because something looks the same doesn’t mean it is. For example, gyros look like souvlaki, but they aren’t.

Day 291

While in Japan yesterday, a country where mass shootings don’t exist because their mental health system is so great (winky face), President Agent Orange said that if there was gun control then hundreds more people would have been killed in the church shooting. Let’s break this down a touch. In the “bad guy with a gun” scenario that the NRA is so proud to roll out, we needed a “good guy with a gun.” We had one. A guy got his gun and shot the gunman twice. So, he stopped him, kind of, way to go NRA! Now in this scenario, 26 people were killed. That’s how it works? Success is 26 dead people? 

“Well, if everyone had a gun, he wouldn’t have killed anyone. You can’t stop bad guys from getting guns.” Okay, let’s apply that stupid idea to North Korea. In order to stop North Korea, we should arm all countries with nuclear weapons, because the only way to stop a bad country with a nuclear weapon is a good country with a nuclear weapon …and they are going to get them anyway, so let’s start passing out atomic bombs. Sounds like a great idea. 

Carter “Russian Piñata” Page is the gift that keeps on giving. Every time Mueller hits him with a stick more Russian candy comes out. We now know he had more meetings with Trump and more meetings with Russia. Hey, Donnie, your collusion is only as strong as your weakest link. 

Greek media is following up on George Papandopolous and it looks like he was running around Greece and Cyprus doing things for Trump. Cyprus keeps popping up. I guess the banking system in Cyprus has great perks …free toasters? Unmitigated access to Trumplestillskin?

According to lawyers familiar with the case, Rand “China Doll” Paul’s attack had nothing to do with politics …Rand is just a dick. 

Don-Fredo’s meeting with the Russian lawyer is coming into focus and it sounds like there was a Quid Pro Quo going on. “You give us Hillary dirt. We’ll get rid of sanctions.” Reports are claiming that the Russian lawyer is talking and that is what she is saying. The only Quid Pro Quo I’m going to be involved in is for souvlaki.

Day 292

Well, the democratic party had a good election night which should start to cause some republicans to think twice before they tie their futures to Team Trumplestillskin. Maybe a few of them will start to push the Russian collusion and roll the Orange Umpalumpa out of the White House. 

Our current commerce secretary, Wilbur “Big Money, Small Shoes” Ross is getting outed by the Paradise Papers. If you haven’t heard of the Paradise Papers just keep watching the news. There was document leak from the Bahamas that an investigative journalism group in Germany has their hands on. Madonna, Bono, The Queen, and lots of other people are hiding money down there. Wilbur Ross is also …and there are direct connections between Ross’ shipping company and Putin. Interesting. Can we arrest everyone now? Please. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein III is in Korea. He didn’t make it to the DMZ because of the weather. Apparently, his bone spurs act up anytime he is near a war zone. Must be tough to be such a tough, no nonsense guy and never get to fight a real battle. Maybe we can organize a fight between Trump and Rand “China Doll” Paul’s neighbor. 

Santa Mueller is quietly working away, preparing for the big day when we will all get our presents. I still want a yearlong supply of souvlaki.

Day 292

Well, the democratic party had a good election night which should start to cause some republicans to think twice before they tie their futures to Team Trumplestillskin. Maybe a few of them will start to push the Russian collusion and roll the Orange Umpalumpa out of the White House. 

Our current commerce secretary, Wilbur “Big Money, Small Shoes” Ross is getting outed by the Paradise Papers. If you haven’t heard of the Paradise Papers just keep watching the news. There was document leak from the Bahamas that an investigative journalism group in Germany has their hands on. Madonna, Bono, The Queen, and lots of other people are hiding money down there. Wilbur Ross is also …and there are direct connections between Ross’ shipping company and Putin. Interesting. Can we arrest everyone now? Please. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein III is in Korea. He didn’t make it to the DMZ because of the weather. Apparently, his bone spurs act up anytime he is near a war zone. Must be tough to be such a tough, no nonsense guy and never get to fight a real battle. Maybe we can organize a fight between Trump and Rand “China Doll” Paul’s neighbor. 

Santa Mueller is quietly working away, preparing for the big day when we will all get our presents. I still want a yearlong supply of souvlaki.

Day 293

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad ate dinner in the Forbidden City last night. It was a rare honor for an overseas leader and Trump said afterwards, “The only Chinese food I’ve had that was better was the taco bowl at Trump Tower.” 

Speaking of China, Rand “China Doll” Paul has upped his broken rib total to six now. First reports were four, then five, and now six. Is he breaking more ribs in the hospital? Do we need to bubble wrap him? If we do bubble wrap him, it’s a great opportunity to mail him to another country. I have some stamps. 

First Team Trumplestillskin lost most of the team, then they got their butts handed to them on Tuesday, and now they have lost the Country Music Award presenters, Carrie Underwood and Brad Paisley. (Believe it or not, I was not watching, so this is all second hand.) The hosts were told not to do political jokes, so they sang a short song titled “Before He Tweets.” It’s pretty funny for a country song. Let’s hope the second verse has a bit about losing his job, losing his wife, and ending up in the drunk tank. 

Michigan (State Motto: Wisconsin is lowering the drinking age? Hold My Beer) has a bill to allow gun nuts to carry concealed weapons at schools and churches. That sounds like the logical solution. The logical way to put out a fire is to throw gas on it. The NRA’s new motto: Fighting Fire with Gasoline for over 100 years.

The only gas I want right now is the residue sloshing around in my gut after eating a hot souvlaki.

Day 294

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein is in Vietnam. He’s about fifty years late, but his bone spurs couldn’t stop him this time. I’m beginning to think that he is made from butter (it explains his color) because every time he gets close to a heated issue he melts. China? China was his little whipping boy during the election and now he is BFFs with China. He melted like an orange dream-sickle on a hundred-degree day. 

We do know that he has the ability to say no, because his bodyguard is reporting that Trumplestillskin turned down a Russian offer to have five women visit his hotel room during his Miss Universe trip to Russia. We should give him a medal for his bravery. 

Roy “Yes, I Am A Lunatic” Moore will probably drop out of the Alabama Senate race before too long. He has accusations made against him that will probably be followed by more accusations. What is wrong with Alabama? First, they give us Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions and now this creep is on deck. Are there any normal people in Alabama? This is a rhetorical question …roll tide. 

General “Disregard for the law” Flynn is worried that is son is going to end up in prison for working with the Russians. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Maybe they can write a screenplay when they are locked in the same cell. 

One apple that has no tree is Stephen “Skynet is my Daddy” Miller. This fully operational bot was questioned by Santa Mueller. Can a robot be put in prison? This is an ethical question the Supreme Court will have to answer. My feeling is that we just unplug him and send him back to Westworld.

All of this intrigue has made me hungry, time for a morning souvlaki

Day 295

Vladimir “the election Impaler” Putin told President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Brains that Russia did not interfere with the election …Trumplestillskin believed him, because, you know, who can trust the 17 US agencies that said that Russia did? Trumpenstein holds some interesting false beliefs:

1. He is smart

2. Melania thinks he’s sexy

3. His long ties cover up his large belly.

4. His hair looks good. 

5. He’s a deal maker. 

6. His hands are big. 

7. Mike Pence likes him. 

8. He’s not going to prison. 

9. Nobody knows he uses a spray tan called Hawaiian Sunrise. 

10. Paul Manafort isn’t a Russian spy. 

Judge Roy “There Ain’t a Commandment Against That” Moore says he’s innocent. His supporters believe him. This is the same group of wackos who thought Hillary set up a child sex ring in a pizzeria basement …a pizzeria without a basement …or children …or Hillary. Now they believe that this creep is being set up. 4 eyewitnesses and 30 people who were told about Moore’s behavior and a pizza sex ring sounds more logical?

The most logical of all thoughts is to eat a souvlaki for lunch.

Day 296

“Fat Short” (rap alias) Kim Jong Un called Trumplestillskin an old lunatic. President Agent Orange responded in his usual classy manner by saying that he wasn’t old and he never called Un fat and short. Anyone else notice Trump, who is 71 and factually old, is denying reality and not denying that he is a lunatic? 

The orange man with tiny hands and big plans is offering his sage wisdom to intercede in the South China Seas. He’s quite a deal maker, I’m sure he’s just the guy to solve this problem. 

James Clapper and John Brennan said this morning that Trumpenstein is getting played by Putin. I’m not sure what tune Putin has VonTrumpie playing, but I’ll bet it’s something like Rage’s “Know Your Enemy.” 

The Senate race in Alabama is tightening. Judge Roy “Ain’t No Commandment Against That” Moore is claiming that his accusers are lying and he’s going to get them …again. Here’s the thing, with this idiot running the race shouldn’t be tightening, it should be a blowout for the democrat, but the people of Alabama would rather vote for a molester than a democrat. When Anthony “Carlos Danger” Wiener gets out of jail he should move to Alabama and run for office. That’d really confuse those NASCAR hillbillies. 

You know what confuses me? Why there isn’t a Souvlaki Hut in every city.

Day 297

Politico has an interesting article about Santa Mueller’s investigation. Seventeen prosecutors have each been selected because of their special skills (like Liam Neeson). My favorite line from the report was that information was withheld when the Papadopolous charges were filed because it was a small part of a much larger investigation. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstien III is in the Philippians meeting with fellow Presidential lunatic Duterte. Trumplestillskin mentioned human rights violations but did it like this, “How did you get away with violating the human rights of your enemies? Asking for a friend.” 

Faux Newz is reporting that Roy “Ain’t No Commandment Against That” Moore is suing the Washington Post. The rest of the news agencies are reporting that the cowboy hat wearing, tiny gun carrying, tightey-whitey wearing Moore said in a speech that he was thinking about suing the Post. Moore is a public figure and would lose the case, he knows this. Faux know this too, but Faux is reporting it this way for the purpose of making people who watch their channel feel like he is getting railroaded. Then they can vote for pretend Roy Rogers without feeling guilty. 

60,000 white supremacists gathered in Poland to light flares and look scary. They want an all-white, Christian nation. I vote for North Korea. You guys can have that whole area, you just have to get the Koreans to leave. Good luck. Why we can’t get these morons and the ISIS morons together for a fight to the death is beyond me. If Bill Gates wants to do something good with his money maybe he can buy everyone on both sides airline tickets to the same place and have them fight until everyone is dead. Let’s fly everyone off Puerto Rico for a month, fly these guys on, and let them go at it. Problem solved. 

The winners get souvlaki for life and a championship belt that says, “Superior Race.”

Day 298

Don-Fredo Jr. has released a bunch of correspondence from Wikileaks …after the direct messages were exposed by the “Fake News.” Wikileaks was promising to help Trumplestillskin get elected if Don-Fredo did a little dirty work for them. The connections between Wikileaks and Russian intelligence have been established by many US agencies, so this looks bad for poor little Don-Fredo. Word of advice, don’t go fishing at Lake Tahoe with Steve Bannon anytime soon Don-Fredo. 

The ever-unraveling case of Roy “Ain’t no Commandment Against That” Moore got a little more disgusting yesterday. Gloria Allred is now representing another woman who claims she was molested by Moore. The most damning piece of information released yesterday was that Gadsden Mall banned Moore from the premises in the ’80s for predatory behavior. He was trying to pick up high school girls at the mall. Did he watch “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” too many times? Why didn’t he just drive a Camero and get a job at Stereo World? Most of the republican party is running away from this guy like he’s yelling “Allah Akbar” in a crowded mall. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein Von Trumpenstillskin Jr. III is heading home after his very big, very very big successful trip to Asia. He praised President Duterte as he was leaving the Philippines because, you know, that’s the type of leader Trump wants to be. 

Trumplestillskin’s nominee for the Alabama Federal court position is coming under fire. Why? Well, because he is 36 and never tried a case. Everyone is saying he is unqualified and shouldn’t be a judge. Oh, and then there is the fact that he didn’t disclose he is married to a White House lawyer. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALABAMA? Draining that swamp one swamp creature at a time. 

You drain the swamp Trumpie, I’m going to drain another souvlaki.