Day: January 2, 2021

Day 280

The prototypes of the Trump Wall are sitting in some empty place (not as empty as the place where this idea was thought of…the space between President Agent Orange Julius Caesar’s ears) in the Southwest. I looked at them and decided that one I like best is the see through one that is powered by solar panels. The invisible one…I can build it for 50% of what everyone else is offering. Sure, I only have one employee, but that is only one less than the energy company who got the $300 million bid to fix the electricity in Puerto Rico. I can have my imaginary walls up and running as soon as the check clears. When I’m all done, you’ll be able to find me in an undisclosed country where extradition laws protect me. I’ll ask THE KUSH where those are because he’s probably been Googling that for about 280 days. 

If you think the walls are about jobs and protecting us from “bad hombres,” please explain to me why ICE agents arrested a 10-year-old girl with cerebral palsy on her way to emergency surgery. This is who we are now. We are the country rounding up 10-year-old sick children and sending them back to Mexico. #MAGA The only job this girl is qualified to take is Von Trumplestillskin’s. 

We’re also the nation where republicans cry tears of joy when they can vote on a $1.5 trillion tax break. This will increase the debt…remember that thing all the republicans were crying tears of fear about when Obama was in charge? Yeah, now it’s all about trickle down tax reform and give the rich guys more money so they can stimulate the economy in the Monte Carlo, and Zurich. The House barely passed the bill, the Senate will probably vote it down…if not, I’m going to invest in the family sized tent industry and opioid companies because the only thing trickling down will be pain. 

Most of the JFK files are out. Ted “Melty Face” Cruz has his entire staff combing through the files to see if Trumpenstein was right about Ted’s dad killing JFK. The files I want Trump to release are the ones called HIS TAXES!!!! We’re talking about TAX REFORM and we don’t have a clue how our liar in chief cheats on his taxes. We don’t have Bill Clinton, Harvey Weinstein, and Bill Cosby reforming sexual harassment laws in our nation, we shouldn’t have a bunch of wealthy morons doing tax reform. 

For those of you celebrating Trumplestillskin’s amazing Wall Street performance, take a look at what the markets in Germany, France, and Japan are doing. They are performing better than the good old USA. So, take that and stick it in your 401K. 

Well, the US government has discovered how to use photoshop. T-Rex Tillerson is in Afghanistan…we think. There is a picture of him meeting with government officials in Afghanistan. The picture looks pretty normal, until you see pictures from the Afghani press. There is a bunch of stuff removed from the US pictures: A clock, Kim Jong Un, Barney the purple dinosaur, the ghost of Ronald Reagan, Paul Manafort, Vlad Putin, and a full platter of souvlaki. It’s probably no big deal though.

Day 281

It is all starting to make sense. Last week was a wacky one even by Donnie Von Trumplestillskin’s standards. There were votes on tax breaks for millionaires, there was information that Hillary was behind the pee pee dossier, there was the announcement of a new House investigation into Hillary’s emails and a uranium sale in 2010, there was the release of the JFK files, and then there were the 12 Twitter battles Trumpenstein got into with Jeff “Not a Snow” Flake – A Gold Star Widow- and Bob “Corky” Corker. There were so many distractions, it was hard to figure out what part of the circus we were watching…and then came Friday. 

Friday was the day that CNN found out that “Santa” Mueller’s presents were going to arrive on Monday. The first indictments are here! The first indictments are here! This is better than getting your name in the phonebook. (Sometimes obscure, old allusions are the best.) 

Who is named in the NOTHING BURGER indictments is anyone’s guess…let me guess: Paul “Leave the Gun, Take the Cannoli” Manafort and General “Disregard For the Law” Flynn. Santa Mueller is probably going to press charges against these two clowns to get them to say, “Donnie made me do it.” Once they roll over, we will be rebuilding a national government from scratch. 

(For the official Souvlaki Hut Record: The dossier started with payments from a conservative website, Hillary’s emails have been investigated more than Laura Palmer’s murder, the uranium sales thing has been debunked like Trump’s claim that his hair is natural, and Trumplestillskin’s Twitter attacks have all been shown to be lies.) 

In the good news part of day 281: Melania has ended cyberbullying. 

Agent Orange Julius Caesar has been meeting with potential federal judges privately in New York and Florida…this is super unethical and unprecedented. Why? Because the Judicial branch is supposed to monitor the other branches of government…not collude. These potential judges could be called to rule on Trump’s collusion with Russia. Yeah…really. Draining that swamp. 

The Niger tragedy just had another shoe drop. The boots on the ground had requested an armed drone to accompany them, WA DC said, “No.” 

Sarah “I Tell Lies for a Living” Huckabee-Sanders said that all the women who accused Sticky Fingers Trump of sexual harassment were lying. Yep, he’d never do anything like that. If he did, he’d probably brag about it to Billy Bush. 

Finally, Trump is also shrinking some of Utah’s National Monuments so energy companies can drill there. Let’s hope Santa lets us unwrap our presents before any of this happens. All I want for Christmas is an orange man in an orange suit…and another souvlaki.

Day 282

Roger “Dumbest” Stone in the quarry, got his Twitter account suspended yesterday after going nutso about the indictment that will be released Monday. Will he he named? Or will it be Manafort? Or will it be Flynn? Or will it be THE KUSH? Or, will it be Donnie Junior? Or will it be Carter Page? 

Trumlestillskin is doing his best to distract with the assistance of Faux Newz. They are running Hillary stuff 24/7. They must know it won’t be long till the Trumplestein train derails and his presidency ends. 

Sugar plums and souvlaki are going to be dancing in my head tonight. Bring me the best gift Santa Mueller.

Day 283

Today’s special at the Souvlaki Hut: The Nothing Burger. What’s in it? Paul “I Accidentally Left the Cannelloni and The Gun” Manafort, Rick “Rusty” Gates, 31 pages of Mueller’s investigation so far, 12 charges (conspiracy, money laundering, false statements to federal agents, being a spy…), $18 million in undisclosed earnings…and an orange suit with accompanying handcuffs. (That’s a lot of stuff in a Nothing Burger.) 

No doubt this is the first part of Santa Mueller’s 56 days of Christmas. “You get an indictment. You get an indictment! Everyone gets an indictment.” 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumenstein is already tweeting that there is no collusion and why isn’t Hillary in jail? 

1. You might want to look up collusion in the dictionary Donnie…your big brain might want to know the word before you end up seeing it on your impeachment papers. 

2. You want to put Hillary in jail? Um…did you know that you’re uncharge of the DOJ? If you think there is something there, then go for it. I’m pretty sure your Faux Newz Turnip Headed followers will buy what you’re selling but the rest of us are not getting distracted by Uranium One stories. 

3. If you start upping your orange tan game, you might blend in with the prison suit. 

In case you thought Betsy “Guns don’t kill people Bears Do” Devos was just taking it easy, keep your eyes on her attempt to make it harder to escape the student loan debt of for-profit-scam-colleges…aka, Trump University. This is all you need to know about these folks that want vouchers for schools. This has nothing to do with kids getting a hand up, it has everything to do with rich folks getting money to send their child to a private school on the taxpayer’s dime, and, more importantly, allowing schools to become for-profit sources of money for people like Betsy.

Well, it looks like lots of people are interested in today’s special. Can’t wait until we can offer the Trump Impeachment Souvlaki.

Day 284

What has George “Will Wear A Wire For Food” Papadoupoulos been up to since he was arrested in April…the day after the FBI raided Manafort’s house? Well, this guy who Trumplestillskin once named as one of his important international aides is now persona non grata on Team Trumplestein. Did he wear a wire to meet with key White House staff? Oh, I’m betting that happened. Are there a bunch of people in the White House checking to see if they had a meeting with Papadouploulos? I’m betting so. Oh, Santa Mueller, please arrest THE KUSH next. I’ll take Don Fredo, but THE KUSH would be the best New Jersey Tragedy since Chris “Beached Whale” Christie’s Bridge Gate. 

The distraction machine over at Faux Newz is acting like President Hillary Clinton has been out murdering babies in her free time. 1. Hillary isn’t president. She probably should be, but that didn’t happen. #Russia 2. Her emails aren’t going to be as interesting as all the Trump emails that will soon be hitting the airwaves. 3. Maybe it is time to have Sean “Graying Devo Hair” Hannity arrested for being a bloated bag of lying pus. 

“Machine Gun” John “The Only Adult” Kelly said yesterday that the Civil War happened because people wouldn’t compromise. Okay…I guess you could say that about every war. Hitler wouldn’t compromise. If only those Spartans would have compromised. Vietnam…Iraq…Afghanistan, all could have been avoided if we just learned to compromise. That makes sense…kinda…but the Civil War was about one side thinking you can own people and the other side thinking you couldn’t. How would a compromise have worked out there? You can own 3/5ths of a person?

Well, North Korea had its nuclear test mountain collapse. 200 people probably were killed. Will this slow thing down? Who knows, Agent Orange is going to need a war to get himself out of this investigation, so don’t hold your breath. 

The only war we should be starting is a war on souvlaki. Everyone get out there and kill one today.

Day 285

There was a terrorist attack yesterday in NYC. An Uzbekistan guy rented a Home Depot truck and ran down a bike lane in the city. A dozen people were killed. He was shot and taken into custody. It appears this guy came to the US about six years ago, was illiterate, moved from Ohio to Florida, and was radicalized once he was in the US by stuff he saw on the internet. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar went to Twitter immediately and called for Extreme Vetting. It’s like our president is one of those pull string dolls that has about ten things he says, “Lock her up…My hands are normal sized…Extreme vetting…I’m going to build a wall…And Mexico is going to pay for it…What the hell is going on…I did not touch that girl…Grab them by the *****…He never said collusion…My daughter, Ivanka, look at that body.” Just a question, how long did it take Trump to respond to the Las Vegas shooting? Why wasn’t he calling for 60-year-old millionaires to undergo extreme vetting? You know the only way to stop a bad guy with a rented Home Depot truck is a good guy with a rented Home Depot truck. 

The accused terrorist would have passed Donnie’s little extreme vetting test because he didn’t come from one of the banned countries, had no evidence of terrorist beliefs before arriving, and was radicalized in the USA…just like every doomsday bunker building idiot with ten military weapons. 

Don-Fredo, between Googling “How long do you spend in prison for crimes against the USA?” and deleting emails, had time to tweet about socialism. He took a picture of his daughter’s Halloween candy and said he was now going to give away half of it so she could get used to socialism. (This guy should restrict his tweets about candy. Remember the bowl full of immigrants/Skittles?) Maybe she should get used to capitalism. She could have been born in a family who spent all of Halloween working hard to get candy, but only got one piece because they couldn’t afford a good costume and live in a bad neighborhood where no one has candy to give out because they actually WORK for a living. Donnie-Fredo doesn’t even understand that everything he has was handed to him. His silver spoon is stuck so far up his rear it is making his brain waves malfunction. 

I’m going to use my silver spoon to eat a souvlaki.

Day 286

The Intelligence Committee looked at the Russian Facebook ads that help sway people to vote for an orange man with tiny hands and big plans. Some of the ads were pretty clever, others were stupid, but it doesn’t take much to fool some people: Benghazi!

Okay, this is going to sound mean, but would somebody puncture (metaphorically) that human bag of lying garbage Sarah Huckabee Sanders? Every press conference is one lie piled on top of another lie. Yesterday, the Orangutan in Chief said something, Jim Acosta repeated it word for word, and she denied that that Liar in Chief said that. THERE IS A THING CALLED RECORDING! HE SAID IT! How can you sit there with your Wednesday Addams’ face and Easter dress and say, “He didn’t say that”? 

You know what else Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein said? He said that the courts are a joke and that the “animals” who commit terrorist acts need to have a punishment worse than the worst punishment. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but let’s not head back there at this point in time. I do agree with one thing he said, the court system works a little too slow for my liking when it comes to putting his buddies in jail. Yes, Santa Mueller should be allowed to put all of the Trumplestillskins in Gitmo and then waterboard them until we get to the bottom of what the hell is going on. (Actually, I don’t think waterboarding them is a good idea. Unless we are talking about Bannon and THE KUSH.) 

Remember when it wasn’t the right time to talk about gun control right after the Las Vegas shooting? Well, apparently, it’s okay to talk about terrorism right after a terrorist attack. The difference is that one crime is committed by an “animal” and the other is committed by a rich white guy. (I’m pretty sure ISIS has already made ten Youtube ads with Trumplestillskin calling them animals. Woohoo, guy with all the best words.) Let’s make it okay to talk about fixing problems right after they occur. I’m okay with that. 

There is only one thing that can be talked about all the time: souvlaki.

Day 287

For eleven minutes the world was free from a Donnie Trumplestillskin Twitter account. A twitter employee, on his/her last day, deleted Trumpenstein’s account. (In my opinion this person should be put in the Twitter Hall of Fame.) President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer responded with his second most confusing tweet ever (he’ll never top covfefe). His tiny fingers typed, “I guess the word must finally be getting out-and having an impact.” What the hell is that? Is that the message that will activate the robots, or the Manchurian Candidate? 

The smallest cabinet member is in hot water, it’s like a teacup of hot water, for not reporting meetings with Russians…again. Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions was at another meeting where Russian contact was discussed. Carter “Walking Disaster Zone” Page has said that Sessions and George “I Got All My International Experience at Model UN” Papadopolous were at a meeting with Page where they talked about Russia. Sessions was aware Page was going to Russia and knew Papadopolous was attempting to contact Russians. Sounds like it’s time to get that little jail cell warmed up. 

El Loco Presidente is off to Asia starting today. He’ll be gone until November 14th. This is our chance everyone! Let’s get to work and start building a fake WA DC. There is probably space in Kansas somewhere. We build the whole thing like they did in Blazing Saddles and then when Trump comes back, we just fly him into Kansas instead of DC. We can hire actors to play reporters and cabinet members. (I think we can even fool the whole Faux Newz crew.) He’ll never figure it out. Then, we see if we can get Prince William, or Prince Harry to run the place until 2020. Those guys would do fine, and it isn’t like they are going to get to be king in the next few years. 

Okay, it’s a plan. I’ll provide the souvlaki. Let’s get to work.

Day 288

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Drumpf is in Hawaii looking for Obama’s birth certificate. Remember about ten years ago he promised that he would release some really, really important information from people he had looking into Obama’a birthplace? Yep, that must be why he’s there…or he could be trying to squeeze in a round of golf before heading out to embarrass the US in Asia. God Speed Mr. Trumpenstein. 

H. W. Bush has called Trumlestillskin a blowhard in his new book. It is one of the nicer things Trump has been called lately. 

Little racist gnome, Jeffro Bowdeen is getting zero support from his big orange buddy and it looks like the tiny elfin figure will soon be back in hiding. (It should be harder to find him during the holiday season, because he can blend in with all those manger scenes. “Is that Sessions, or a shepherd?) 

I hope our fearless liar has a great trip to China and Korea, maybe he’ll find out things that no one knew:

1. China is big.

2. There’s two Koreas

3. Chinese food is different at Trump Tower

4. Spray tans in Asia aren’t orange

5. The Great Wall is big

6. It’s hard to find a Souvlaki Hut in Beijing

Day 289

Santa Mueller seems to be preparing another Mueller Monday. This time it is going to be Michael “Lock Her Up…Not Me” Flynn and his darling little boy. Reports are that Mueller has enough to indict both of them. Let’s just keep doing this every Monday until Trumplestillskin appears under my tree in an orange suit. 

President Agent Orange is in Asia on what I’ll call “The Interpreters Worst Nightmare Tour.” Good luck translating that Trump-speak into another language. 

Trumpenstien’s approval ratings are the lowest in 70 years. That’s almost as long has he’s been alive. I wonder if he realizes that Nixon had better approval ratings as he went through the Watergate hearings. 

Rand “No Government is the Best Government” Paul just got assaulted by a neighbor. The assault was stopped by security…paid for by tax dollars…maybe he’s right. Maybe we shouldn’t pay any taxes. All these Libertarian snowflakes need to start going to the gym. My workout routine is eating one souvlaki a day.