Day: January 2, 2021

Day 270

John “Real War Heroes Don’t Get Captured” McCain gave a little speech yesterday where he said that we must avoid “spurious nationalism.” The white nationalist Trumplestillskin supporters were like, “Yeah, the only type of nationalism is the white kind, we haven’t even heard of the spurious race. Those guys need to go back to Spuriouria.” 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair said that Obama didn’t contact families of fallen soldiers. This is a flat out lie. It’s odd how this clown continues to baldly go where no Presidential lies have gone before. Imagine the Faux Newz crazy machine if Obama had claimed that Bush never contacted Gold Star Families. The newz would have come to a complete stop. There would have been two months of outrage until Congressman Trey Gowdy called for a trial. (Have you seen Trey Gowdy’s latest haircut? It looks like he went to a Supercuts and paid for half a haircut.)

Calista “Not All Faces Were Made To Move” Gingrich is off to the Vatican to be an Ambassador. Let’s hope she takes that bobble-headed husband of hers and he gets lost in the Pope’s garden. 

The Republican Florida Governor is declaring a state of emergency because racist, Nazi, pig Richard “Punching Bag” Spencer is going to be speaking in the state. While I agree that Dick Spencer is a racist idiot, maybe hiring a tuba band to follow him around to play German Polka tunes would be a better way to deal with it. 

Trumplestillskin’s nomination for Drug Czar is now coming under fire for being the guy who weakened the DEA’s ability to enforce laws. If you haven’t been paying attention, this is how Trumpenstein nominates everyone. “Who is the worst person possible? That’s the guy I want.” Here are some of the nominations that were never announced. 

1. Health and Human Services: Fredrick Douglass

2. Amtrak: Benito Mussolini 

3. NASA: The Catholic Church circa 1350 AD. 

4. Nuclear Regulatory Commission: Don King 

5. Advisory Council on Historic Preservation: Don King 

6. Ocean Energy Management: Captain Ahab

7. Office of Civil Rights: Joesph McCarthy

8. Office of Minority Health: David Duke

9. National Security Agency: Vlad Putin

10. Homeland Security Department: Souvlaki Hut Gorilla 

Breaking news: The Drug Czar nominee has been withdrawn.

Day 271

President Agent Orange has defeated ISIS! Let’s move that campaign promise from promise to Mission Accomplished! He said his plan was secret. He said he’d do it in 30 days. He said it would be easy. Yep, three for three. Where’s the banner? Now that ISIS is gone, can we get rid of the travel ban? 

Sean “Spicy” Spicer spent some of his free time talking with Inspector Mueller. I wonder if Spicer can talk without Trumplestillskin’s hand up his nether regions. No doubt Sean told the truth…because that’s the kind of guy he is. I hope he doesn’t get charged for stealing a mini fridge from the White House. 

The republicans want the investigation wrapped up by the end of the year. Ummm…yes, please. I was hoping for November, but I’ll take December. I want Santa Mueller to put coal in every republican’s stocking and give me the orange man in an orange suit. (Santa Mueller might have to open those coal mines to get all the coal needed for the turnip headed true believers. You are going to get those jobs back West Virginia!) 

President Trumpenstein has been caught with his tiny foot in his giant mouth again. This time he claimed that Obama and previous presidents did not call Gold Star families. Whether Obama called Machine Gun Kelly’s family or not is not clearly known, but Trumplestillskin believes it didn’t happen, so it must be true. When Trumpster-Fire talked to one of the widows of a soldier killed in Niger he said, “He knew what he was signing up for.” Now, some people (turnip heads) are saying that Trump meant that the soldier was extra-brave because he knew he would die. Other people, people who have empathy, are saying this is another example of how Trump lacks an understanding of how other people have feelings too. El Loco Presidente spent all of his time expressing how hard it was for him to call these people, because…you know…how hard it is for Trumplestillskin is the important part. Being president is hard…who knew? 

The security guard from the Las Vegas shooting has gone underground which is driving every conspiracy-gun-nut to believe that the liberals set the whole thing up. If liberals were this good at organizing, we’d all have healthcare, free college tuition, modern infrastructure, and a president who wasn’t a total nut job. 

I like to keep my conspiracies simple. For example, Russia wanted an idiot elected in the USA, so they helped the idiot get elected. The only thing easier to explain is how delicious a souvlaki is.

Day 272

Another day, another wackadoodle controversy coming from the White House. This time it is all about President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair and whether he said to the widow of a fallen soldier, “He knew what he was signing up for…but it probably still hurts.” And then there is the $25,000 check he promised to send another grieving parent back in June. (The check got sent yesterday.) In Trumplestillskin’s efforts to out-patriot all of the presidents before him, he has drawn attention to the one fact that is hard to ignore: he is an idiot. The words that come out of his mouth are often untrue. He has no empathy. He lacks the basic understandings that go with being a human. He is tactless. The world of Donnie Trumpie is the center of the Trumpenstein universe and nothing else matters to him. (Voted the dumbest universe 71 years in a row.) He is an orange sun of moronic behavior and stupidity. 

Trumplestillskin supporter and Nazi idiot, Richard “I Like Big Punches to the Face and I Cannot Lie” Spencer is off to speak at University of Florida today. I’m sure he’ll have lots of examples of how white guys are the best. He’s the example I’ll use to prove him wrong: Donald Trump. If white guys are so much better, explain this genetic malfunction. Everyone is preparing for protests, counter protests, counter counter protests, and protests of the counter counter protests. It has already cost the university a bunch of money to prepare for Hurricane White Nationalist Idiot. Here’s an idea to make the money back, sell tickets, fill the Florida Gator Stadium and hold a White Nationalist Thunderdome. 5,000 white nationalists enter, one leaves. 

I’m waiting for the great souvlaki thunderdome of 2017. One souvlaki enters my stomach…

Day 273

Agent Orangutan has given himself a “10” for his handling of Puerto Rico. This goes along with his list of other historical tens: Titanic Rescue, The Matrix 3, Ben Affleck as Batman, The Samsung Galaxy Note 7, Microsoft Windows 10. 

Trumplestillskin does have a defender, Vlad “the election Impaler” Putin has said that people need to respect Trumpenstein’s mandate. He added, “I printed and counted the votes. I know he won.” 

Nikki “Six” Haley disagrees with Mr. Putin. She said yesterday that the Russian interference in the election was tantamount to warfare. Hold on. I thought this was all a nothing burger, inside and nothing bun, inside a nothing wrapper. Why is Nikki off script? She’s gone rogue. 

George W. “How you like me now” Bush gave a scathing speech yesterday saying that Trumplestillskin has emboldened bigotry. Yikes! That’s got to sting. I’m sure Bannon will start running articles in Breitbart about how Bush started a war with the wrong country, and how Cheney was really in charge, and pretty much everything I said while he was in office…man I miss that old nincompoop.

Paul “Ayn Rand” Ryan had some pretty funny zingers at the Al Smith dinner last night. Check out the highlights if you have a chance. 

Friday has arrived and you know what that means. Double down on souvlaki.

Day 274

Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein has announced that he will be releasing the Kennedy assassination documents to the public. Ted “Melty Face” Cruz must be shaking in his Texas boots. I can’t wait to find out that Ted’s dad was behind the whole thing, just like Trumplestillskin said during the election. Other documents that Trumppmurt will be bringing out of the vaults: 

1. Elvis’ undercover work for the FBI

2. Unreleased X-Files episodes

3. KFC’s secret 11 spices

4. Milli Vanilli vocals

5. All the things Fredrick Douglass has been doing lately

6. Paul McCartney’s untimely death and replacement

7. What Hotel California is really about

8. Who Carly Simon is singing about in You’re So Vain

9. Secret recordings of OJ Simpson

10. He’ll accidentally release his IQ score: 15. 

11. The secret to making a great souvlaki.

Day 275

In a tweet yesterday, Agent Orange Julius Caesar took credit for the Second Amendment, the military, ISIS (I’m assuming he is saying he has defeated ISIS, not the creator), VA improvements, the Supreme Court, a record stock market, and the lowest unemployment in 17 years. That’s so much winning I am officially sick of winning. I’ll print out a certificate saying, “Best President Ever!” if you go home and don’t come back. 

The stock market is going gang busters, I’m probably not the only person who thinks this is temporary, because all the Wall Street leeches think they are going to get corporate tax breaks and the inheritance tax is going to be revoked. When those things don’t happen, the market will come crashing back down and we will end up bailing out these Wall Street “geniuses” again. Good thing the only thing wrapped up in the market is my retirement. 

Other than that, Trumplestillskin is doing what he normally does, calling a congressperson a wacko, and saying things that only a senile 90-year-old says. 

Enjoy your Sunday and a souvlaki.

Day 276

Frederica “Cowboy Hats Aren’t Just For Cowboys” Wilson is firing back at the White House. She accused Machine Gun Kelly of being a Trumplestillskin puppet and isn’t backing down from her comments about how the President’s comments to the grieving widow were insensitive. The widow,Myeshia Johnson, spoke out this weekend saying that Trumpenstein could not remember her husband’s name. This shouldn’t come as a surprise. Trumplestillskin supporters will continue to defend him, it doesn’t matter if there were five thousand incidents like this. (I think we are approaching 3000 incidents at day 276.) Yes, he is an idiot. Yes, he has not empathy. Yes, he has the attention span of a newborn puppy. 

John “War Heroes Do Get Captured” McCain sent a volley President Agent Orange’s way when he said that there were people in the highest income level who avoided the draft during Vietnam. I’m sure Trumplestillskin will produce a doctor’s report stating that his bone spurs were the best, most beautiful bone spurs ever. Let’s be honest here, do we really want soldiers like Trump in the armed services? I’m not macho, macho man, but if I were in a fox hole with that guy, I’d be tempted to frag him…and I’m a pacifist. 

The congressional investigations into Russian interference are embroiled in internal fighting and will probably produce two different reports when the house committee finishes up. We will get a report from the republicans titled, “Lies” and one from the democrats titled, “We Couldn’t Beat This Guy?” Devin Nunes is still hovering around the committee making it hard to get anything done even though he is supposed to be back milking cows in the Central Valley. 

B-52s are on 24-hour alert, so we got that going for us. It might be time to double down on that life insurance you’ve been thinking about. I’m going to double down on souvlaki.

Day 277

As details come trickling out about the ambush in Niger, Agent Orange Julius Caesar is tweeting that one of the widows of the four men killed is lying about the presidential phone call to her. For Trumplestillskin this seems even more brainless than other Twitter attacks, but you can’t potty train a two-year-old in 277 days…can you? 

The Niger details could lead one to believe that Trumpenstein’s tweets are there to distract from the mess. I don’t think it is time to start shouting Benghazi, but maybe our senators should know we have soldiers in Niger…at a minimum. 

Bob Corker is telling Trump to stay away from the tax reform discussions. Trump then sent out two tweets about how Bob Corker helped Obama negotiate the Iran deal and how Corker decided not to run after Trump said he wouldn’t endorse Corker. I just gonna put this out there…could Trump be lying about this stuff? I mean, there seems to be mounting evidence that Trump lies. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but it almost seems like we have elected a lying egomaniac. 

The EPA (ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTION AGENCY!) is not going to allow some of their scientists to speak at a gathering of scientists who are discussing the pollution of the Narragansett Bay. Yep, ignoring stuff always makes it go away. Wait…hold on…you mean if I start ignoring Trump he’ll disappear? I wish it worked that way. 

Something I’ll never ignore is a fresh souvlaki.

Day 278

Jeff “I’m Not a Snow” Flake went full Sarah Palin yesterday on the Senate floor. His call for a return to sanity will be followed by a bunch of tweets from the oval office no doubt. His colleague, Bob Corker, has started the hashtag of the year: #AlertTheDaycareStaff. Now we have a way to respond to Trumplestillskin’s tweets. Baby steps…baby steps. 

We found out that the DNC and Hillary paid for the controversial Trumplestillskin dossier. That isn’t much of a surprise, but we don’t know which republican running against Trumpenstein started the dossier payments. (Yes, it started before Hillary.) 

Paul “All Roads Lead To Russia” Manafort has one more charge added to his list: money laundering. It certainly looks like the Mueller investigation is piling up charges against him so he will roll over on team Trump. Let’s hope it happens soon. 

The Niger tragedy is still unclear, but here’s my conspiracy theory. I think Betsy “When Bears Attack” DeVos’s brother will eventually get pulled into this thing. He’s the guy behind Blackwater. He’s also the guy who had secret meetings in the Middle East with THE KUSH. His company has been providing mercenary services for the US military for a long time. It’s time for him to answer some questions. 

Somebody tossed a couple Russian flags at President Agent Orange yesterday. It was either a security breech, or the tourist picked them up from Trumplestillskin’s oval office desk. 

If I’m going to toss anything at Trump it’s going to be a souvlaki.

Day 279

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein Von Trumplestillskin is touting his Ivy League education to rebuff the grieving widow’s recollection of his phone call. “My brain is the best brain. When God made my brain, he stood back and said, ‘Perfect’ and he was right. My brain is perfect. Just like my body. My body and my brain are both perfect. They both went to an Ivy League school. When my brain was at the Ivy League school it didn’t even have to think very hard, because it is so good. Look at these hands. See these hands? People say they are small, but they aren’t. They couldn’t fit in OJ Simpson’s gloves because they are so big. If my hands look small, it is because your eyes are not as good as my eyes. My eyes are perfect too. I can see a mouse in a field of wheat from a hot air ballon three hundred feet in the air. When Arnold Schwarzenegger felt my bicep he said, ‘That is the perfect bicep.’ So, when you hear that lady lie about what I said, I hope you realize how perfect I am and how everything else is broken. Drain the swamp. Lock her up. Make America Great Again.” If Von Trumpenstein knew how to play the violin, he’d be fiddling away as the USA burns…

Wonder why 100% of the country isn’t upset? Spend ten minutes watching Faux Newz and it will become clear. They spent hours and hours covering the Weinstein sexual harassment case because he was a democratic donor. During that coverage, Sean “Graying DEVO hair” Hannity had Bill “I Just Paid A $32 Million Harassment Claim Out Of My Pocket” O’Reilly on the air. O’Reilly is saying that he is mad at God because O’Reilly didn’t do anything wrong, and he is the victim. This is the guy who over the course of 20 years yelled at people about personal responsibility about 32 million times. Yep, I regularly pay millions of dollars when I’m completely innocent. They have no shame, no memory, and no moral compass. 

If I’m spending $32 million, I’m spending it on souvlaki.