Day 377

(Weekend Update #1): It’s been a busy week in Trumplesvania. Here are the main events: 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius Von Deal-Maker gave the State of the Umion speech. Although it was packed full of lies and half-truths, no one yelled, “You lie” during the speech. It’s good that El Presidente Loco had a chance to take a victory lap because this time next year he’ll be cooling his heels in Trump tower Moscow with his BFF Vlad, or he’ll be in a vegetative state getting his cheeseburgers through a tube. 

Things at home with Mrs. Trumplestillskin have hit a rocky patch. Melania went to the Umion speech in a different car and arrived at Mar-a-lago last night, stepped off Air Force One and made a bee-line for the motorcade without acknowledging her soon to be ex-husband. 

Possible Melania replacement, Hope Hicks “Sinks Ships”, is now in the center of the Mueller investigation. According to an Ex-Trump lawyer, Hicks helped Don Sr. and Don Jr. put together the Don Jr. memo about the Russian meeting about “adoption.” Hicks is the type of lady who doesn’t look good in orange, so expect her to pull a Flynn and roll over on Team Trump. 

Speaking of rolling over, Rick “Rusty” Gates’s lawyers all quit on him last week. (Gates is Manafort’s buddy who has been charged with a bunch of money laundering and stuff.) Some are speculating that this means that he is now helping Mueller. Gates hung around during the transition period and probably can corroborate Flynn’s testimony. 

Devin “This is your brain on water from Tulare” Nunes put out a memo that was supposed to bring the Mueller investigation to an end. Nunes has been covering for Trumpenstein for over a year. He isn’t very good at it either. This memo was supposed to be a very big deal, but it ended up making Nunes look like a moron. Faux Newz has still been ginning it up, hoping that their viewers can’t read on their own. Here are the highlights of the memo: 

1. Hilliary’s emails!!!

2. Benghazi!!!

3. Y2K!!!

4. Tinfoil prices are being driven up by democrats in order to keep republicans from their favorite hats. 

5. There was a man on a grassy knoll who gave the pee pee tape to Carter Page.

Wall Street went tumbling down a bit: 666 points, which is either the mark of the Devil, or a coincidence. Either way, I’m going to stock up on souvlaki just in case.

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