President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius is in a tight spot. In the past, he has said he will 100% testify under oath for the Mueller investigation. Yesterday, he started hedging his bets. (I’m pretty sure his lawyers spend all their time around him yelling in his ears, “Do not say you will testify!”) Now he is saying, “I don’t think I will testify.” Good luck with that, Trumplestillskin. If Mueller wants you to testify, he can call you before the Grand Jury and have you testified under oath. Who wants to see that? ME! (Reagan got a take home test for the Iran Contra affair, but the Supreme Court has ruled that special investigators can impel presidents to testify in real time under oath.) 

Think of the ratings Donnie! It will be the highest rated criminal investigation ever! Your trial and sentencing hearing will be bigly, bigly tremendous! You’ll go down in history as the most important traitor ever! They’ll probably even build a wing of a federal prison for your family. “Here’s the Trump wing, where we keep all the traitors from the 2016 election. Yes, we used money from Trump’s own bank account to pay for it, because as you know, it was all Russian money. Oh, those walls. Yes, those walls are ten feet higher than most prisons. Mexico donated the money for them.” 

People are questioning why Florida was left off the list of places to drill for oil. I forgot who spends all their time in Florida. How could Trumpenstein enjoy his resort if he had to look out at the horizon and see oil derricks? No drilling for you Florida. Everywhere else–drill away. 

All this banana republic action is making me hungry. Load up another souvlaki!