Day 354

Interior Secretary Ryan “I’m Not Qualified For My Job” Zinke has announced that Florida will not have off-shore oil drilling. Great for Florida…now why did that happen? Oh, they are a swing state. Is California going to get same treatment? No way. That state is a deep blue and therefore must be punished. 

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius had an hour long meeting yesterday discussing DACA and immigration to prove how much of a jenius he is. Umm…it didn’t really help. What it did prove is that Trumplestillskin knows nothing about immigration. The great deal maker doesn’t know what “comprehensive immigration reform” is. He doesn’t understand DACA. He just wants his wall and a Big Mac. 

El Presidente Loco will be getting his first check up this week. Anyone want to guess the results? I’m betting he will get a gentleman’s D. Just like he did in college. He’s 71, never exercises other than moving stuff around on his desk, eats fast food, drinks six diet Cokes a day, and is under terrific pressure. Yeah, if this fitness test says he is in great shape, we will have officially become a banana republic. (Apologies to banana republics around the globe.)

The Fusion GPS testimony was released yesterday and now Senator Chuck “Tinfoil Hat” Grassley has to admit that Hillary Clinton isn’t the reason that Trumplestillskin is being investigated. 

Sloppy Steve Bannon is out at Breitbart. He will now be working at a strip club in Tijuana. This guy has gone from super jenius to pariah in two weeks. You know who people supported longer than Sloppy Steve? Roy Moore. Yep, the GOP would rather support a dude who hangs out at the mall picking up cheerleaders. 

Speaking of crazy people who should know better, 85-year-old Joe “Racism isn’t Just a Hobby It was My Job” Arpaio is running for Jeff Flake’s job. He’s a convicted felon and probably wouldn’t be able to vote in 22 states because he never served out his time, but he can run for office. God Bless America, and God Bless the Souvlaki Hut.

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