President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Lord Dampnut Dumpster Fire and Furher Von Trumplestillskin Von Trumpenstein Von Jenius tweeted out last night a link to a sycophantic editorial from the NY Post. In his tweet he said that he was having the most consensual presidency ever. It was a typo, which geniuses usually catch before sending them out. (I’ve had a few in my 352 days… I guess I’m not a genius.) Somebody got ahold of Trumplestillskin’s phone and deleted the incorrect tweet and resent a new, corrected one. Unfortunately, the internet is forever and his consensual tweet is a big hit among those people who do jokes on the internet.
Lord Dampnut Von Jenius has moved the “fake news” awards to Wednesday because he said, “there was so much interest.” Or, was it because he hadn’t checked his calendar to find out where he was going to be Monday night. He will be attending the college national championship game. (He’ll be the one in the skybox wearing the bib.) Pretty much everyone in the south (his base) will be watching the game, so he needed to change the date of his news awards. Other events the White House checked for conflicts on Wednesday night: New Duck Dynasty episodes, NASCAR races, and KKK meetings. We’re all clear for take-off now. I hope the Souvlaki Hut is up for an award.
Reports are coming out that Trumplestillskin arrives at work at 11 and is done by 4:15… with generous executive breaks built into the day. I’m thinking he might want to show up at 4 and go home at 4:15, or just stop showing up at all. Leave your gun and badge and report to Mar-a-lago full time.
NBC is reporting that Agent Orange’s lawyers are working on ways for him to avoid talking directly to the Mueller investigation. Why wouldn’t he want to talk and clear the air? Oh yeah, that whole thing where he is guilty and should avoid perjuring himself. His lawyers are trying to arrange other methods of testifying instead of being under oath and getting questioned directly. Other methods of testifying have been suggested, here they are.
1. Give Trumpenstein a doll and ask, “Where did Vlad touch you?”
2. Have him draw crayon pictures of where he sat in Trump Tower when he met with the Russian spies.
3. Have him spell out his answers in french fries from McDonalds. Then he can eat the answers.
4. Have THE KUSH do it.
5. Tell him that everyone is going to Chuck E Cheese and have Mueller dress up a Chuck E Cheese and talk to the Donald.
6. Question him through his Life Alert necklace.
7. Put a marshmallow on the table and say, “You can eat that when you tell me how you committed treason.”
8. Have him answer in memes.
9. Waterboarding? He said is works.
10. Make him watch the Souvlaki Hut Gorilla instead of the gorilla channel.