I don’t know about you, but I spent last night watching the Alabama election results. I watched Roy “The Mall Mauler” Moore ride a horse like a three year old with epilepsy to the polls, I watched the polls close, I watched Moore’s lead build, and then I gave up on Alabama. I read for a little bit, turned on the tv and watched as the people of Alabama did the unthinkable… they elected a democrat to the senate. Roy “There Ain’t No Commandment Against That” Moore hasn’t conceded yet because his entire existence is built on denying facts. I feel the worst for that poor horse, is he going to ride it into the sunset? His cowboy outfit might look good in a mall, but that cowboy is all hat… and little gun… and confused horse. 

The only animal more confused than the horse is Steve “My Face Fought the Road and the Road Won” Bannon. Bannon put all his weight and influence behind Moore and was sure he was going to get all the white nationalists to vote for Moore. Tuesday night must be confederate flag knitting night in Alabama, because the African-American vote really turned out. 

The Alabama election will put the Christmas rush on the tax bill. They won’t seat Doug Jones until after the new year. Can’t wait to see how they “fix” the bill so it can get the votes needed to get it to the Oval Office. Here comes the pork for the votes on the fence.

Trump tweeted out a congratulations to Doug Jones and said he knew Moore wouldn’t win. Yep, that guy is still president. He’s a fortune teller who is always wrong, but never admits it.

The other tweet that people are already forgetting about is the one that he put together attacking Kristen Gillibrand. Gillibrand has called for President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein to step down since he has 19 women accusing him of sexual misconduct. Trumplestillskin did what he does when women get uppity, he personally attacked her by tweeting that she was a lightweight and “would do anything” for a campaign contribution. You don’t have to do much close reading to figure out what our presidential troll is saying. Can someone please check Trumpenstien’s oil? I think this job is killing him… and when I say job I mean watching hours of Faux Newz and drinking twelve Diet Cokes a day. 

Santa Mueller, are you loading up your sleigh full of Christmas indictments? I can’t wait. Don’t forget to bring me a souvlaki and some miniature handcuffs for my orange friend.