President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumplestillskin Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein probably wet his pants yesterday when the news that Santa Mueller has subpoenaed Deutsche Bank records related to Trumplestilskin’s businesses. This is one of the things Donnie tiny fingers told the NYTimes that would be outside of Mueller’s scope of investigation and would be a fireable offense. I think Santa Mueller has all his ducks in a row and is daring the man with a face like an orangutan to fire him. 19 days until Christmas… just bring me the indictments and I’ll be a good boy all year. 

Just in case you thought we were starting enough wars, Trumpenstein declared Jerusalem to be the capital of Israel. This should make a few people happy, and a whole bunch of people mad. You know what the Middle East needs? More reasons to be mad. 

Lord Dampnut’s favorite nation, Russia, has been banned from the Olympics for cheating. Putin says they didn’t cheat. He also said they didn’t interfere in our election. I’m starting to think that Putin lies. 

Senator Jeff “Not a Snow” Flake wrote a check for Doug Jones yesterday. Doug Jones is the nameless opponent of Roy “The Mall Mauler” Moore. While this is a good effort to say, “We shouldn’t elect people who spend their free time picking up 14-year-olds in the mall” it is also a little disappointing to me. Why isn’t Flake doing something real that is within his power, like voting against the tax bill that is going to hurt the middle class and poor? Sure, you can oppose somebody who is obviously a creep, but you can’t stand up when it counts? 

If there is one thing I’ll always stand up for, it is a second souvlaki.