Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Hair Dumpster Fire and Fuhrer Von Trumpenstein has announced that he will be releasing the Kennedy assassination documents to the public. Ted “Melty Face” Cruz must be shaking in his Texas boots. I can’t wait to find out that Ted’s dad was behind the whole thing, just like Trumplestillskin said during the election. Other documents that Trumppmurt will be bringing out of the vaults: 

1. Elvis’ undercover work for the FBI

2. Unreleased X-Files episodes

3. KFC’s secret 11 spices

4. Milli Vanilli vocals

5. All the things Fredrick Douglass has been doing lately

6. Paul McCartney’s untimely death and replacement

7. What Hotel California is really about

8. Who Carly Simon is singing about in You’re So Vain

9. Secret recordings of OJ Simpson

10. He’ll accidentally release his IQ score: 15. 

11. The secret to making a great souvlaki.