Day 271

President Agent Orange has defeated ISIS! Let’s move that campaign promise from promise to Mission Accomplished! He said his plan was secret. He said he’d do it in 30 days. He said it would be easy. Yep, three for three. Where’s the banner? Now that ISIS is gone, can we get rid of the travel ban? 

Sean “Spicy” Spicer spent some of his free time talking with Inspector Mueller. I wonder if Spicer can talk without Trumplestillskin’s hand up his nether regions. No doubt Sean told the truth…because that’s the kind of guy he is. I hope he doesn’t get charged for stealing a mini fridge from the White House. 

The republicans want the investigation wrapped up by the end of the year. Ummm…yes, please. I was hoping for November, but I’ll take December. I want Santa Mueller to put coal in every republican’s stocking and give me the orange man in an orange suit. (Santa Mueller might have to open those coal mines to get all the coal needed for the turnip headed true believers. You are going to get those jobs back West Virginia!) 

President Trumpenstein has been caught with his tiny foot in his giant mouth again. This time he claimed that Obama and previous presidents did not call Gold Star families. Whether Obama called Machine Gun Kelly’s family or not is not clearly known, but Trumplestillskin believes it didn’t happen, so it must be true. When Trumpster-Fire talked to one of the widows of a soldier killed in Niger he said, “He knew what he was signing up for.” Now, some people (turnip heads) are saying that Trump meant that the soldier was extra-brave because he knew he would die. Other people, people who have empathy, are saying this is another example of how Trump lacks an understanding of how other people have feelings too. El Loco Presidente spent all of his time expressing how hard it was for him to call these people, because…you know…how hard it is for Trumplestillskin is the important part. Being president is hard…who knew? 

The security guard from the Las Vegas shooting has gone underground which is driving every conspiracy-gun-nut to believe that the liberals set the whole thing up. If liberals were this good at organizing, we’d all have healthcare, free college tuition, modern infrastructure, and a president who wasn’t a total nut job. 

I like to keep my conspiracies simple. For example, Russia wanted an idiot elected in the USA, so they helped the idiot get elected. The only thing easier to explain is how delicious a souvlaki is.

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