President Agent-Orange-Julius-Caesar Dumpster-Fire-and-Fuhrer The-Radish-Shaped-Ruler The-Mini-Peach-Putin Von Trumplestillskin wants to have a 4th of July military parade…like North Korea, China, Russia, and France. (Yeah, France likes to show off its big guns too. Seems a bit un-French but somebody has got to protect the price of a baguette.) Trumplestillskin is an infant. “I like the big guns. Give me the big guns.” Come on! If you really want to scare the world, have a parade of Confederacy supporters. It’d be like a casting call for Deliverance 2: Revenge of the South. The rest of the world would be like, “They are crazy. Don’t mess with them.” 

The biggest news of the day is that Paul “Grab the Cannoli Leave the Gun” Manafort was wiretapped…for good reason. He seems to be the front man for all the Russian interference. Now, was he following orders, or was he doing this all on his own? The FBI raided his house, a storage locker, and raided Putin’s heart. I don’t know what they found, but Putin’s heart was an empty husk of dried beet leaves. Will Manafort talk? Will he roll over on The Radish Shaped Ruler? Will Don-Fredo get his allowance? Where is THE KUSH? Strange things are afoot at the San Dimas Circle K…and on the corner of Pennsylvania Ave and K Street. 

Hillary “Not Liza Minelli In a Costume” Clinton said she would question the legitimacy of the election if The Mini Peach Putin is shown to be behind the Russian hacking of the election. Can we just hit pause for a moment? Sure, I don’t like waking up every morning and wondering, “What did he do now?” But I also don’t want to spend the next three years having to listen to Rush “The Blue Pill Makes You Larger and The White Pill Makes You Feel Smaller” Limbaugh chanting “lock her up” over the airwaves. Can we just get a cardboard cut-out of Lincoln and that can be our president for three years? I mean, really, after Trumpster-fire I’m convinced that a 16 oz glass of water from Lake Michigan could be our president. 

What goes best with 16 oz of cool lake water? Souvlaki!