President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin will visit Texas tomorrow. Hasn’t the state suffered enough? First it was the Alamo, then all those years where the Cowboys looked like they might be good, and now this double punch of Hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Trumplestillskin. 

Texas is tough, not as tough as they think they are, but they are tough. (Do I still have a chip on my shoulder when it comes to Texas? Yes. Why? I’m not sure, but they seem like they are the frat boy of the fifty states and I’m not a frat boy fan.) The good news is that there are parts of Texas that aren’t a big frat party. Austin (a dirty hippie city if there ever was one) has a petition to change a street named Robert E Lee to: “Keep Austin Weird, Not Racist.” This is the best idea of renaming since San Francisco was batting around the idea of naming their water treatment plant The George Bush Waste Treatment Plant. The only problem I see with the street name is that it is going to be hard to fit all that on a postcard. Maybe, since everything is bigger in Texas, the postcards have space for Keep Austin Weird, Not Racist on the address line. 

Kim “Don’t Call Me Kimberly” Jung Un shot off another rocket. This time he flew it over Japan. Did he do this because Trump-roast is distracted with Texas? Probably. Un needs to realize that Trumpster-fire can multitask. Every morning Donnie Johnnie Trumpie gets up, sits on a toilet, watches Faux and Friendz, and tweets. So, the Presidential National Embarrassment might be heading off to Texas, but that doesn’t mean he can’t push a red button or two. Its times like this that it is reassuring that Obama is still controlling the world through his global Illuminati Star Council thingy. (I wish.)

Trumplestillskin business associate, Michael Cohen, worked on directly contacting Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin during the election. Apparently, the building of a Trump Tower in Moscow had stalled, and Cohen was tasked with getting things back on track. Anyone for a lunch of Quid Pro Quo? Why does everything we find out about Trumplestillskin always lead back to the idea that he was running for president so he could increase his brand recognition…and then he accidentally got elected. If that is the case, can we all just promise to subscribe to Trump Steaks and have an adult take over the country? I’d even give up my addiction to souvlaki if he stepped down.