You know how scientists and doctors warned that looking at the sun during the eclipse could be dangerous? Well, the evidence was on display yesterday in Arizona. President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpster-Fire and Fuhrer-The Mango Madman-Von Trumplestillskin held a campaign rally in Phoenix because the election in 2020 is right around the corner. The speech was a 75-minute word salad tossed with xenophobia, pickled beets, Alzheimer’s, ID/EGO masturbation, and the greatest campaign hits from 2015.
The rally kicked off with Rev. Franklin Graham praying for the “Lord [to] shut the mouths of those in this country who want to divide, who want to preach hate.” (God must have turned away when Trump found his way to the podium.) This was followed up by Ben “Medical Coma” Carson saying that “our lives are too short to let our differences divide us.” Then VP Pence got up and wondered how he ended up in this nightmare and spent five minutes screaming “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!” into the microphone. In retrospect, Trump-roast’s opening acts were a lot like having Amy Grant, Jack Johnson, and Lawrence Welk open for The Dead Kennedys. I don’t know if Gramham, Carson, and Pence realized what was about to happen but I’m certain everyone in the crowd forgot that this was a rally to bring unity to the country…because when Donnie Johnnie strolled out onto the stage things got a little sideways.
Trumplestillskin read off his teleprompter for a little bit and then got bored and pulled out a piece of paper with some notes. I’d give $10 to have a picture of Chief of Staff Kelly’s face at the moment he realized that Trump had gone off teleprompter. “Damn it! Didn’t someone search him before we sent him out? I took away his phone. Who gave him access to paper and pen?” Remember when your parents would say, “Nothing good happens after midnight”? Nothing good happens when Trump starts reading off a piece of paper. The paper he pulled out of his pocket could have been written by a mentally ill homeless person, a Russian spy, or Donald John Trump…there is no way to really tell the difference.
At one point, the Trumpster-Fire announced that CNN had turned off the feed to the speech…most people saw that on CNN…which showed the entire deranged rant because CNN knows people can’t help but watch a train wreck. He attacked congress, John McCain, Hawaii, Hillary… anyone who had ever told Trump he doesn’t get everything he wants. Trump lashed out like he was John Snow at the Battle of the Bastards. The bodies piled up around Trump as he just kept going, and going, and going. He said he would shut down the government if the wall wasn’t built, because that makes sense. He said he wasn’t going to pardon Sheriff Arpaio right then, but Arpaio could sleep well because things would work out just fine. You know who he didn’t attack? Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin.
Mitch “TurtleNeck is Preexisting” McConnell reportedly said that Trumplestillskin will not be able to salvage his presidency. Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?
By the end of the speech, people were leaving. They had already waited two hours in 107-degree heat because they live in Arizona, a state where dreams go to die. The adoring crowds couldn’t bring water bottles into the rally because the Secret Service was worried that if people toss water on The Mango Madman he’ll melt. Four hours of anything can be too much, even for people who gorge themselves on Cheeto flavored Fascism. So, the crowd left to the screeching sounds of presidential failure.
And then there were people who loved the speech…these are the same people that make Bud Light the best-selling beer in the United States. I’ll drink a Bud Light…if it is paired with a souvlaki.