President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Salad Dumpster-fire and Fury Von Trumplestillskin watched the eclipse from the balcony of the dump on Pennsylvania Avenue. He did have protective glasses, but in an act that can only be described as his presidency in a nutshell, he took a moment to look directly into the sun without any protection. “They told me not to, but I’m Donnie Johnny Trumpy. I DO WHAT I WANT!” 

Later in the day he delivered his new Afghanistan plan. “We are going to win.” That’s the new plan. Was the old plan to lose? I have two possible strategies that will bring Afghanistan to their knees: 

1. SuperWallMart in every city. (It’ll take ten years to destroy their way of life, but no one will be killed.”)

2. We drop President Trump-roast on the country. I mean, in six months look what he’s done to our government. 

Paul “Ayn Rand is my BFF” Ryan had a town hall meeting last night where he said that Trumplestillskin “messed up” when he said there were good Nazis at the Charlottesville protests. Ryan won’t censure Trumplestillskin because, you know, we all make mistakes. Like the time we all said, “Nazis are just misunderstood.” 

Part-time conspiracy theorist and full-time nut job, Brian Zollinger (R Idaho) said that it is possible that Obama was behind the Charlottesville violence. I’m amazed Zollinger is still alive. I don’t mean that Obama is out to kill him with his secret army, but I can’t believe someone with Zollinger’s intelligence is able to know which end of the spoon to put in his mouth when eating his morning cereal. He probably has someone feed him, because there is no other rational explanation for how a man-baby reaches full maturity with a brain that small. 

Zollinger might want to begin eating souvlaki. It doesn’t matter which end you start with, because both sides are delicious.