Day 205

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Fire and Fury Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestillskin called the Governor of Guam to tell him that the Governor was going to be extremely famous. Yep, that’s what folks in Guam are hoping for: fame. 

Sarah “Edgar Allan Poe Face” Huckabee Sanders cleared up the Orangutan in Chief’s recent statement about Putin kicking out Embassy staff. She said the CheetoMan was being sarcastic. Here’s the problem with that…in order to be sarcastic you must understand irony (not the Alanis Morissette kind). Sarcasm takes the existing words and uses them to say the opposite. For example, if Trumplestillskin walked into the room and I said to him, “Nice hair.” That would be sarcasm, because we all know his hair sucks. Sarcasm doesn’t work when insulting other countries, or cultures because they have a different view of what is normal. So…it wasn’t sarcasm…it was Trump being stupid…or, in other words, normal Trump. 

President Trumpster Fire also said we might invade Venezuela because they were our neighbor. The more this guy says, the more I realize how little he knows. I want to track down every social studies teacher Trump ever had and retroactively fire them. (I know you can’t blame the teacher for what a student learns, but someone has to take responsibility for his fundamental misunderstanding of laws and geography.)

Let’s end our happy post with the white supremacists’ marches in Charlottesville, Virginia. If you missed the pictures of the idiots pretending to be in a Leni Riefenstahl movie from last night you should look them up. What Virginia needs is lots of white guys carrying torches through the streets of Charlottesville. (That’s sarcasm. See how it works Sarah?) It’s hard to believe these tuna-can-heads think that they are being oppressed. This morning they returned in the light of day, armed with long guns, baseball bats, and shields. So… if you’re so oppressed, why didn’t the police mace the whole bunch of you and take all your toys? That’s what would have happened if 500 black protestors showed up with weapons to “protest.” Let’s be honest, these morons were showing up to start a war. I’ve got the perfect location for them: the 38th parallel. We could drop a bunch of sleeping gas on them, put them in shipping containers, and then they would wake up battle ready. After the war, they can stay in North Korea and fix everything since white folks are better at stuff than other people. (Sarcasm…again.) Of course, they would want to make sure that the statues of Kim Jong Un stay put…you know, because of history. 

The history of the souvlaki is also important to maintain. Invented in Greece and deconstructed in my belly.

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