Day 202

Welcome to the potential last day of the Trumplestilskin Administration, the last day of the good ol’ USA, the day when we get the backstory for Cormac Mccarthy’s The Road. 

If you missed President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin’s proclamation that North Korea was about to be met with “fire and fury” like they never imagined, you must have been spending your day streaming the last six seasons of Game of Thrones. (By the way, Fire and Fury is what Trump has nicknamed his fists…his tiny unused fists. Fire and Fury is also what Trump experiences on his Tweeting throne the day after eating a Trump Tower taco bowl.*) The rumor that Trump thought the next Fast and Furious movie was going to be called Fire and Fury is fake news. 

How did we get here? Well, a bunch of stupid people thought Hillary couldn’t be trusted with the nuclear codes because of her emails, so they voted for a four-year-old orangutan with the impulse control of a drunk Mickey Rourke…to Make America A Pile of Flaming Buildings Again. The good news for Trumplestilskin voters is that none of them live in an area worth a North Korean atomic bomb. So, if Un decides, “Well, I’m gonna die anyway, let’s go out like Thelma and Louise,” and shoots off all his weapons, most of middle America will still have their coal jobs and MAGA hats. It will be a lot easier to find coal too, because all the major cities will be covered in it. 

T-Rex Tillerson has ventured out of this underground bunker to let us know that America can sleep well because he’s got this thing covered. He didn’t reassure anyone living in Seoul, so if I had a house in the greater Seoul area I’d charge those credit cards to the max. (There are 9.85 million people living in Seoul and 17.5 in the greater Seoul area.) 

In “As if it Matters” news, the USDA has forbidden the term “climate change” to be used. The report coming out soon and released by the NYTimes has a pretty bleak vision of the future. Less rain in areas that need it, more rain in areas that will flood, raising ocean levels, and fire and fury in the rest of the nation. 

The mosque attack in Minnesota hasn’t been mentioned by the cheeto fingered hairdo in the Oval Office, because, as spokesman Sebastian “A Goatee Makes It Look Like I Have A Chin” Gorka said, “We can’t be sure who did it. It could have been someone from the left.” Yep, the violent leftists. Those guys always filling their Teslas (I had Prius…but what is the plural of Prius?) with bombs and driving them into mosques. Watch out, they might load a bunch of kale into McDonalds’ salads, or not shower for a week, or grow a protest beard. 

You know how to tell a leftist from a MAGA supporter? One will have a delicious souvlaki in his/her hand and the other one will be breathing through their mouth. 

*Diarrhea joke courtesy of D— M—.

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