Day 200

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumplestilskin found his cell phone this morning. Chief of Staff Machine Gun Kelly had hidden it in the vegetable drawer in the fridge knowing Trump would never look in there. Trump found it when he heard his familiar ring tone “You’re so Vain” playing in the fridge. His tiny cheeto fingers have been busy this morning. His target is Senator Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal appeared on a show Trumplestilskin doesn’t watch (according to the Orangutan in Chief). Blumenthal appeared on New Day on CNN. Soon after his appearance, which Trump would never see because it is fake news and failing news, he was attacked by Melania Trump’s enemy number one, the most abusive Cyber Bully in America: Donnie Sticky Fingers Trump. 

Now if I had six deferments for bone spurs in my heels, I would not attack someone who was serving in the Marines during Vietnam…but I’m not a pus-filled bag of angry ants. President El Quatro Loco went after Blumenthal’s Vietnam record and called him a crybaby. (Blumenthal never served in Vietnam but had a few statements that could be interpreted as having fought on the ground. He apologized for those statements which I am guessing is where Trumplestilskin is getting his crybaby stuff from.) 

My takeaways from this incident:

1. Trump thinks apologizing is being a crybaby. (Trump has apologized one time…after the Billy Bush Bus Bash Brain Bleed.)

2. Trump thinks he did nothing wrong by using his father’s influence to avoid combat. 

3. Trump’s name might be used in the future for a shorthand explanation of dramatic irony. (Biff Lowman was pulling a Trump when he said Willy was the best dad ever.)

4. Trump has no shame, no moral compass, no filter, no sense, no empathy, and no judgement. 

Why did he start tweeting this morning? It was raining in New Jersey and he couldn’t get out on the golf course. (Not fake news.) 

Kayleigh McEnany is the new face of Trump Newz. You’ll remember her as the blonde Trump surrogate who would appear on CNN in shirts two sizes too small. The one who looks like a dead-eyed Barbie. The one who would lie without blinking. The one who could turn any question into a statement about email security. (I realize there are about ten Trump surrogates who fit this description, but she is the youngest of the bunch.) She is hosting the weekly propaganda show produced in Trump Tower that promises to bring the real news. Isn’t it cute when fascist autocracies are so young and innocent? I mean, they are so warm a fuzzy, making America great and all. Once they start walking and getting their hands on everything…well that can be a tough transition. Of course, no one likes those difficult teen years of fascist dictatorships…the mood swings, the irrational actions, but when they are just getting started they are so darling, you just want to give them a big hug. 

You know what feels like a big hug for your stomach? A souvlaki.

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