A Year Of tRUMP

Day 195

Watching President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut Von Trumpenstein govern is a lot like watching a dog try to pick up two things with its mouth. “Let me see. I have this thing in my mouth, but I want that thing. Wait …I just dropped the first thing. I’ll try again. Oh…it happened again. I’m going to keep doing this…forever.”

I’m not sure which train wreck on Planet Trump to address first, but here we go…The Orangutan from the Golden Tower reportedly said that the reason he spends his weekends away from the White House is because it is “a dump.” No, a dump is what is on your head. Two dumps if you’re wearing a Make America Great Again hat. I don’t know about the rest of you, but calling the White House a dump is kind of like calling every mom in America fat and ugly. Beyond that, there is the implication that this house is not good enough for PAOJCLDVT (President Agent Orange….). Only Trump could say something that moronic. Let’s imagine Trump at a few other historical locations: 

“Versailles is a dump. It doesn’t even have air conditioning.” 

“The pyramids are all falling apart. What poor craftsmanship.” 

“It isn’t even that great, this Great Wall of China. I could fly my helicopter right over it. What were they thinking?”

Trump’s interview with the WSJournal is another dive into the mental illness of America’s least favorite, crazy, bigoted uncle. Reading the interview is what it must be like to have a concussion. You think you are understanding what is being said, but then when you realize that what is being said makes no sense. The Boy Scout jamboree came up and Trump talked about the crowd size and then said that the leader of the Boy Scouts called him to say that it was the best speech ever. The Boy Scouts of America said no one called Trump. Possible explanations: 

1. Trump is lying. 

2. The Boy Scouts of America are lying. 

3. A morning DJ prank called Trump and said he was the leader of the Boy Scouts. 

4. Trump’s brain doesn’t work. 

5. President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Susan Rice paid ISIS to attack the Benghazi compound, causing a series of chain-reactions leading to the election of an idiot. 

Speaking of Hillary. It turns out the conspiracy idiots who brought you the “There’s a child sex ring lead by Hillary in the basement of a pizza parlor in WA DC” have been caught again in a lie. (For the record, there isn’t even a basement in the pizza parlor in question.) This conspiracy theory circles around the death of DNC worker Seth Rich. Seth Rich was murdered in a botched robbery in DC. Faux Newz reported that Rich was killed by Hillary because he leaked emails to Wikileaks. That was picked up by Alex “My Face is Red Because I’m Constipated” Jones at InfoWars, Newt “Is My First Wife Dead Yet? Because I Found Another One” Gingrich, and Sean “My Head is Shaped like a Box because it’s empty” Hannity. The fake news spread like most conspiracy theories on the internet (one idiot passing on information to another idiot). Eventually, Faux Newz retracted the story…and now the other shoe has dropped. A lawsuit that was just filed claims that Trump read the article and wanted Faux to push the story. This is how the media works in countries like Russia and China. It isn’t supposed to work that way here. 

Finally, the DOJ is going to shift money used to investigate civil rights abuses into a new fund to investigate affirmative action on college campuses. Apparently, white males like myself have been getting screwed over by colleges. As a white male, I just want to thank everyone for looking out for me. It’s about time that someone in power helped those of us in power to get more power. If there is one motto, I live by it is, “We might have 95% of the power, but why don’t we have 100%?” 

If you need evidence that white males already have advantages in our country all you have to do is look to see who is living in that “dump” on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. 

I want the DOJ to investigate why I can’t get a souvlaki in every town in America…that’s a true crime.

Categories: A Year Of tRUMP

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