Yikes, I just finished my post and 98.7% got erased. So here is a revised and shortened version. Agent Orange Julius Caesar Lord Dampnut* Von Trumpenstein and Vlad “The Election Impaler” Putin are fighting. BFF fights are the worst. Lord Dampnut is going to have to return the signed 8×10 signed, glossy photo of a shirtless Vlad riding a unicorn. Vlad is going to return a well-used VHS tape and the keys to the Wikipedia office. 

755 American diplomats are going to be sent back to the US where Lord Dampnut has arranged for them to get jobs in a coal mine, or at a Carrier plant in Indiana. (Carrier has used their $16 million tax break from Indiana to automate the plant. So those jobs won’t go to Mexico, they’ll go to Skynet.)

Oh, and Russia said they are going to use their rich toolbox of measures to retaliate against the US. This rich toolbox is a flathead screwdriver and two IKEA Allen wrenches…or financial information connecting THE KUSH and Lord Dampnut to Russian oligarchs. 

China told the orangutan from the golden tower that they couldn’t do anything with North Korea on their own. Lord Dampnut asked them to cut off the supply of Mandarin Orange Chicken from Panda Express to Un. China said, “What’s Panda Express?” Agent Orange said, “It’s a traditional Chinese restaurant. I love the Chinese! They make the best railroads and chop sticks.” 

Lord Dampnut spent his weekend on the links. That makes 43 out of 193 days on the job that he has been golfing. Remember when he said he was going to work, work, work…there would be no time for golf? Yep, apparently that was a lie. That’s okay, the red states still love that he is Making America Golf Again. It was so disrespectful when Obama golfed. (I’m trying to put my finger on how these two presidents are different…what could it be?) If we really want to Make America Great Again we need to add BEMS to the acronym. Make American Great Again By Eating More Souvlaki. 

*(Thanks to Justin for the anagram.)