Day 192

President Donald Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumpinstein has taken to twitter to solve the nation’s problems. His tiny orange cheeto-like fingers sent a strongly worded warning to North Korea by saying that China isn’t helping us at all. I’m starting to see a trend here. Trump never directly addresses any problem, but triangulates it, and bullies the third party to do his dirty work. Unfortunately, China isn’t on The Apprentice. China isn’t the US State Department. China isn’t our little brother who we can send out to punch somebody in the nose. China is a nation that is probably saying to everyone in their country, “See what happens when you get to vote for your leaders. You end up with a North American Orangutan with dementia.” 

Donnie “Hair-club for Men By Windstorm” Trumpinator also sent out a tweet saying that he was going to end the insurance company bailouts if Obamacare doesn’t disappear. The problem with this tweet is that it makes no sense. No one is sure what he means. Is he making a threat to stop federal funding to insurance markets? Does he even know how Obamacare works? I’d be willing to bet he couldn’t pass the true/false test I have created below.

1. Obamacare is a nickname for The Affordable Care Act. 

2. The death panels formed by Obamacare have only killed Faux Newz viewers. 

3. Each state has the option to receive more federal funding to expand medicaid.

4. When someone says that their hands aren’t small and “I guarantee you there’s no problem”…there is a problem. 

5. Bailout is a word that means something different than you think it does. 

Key: T, F, T, T, T

Vlad the Election Impaler Putin is saying that if the US puts more sanctions on Russia, he will retaliate. I’m not sure if that means we will have to do without those fine Russian products everyone needs: Beets, videotapes of prostitutes in hotel rooms, nesting dolls, and access to the book “An Idiots Guide To Electing A Pea-brained Misogynist Orangutan.” 

In the back rooms of the White House, Kansas Secretary of State Kris “Karl” Kobach is doing what he can do to prove there was voter fraud in the last election and that Donnie won the popular vote. KKK is asking for lots of information on voters, but what he isn’t releasing are the meeting notes from his discussions with the Trumpster. (Rhymes with dumpster and smells about the same.) Here is a condensed version of the instructions Trump gave to KKK: “You know how the map was all red. There was hardly any blue, because Crooked Hillary, a nasty lady. I mean a really nasty lady. I’m not saying that. People are. People are saying that. They say, “You know. Trump won the election.” It was a beautiful election. On the night when I won, it was a beautiful night. I rolled over in bed and said to Ivanka…I mean Melania. I said, ‘Look at all that red.’ I’ll have to send a thank you note to Vlad. Do you think he’ll be my friend? What was I talking about? Yes, look into the voter fraud and make me win.” 

The furniture is getting rearranged in the Oval Office this week and the Trump administration is pivoting. White House Chief of Staff Machine Gun Kelly is going to find out the hard way that Trump isn’t a normal human. I’m betting it will be about three days before he is overwhelmed by the job. Remember, he is coming from Homeland Security…I think controlling Trump is harder than keeping terrorists out of the country. 

The thing I have the hardest time controlling is my appetite for souvlaki.

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