Day 191

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Von Trumpinstein gave a speech to a police organization yesterday where he said that roughing up people is a good idea. That’s some tough talk for a guy with bone spurs so severe that he couldn’t fight in Nam. The police organization came out afterwards and said they didn’t approve of police brutality. So, for the record, Trump’s last two speeches have been followed up by statements from the organizations saying they didn’t agree with what the President said. Thanks Obama! Can’t wait until Trump speaks to a KKK rally. “We’re about racism, threatening violence, and burning crosses, Mr. Trump’s statements do not reflect the longstanding beliefs held by the KKK.”

Trump’s multidimensional chess game taking place inside the Oval Office (aka random impulses from a demented mind) took another shake of the magic eight ball. Reince “Spell Check Thinks My Name is Rice” Priebus has been told to get his mini-fridge together and hit the bricks. Priebus has survived a few disasters in his time (2012 elections, 2016 Argentinean locus storm) but he could not survive Hurricane Donald. 

Trump has named John “Machine Gun” Kelly to take over for Reince. Kelly is an ex-general with a reputation for discipline. Good luck, Buddy Boy. I don’t know how anyone is ever going to be able to contain the force of nature known as the Trump administration. I’ve got five dollars that says that by the end of August Steve “I Practice Yoga for Different Reasons Than You” Bannon and Kelly will be in a caged battle to the death in the Oval Office. 

Oh, North Korea shot off another ICBM. I thought this was going to stop once we elected a Presidential Orangutan. 

Also, I missed reporting that the racist Georgian gnome said he agrees with Trump, “Sessions sucks.” Sessions seems to have adopted the hybrid attitude of the Albino Priest from The Da Vinci Code and Kevin Bacon in Animal House. (Thank you, sir. May I have another?)

In case you were under the impression that Trump knew how government works, he threatened to veto the Russian Sanctions bill that passed through the House and Senate…with VETO PROOF majorities. Once someone said, “You can’t veto something with a veto proof majority.” Trump said, “Oh, who knew?” The answer to that is pretty much everyone who watched School of Rock’s “I’m Just Bill” cartoon. 

Anthony “I Play An Italian Stereotype On TV” Scaramucci’s wife has had enough of his “naked ambition” and wants out of their marriage. “The Mooch” doesn’t care, he’s in a love affair with an Orange Man with tiny, soft hands. 

Personally, I’m in love with souvlaki.

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