Day 187

OMG! I don’t even know where to begin. China is beefing up troops on the North Korean border because they think Donnie Tiny Orange Fingers is getting ready to attack North Korea. T-Rex Tillerson is thinking about quitting because of President Agent Orange Julius Caesar is acting “unprofessionally.” (What was the tipping point Mr. Tillerson? Unprofessional activities have been happening for 187 days. I’m really curious about what did it. Walking around the Oval Office in a pair of Roman sandals and nothing else? Spending four hours a day in his underpants watching Fox and Friends? Talking to Vlad the Election Impaler without a translator? Or was it Trump’s speech to the boy scouts? Let’s come back to this in a minute.)

THE KUSH testified yesterday behind the velvet curtain. His statement afterwards sounded like Sean Spicy Spicer wrote it. “I never, ever did anything bad.” I hope when THE KUSH’s voice finally changes that he sounds more like an adult. 

John McCain is off his deathbed and heading to vote on whether the rest of the country should have healthcare. Yep…I’d love to think that his near-death experience will grant him the freedom to act like a true maverick and tell the Turtle-Necked one to shove it, but I’m not holding my breath. 

Donnie Hairdo gave another speech that should cause all of us to wonder if he is dealing with a full deck of cards. The boy scouts of America had their annual jamboree invaded by the scrotum necked Trumpenstein monster. In a setting much like Triumph of the Will, Trump gave what can only be described as a rambling ode to mental illness. He kicked it off by saying, “Who wants to talk politics when I’m with the boy scouts?” He then spent the next hour ranting about politics. CNN has the 29 most cringe worthy statements made by Trump during the speech. He covered everything from his friend who partied and had too much sex, to how everyone will be able to say Merry Christmas in six months, to how he needs more boy scouts around him…Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions is an Eagle scout, but nowhere to be found. (I believe he is trapped in a bottle in Trump’s office. Trump put a Keebler cookie in there to lure Sessions into the bottle.) You know what every jamboree needs? Sexual innuendo talks of loyalty pledges, and a retelling of the great electoral college victory of 2016. Maybe it is just me, but I don’t really think this was a good branding opportunity for Trump: lots of kids in brown shirts saying oaths. Someone should have pointed out to Trump that the boy scouts are an international organization so all his talk of the importance of patriotism should be tempered by the knowledge that the US has 2.9 million scouts, India has 3.3 million, and Indonesia has 21 million. If we get in a boy scout war with Indonesia, we are going to get our asses handed to us. (Our boy scouts might outweigh the Indonesians, but those kids probably don’t spend their free time playing video games. I’ll bet they’re out in the jungle killing things.) 

You know who was never, could never be, in the boy scouts? Donald J Trump. First off, his tiny thumb can’t reach across to his pinky finger so he can’t do the pledge. He can’t remember anything so his boy scout pledge would go something like this, “On my honor, I pledge to do my best…like I did when I beat Crooked Hillary in the popular vote. I would have won if they didn’t let all those illegal people vote, you know the brown ones, like Obama. Obama wasn’t even born in this country. I’m not saying that lots of people are. I don’t know. He probably wasn’t born here. Who knows? It’s like healthcare. Who knew it was so difficult? Who could know? I know lots. I have a very good brain, but I didn’t know. But for $12 a year you can get your health insurance and then when you get old, you get it all back. Garble, garble, garble.” Nope, he’s no boy scout. 

You know what else can’t have a cheap substitute? Souvlaki!

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