Day: January 2, 2021

Day 180

The wealthcare bill appears to be dead…but like all horror movies it’ll probably start twitching a finger and then be gone when we look out the window tomorrow. Donnie “You’re going to get tired of winning” Trumpenstein has taken the failure like all great leaders, he’s tweeting like a crybaby who just lost his/her seat on Delta airlines. (If you missed it, Ann Coulter got treated like a regular American on an airline and decided it was unfair. Too bad there aren’t regulations where airlines are fined for doing that in the US like there are in Europe.)

Trump’s tweets read like all his tweets, a mixture of fantasy and confusion. “Who knew healthcare could be this complicated?” My favorite tweet is the one where he says, “I always said let ObamaCare fail and then we’ll come together and do a great healthcare plan.” Yep, that’s exactly what you said, right? Big Brother would be so proud of how Trump believes his own delusional thinking. At the end of one of his tweets where he blamed a few republicans and all the democrats for Trumpcare’s failure, he said he would return. I wonder if he got his google search mixed up with that one. Did he mean to type in McCarthy quotes, but typed in MacArthur quotes instead? 

Our dealmaker, the great negotiator, the cherry on the top of a mountain of bs, can’t get a bill to pass through the senate even though he has control of both houses. Remember how he excoriated the “stupid” deals everyone made before he became our national embarrassment and global joke? People actually believed him…people still believe him. 

MSNBC said Agent Orange Trump was impotent. It might be the perfect word to describe a 70-year-old man who can’t get his legislative members up to vote for his signature campaign promise. He can’t erect a wall. He can’t get Kim Jong Un to stop shooting off rockets. He can’t maintain a firm handshake with Macron. His floppy ties, his limp hair, his fascination with Putin’s hard line diplomacy, and his lies about the size of Tump tower, and his hand size all point to one thing…too bad there isn’t a little blue pill to fix what is really wrong with Mr. Trump. His low energy and inability to focus at the G20 shows Mr. Trump has lost it. Things fall apart, the center cannot hold…yada yada yada…he cannot focus, cannot lead, cannot do anything but wander the oval office looking for a door. (I never realized why it was round, now it all makes sense.) 

How much longer will it take before the Trump supporters figure out that they were sold snake oil and not a blue pill that will make America great again. 

One thing is guaranteed, a good souvlaki never goes limp.

Day 181

Trump’s Russian complications keep having complications. It’s like those hidden Russian dolls, each time we open one there’s another one revealed. We found out yesterday that Don-Fredo Jr’s meeting had an eighth member there. Note the changes…first, about adoption with one lawyer…now, eight people crowded into a gilded room smelling like a mixture of Axe body spray and borsch. (I believe the next person to be revealed at the meeting will be Little Finger. Not the Orange Little Finger, but the guy from Game of Thrones.)

The other meeting everyone is talking about is Agent Orange Trump’s off the record meeting with Putin. The meeting lasted an hour and Trump used the Russian translator instead of one from the US because Trump is used to outsourcing jobs. I created a transcript for those of you who missed it: 

DJT: Hey, Vlad. I hear Russian women keep themselves in very good shape.

VP: That’s right. Aren’t you married?

DJT: I am, but you never know when I might need to trade in my Slovenian model for a newer Russian one. 

VP: Don’t women find you disgusting?

DJT: Sure, bigly. 

VP: Well, I think we could find a new one for you if you gave us back our US compounds, stopped the sanctions, looked the other way while we took over Ukraine, Poland, Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania. 

DJT: That sounds great. 

VP: Really?

DJT: That’s why they call me the deal maker. 

The rest of the meeting (57 minutes) was a handshake that neither man was willing to end. 

In other diplomatic activity, Trump told PM May that he would come to England when the press was nicer to him. Yep, he’ll never visit. The English press will be like the Royal Air Force during WWII and prevent a Tumpian invasion by calling him Donnie Small Fingers and The Talking Meat Pie. 

In other press news, Charles “I look like Jabba the Hut” Krauthammer called the failure of the senate wealthcare an epic failure. I’d rather have the bill fail than have 22 million people without health insurance, but that’s just me. I was raised to believe that corporations aren’t actually people and can do without their bonuses. People who argue that we can’t afford single payer in our country need to look at how much insurance companies have made in the past 8 years. Trump’s “let Obamacare fail” because it won’t be his fault is an interesting leadership track. Obamacare to single payer is a few easy steps. 

The voter purges are coming according to Twitter. I may be blowing things out of proportion, but this is the type of action that leads to dictatorships. If that’s what you want, then look who is next in line to the throne…Don Fredo. That should scare all of you, no matter which side of the political spectrum you’re on. (The two sides: good and evil.) 

Something that could bring us together is a delicious souvlaki.

Day 182

That tiny bump you felt on the Trump bus wasn’t a little pebble in the road it was Jeffro “tiny racist hands make the best crackers” Bowdeen Sessions. The racist Elfin King of the Department of Justice got tossed under the bus yesterday in a NYTimes interview with President Agent Orange Trump. If you have time, read the transcript of the interview…it is awesome…that is, if you like watching YouTube videos of car crashes and people falling out of trees. 

The interview starts with a question about lunch. Trump’s answer rambles for three incoherent paragraphs about Hillary and Obama’s failures with healthcare. Then they move on to Trump’s trip to Paris. Trump says that even his enemies in the press said he delivered the best speech ever given by a president on foreign soil…when he was in Poland. Poland and Paris aren’t the same place, but they do both start with P, and pee is something Trump must connect to Europe. (Insert your own P/pee joke here.) Trump then says how much Macron likes to hold Trump’s hand. Which is kind of funny. Trump describes the Bastille Day parade as “super-duper” and he really liked all the planes “more than the super bowl.” The interview then moves to Comey, Russia, and Sessions. Sessions really gets taken to the Trump woodshed because Trump believes Sessions should not have taken the job if he was just going to recuse himself. (Sessions was the senator who first supported Trump. Bannon came to Sessions and said, “Hey, you know how we hate everyone who isn’t white? Well, get behind Trump and we can push all those brown people out of the voting booth and country.” I’m paraphrasing, but this is actually how Bannon got Sessions on board…I’m not making that up.) Well, Trump tosses Sessions under the bus, then Rothenstein (because he’s from Baltimore), and then Comey and Mueller. It’s a really interesting interview if you can get past the fact that this pus-filled bladder of anger is our president. 

In other news, Trump ended the CIA funding of Syrian rebels…I guess Putin’s hour long, undocumented discussion with The Orange Man Who Knew Too Little paid off. 

Senator John McCain is having some serious health problems and things don’t look good. He will get the best care in the US and have a great chance to continue living a productive life. He won’t have to face bankruptcy, he won’t have to start a GoFundMe account, he won’t even have to pay anything out of pocket, but when he returns to his work, he will have a preexisting condition and then he will get to vote on whether Obamacare should be revoked…32 million people would lose healthcare according to the CBO. I hope the part of his brain that still works is the part that processes emotions and has empathy…I think most of his colleagues had that part removed years ago. 

I’m sure McCain has some regrets in his political life and if he were to give advice it would be to eat more souvlaki.

Day 183

The Trump White House is shuffling the deck as Pit Boss Mueller tightens his investigative noose. It appears Mueller’s investigation is making connections between Agent Orange Trump’s businessEs and Russia. (That E won’t let me make it lowercase…ahh!!!!) The Trumpenstien plan appears to be: Make Mueller look like he is a democratic hit man. This will be a challenge for the orange man with the big plans and tiny hands because when it comes to the old veritas he doesn’t have much experience. (I seem to remember veritas means truth in Latin, but I could be wrong. In these times, the truth takes a backseat to cool looking words…”I know all the big words…I know the Latin words…or not.”) Trump might be playing multidimensional chess, or he might be playing Jenga with the Constitution and USA. 

Exxon has been fined by the Trump administration for dealing with Russian while T-Rex Tillerson was the CEO. I’m not surprised. Tillerson was seen taking out his wallet and asking if he could pay in cash. The only thing with more Russian ties than Exxon is Trailer Park Team Trump. 

My favorite story in the news is about the Japanese PM’s wife. Trump sat next to her at the G20 dinner and told the NYTimes that she didn’t speak any English…”zero.” There is plenty of evidence of her speaking English to other people. So, was she pretending not to understand so she wouldn’t have to talk to The Orange Julius Caesar? Or…is the real problem that Trump really doesn’t speak English? You be the judge. Read his NYTimes’ interview. Most of his sentences start and then go wandering in the woods. The words are English, but the sentences might as well be Navaho. (Donald Trump, wind talker.)

The lesson we can take away from this is that Trump is easily fooled and doesn’t have the basic life skills to communicate with a lady without getting grabby. If there’s anything I need to grab it’s a souvlaki.

Day 184

What a day. Sean Spicy Spicy Spicer took his podium of lies and headed back to his sandbox. I will miss the Spicemaster General. Let’s remember the good old days instead of dwelling on the negative. Sean Spicer was the best White House Press Secretary ever PERIOD! He told the most truths PERIOD!

Hangman Mueller is walking around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in a black hooded robe and carrying a scythe. Mueller has asked the WH staff to preserve all records related to Don-Fredo Jr. If I were Don-Fredo, I would not get in any boats near Lake Tahoe. Turns out the lawyer who Don Jr met with to talk about “adoption” worked for the KGB before. Adoption keeps coming up in discussions about Russia. Is Russian trying to adopt the USA? I’m not okay with a stepdad like Putin. My current country-dad is a total jerk, but at least he harmlessly watches tv all day and eats chocolate cake. 

My favorite racist gnome, Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions, forgot that he met with the Russian Ambassador before the election. Jeffro’s brain must not work that well. He has forgotten so many Russian meetings that I’m beginning to believe he has that disease that causes people to have face blindness. If the reports are true then Sessions has perjured himself. Time to buy a tiny gnome-like prison cell.

THE KUSH forgot 77 things to declare on his paperwork worth over 100 million dollars. (At least he doesn’t have 99 problems like Jay Z. THE KUSH might have a problem in the one area in which Jay Z has none.) How does someone who has a brain that cannot remember anything make a $100 million? THE KUSH needs to start watching prison movies to prepare himself for the next twenty years. Unless…President Agent Orange pardons him. 

The only crime I want a pardon from is souvlaki rage.

Day 185

I hate it when I forget to declare a billion-dollar loan. I mean it happens, sometimes. If you’re THE KUSH it happens when you’re filling out your disclosure paperwork. Why would you forget? Maybe because you’re too busy meeting with Russians secretively, or maybe you did it on purpose because you know the disclosure will connect you to illegal activities.

Poor, poor Sean Spicy Spicy Spicer was seen last night leaving the White House…dragging a mini fridge down the driveway. This really happened. Maybe he is preparing to write a book about dragging a mini fridge around the country. (It’s been done: Round Ireland with a Fridge. Funny book.) I’d feel bad for the spicy one if he hadn’t spent the last 185 days lying. I can’t wait for his tell-all book: Life Under Fire: Sean Spicer’s Six Months on the grill. 

We should have the orange faced Ompa Lompas drag off each ex-Trump employee. Watch your tiny racist back Sessions! The little men are looking for you. 

Congress is voting to prevent Agent Orange Julius Caesar from removing sanctions on Russia. Yep, that doesn’t smell like something rotten in the state of the Union. 

Something that always smells good is souvlaki!

Day 186

As I type this, THE KUSH is behind the curtain in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee. He won’t be talking in public because what he might say is TOP SECRET. Who is more trustworthy than this guy? I mean, if THE KUSH has top secret clearance, then shouldn’t we all have it too? 

He released an eleven-page document before heading into testify. In the document he says he met with the Russians four times and had no idea that the Don-Fredo meeting was about getting information on Clinton from the Russians…the subject line for the email was “Re: Russia – Clinton – private and confidential.” I’m not sure how you could mistake this subject line for something else, but it seems pretty clear to me. 

THE KUSH is testifying but will not be under oath…by his request. It is against the law to lie to congress, so why is THE KUSH so worried about being under oath? I have a feeling the laws surrounding lying to congress and the laws for perjury are different, but I’m no lawyer so I’ll leave that up to the people with law degrees. 

Here’s what we do know: THE KUSH has already been caught lying about 50 times, he still has his top-secret clearance, he sounds like Michael Cera when he talks, and he has reworked his White House paperwork more times than Axl Rose did when recording Chinese Democracy. 

THE KUSH’s buddy in crime, Paul “Hey, Yous Guys” Manafort will be talking to congress soon too. I’m betting Manafort will be getting sized up for some concrete galoshes if his testimony doesn’t match up to THE KUSH’s. 

Poor Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions is getting the Trump treatment. Trump called the tiny racist gnome “beleaguered” in a tweet today. He didn’t even have the courtesy to use his name, he just called him the “beleaguered AG.” 

Here’s my prediction, Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpenstein is hoping Sessions will get sick of all this abuse and move back to his cookie making tree. Then Hairdo Donnie can replace Sessions with Rudy “I can say 9-11 more than you” Giuliani. Giuliani would fire Mueller and replace him with a fire hydrant named Bob. Bob would spend four years doing nothing and Trump’s supporters could say, “See, I told you it was a nothing burger.” This would put me in really tough spot because I’m not sure how my campaign promise to post this same stupid video everyday applies to a second Trump term. I’m pretty sure we will all be dead before that would happen, so we have that going for us. Until then, enjoy life and have one more souvlaki.

Day 187

OMG! I don’t even know where to begin. China is beefing up troops on the North Korean border because they think Donnie Tiny Orange Fingers is getting ready to attack North Korea. T-Rex Tillerson is thinking about quitting because of President Agent Orange Julius Caesar is acting “unprofessionally.” (What was the tipping point Mr. Tillerson? Unprofessional activities have been happening for 187 days. I’m really curious about what did it. Walking around the Oval Office in a pair of Roman sandals and nothing else? Spending four hours a day in his underpants watching Fox and Friends? Talking to Vlad the Election Impaler without a translator? Or was it Trump’s speech to the boy scouts? Let’s come back to this in a minute.)

THE KUSH testified yesterday behind the velvet curtain. His statement afterwards sounded like Sean Spicy Spicer wrote it. “I never, ever did anything bad.” I hope when THE KUSH’s voice finally changes that he sounds more like an adult. 

John McCain is off his deathbed and heading to vote on whether the rest of the country should have healthcare. Yep…I’d love to think that his near-death experience will grant him the freedom to act like a true maverick and tell the Turtle-Necked one to shove it, but I’m not holding my breath. 

Donnie Hairdo gave another speech that should cause all of us to wonder if he is dealing with a full deck of cards. The boy scouts of America had their annual jamboree invaded by the scrotum necked Trumpenstein monster. In a setting much like Triumph of the Will, Trump gave what can only be described as a rambling ode to mental illness. He kicked it off by saying, “Who wants to talk politics when I’m with the boy scouts?” He then spent the next hour ranting about politics. CNN has the 29 most cringe worthy statements made by Trump during the speech. He covered everything from his friend who partied and had too much sex, to how everyone will be able to say Merry Christmas in six months, to how he needs more boy scouts around him…Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions is an Eagle scout, but nowhere to be found. (I believe he is trapped in a bottle in Trump’s office. Trump put a Keebler cookie in there to lure Sessions into the bottle.) You know what every jamboree needs? Sexual innuendo talks of loyalty pledges, and a retelling of the great electoral college victory of 2016. Maybe it is just me, but I don’t really think this was a good branding opportunity for Trump: lots of kids in brown shirts saying oaths. Someone should have pointed out to Trump that the boy scouts are an international organization so all his talk of the importance of patriotism should be tempered by the knowledge that the US has 2.9 million scouts, India has 3.3 million, and Indonesia has 21 million. If we get in a boy scout war with Indonesia, we are going to get our asses handed to us. (Our boy scouts might outweigh the Indonesians, but those kids probably don’t spend their free time playing video games. I’ll bet they’re out in the jungle killing things.) 

You know who was never, could never be, in the boy scouts? Donald J Trump. First off, his tiny thumb can’t reach across to his pinky finger so he can’t do the pledge. He can’t remember anything so his boy scout pledge would go something like this, “On my honor, I pledge to do my best…like I did when I beat Crooked Hillary in the popular vote. I would have won if they didn’t let all those illegal people vote, you know the brown ones, like Obama. Obama wasn’t even born in this country. I’m not saying that lots of people are. I don’t know. He probably wasn’t born here. Who knows? It’s like healthcare. Who knew it was so difficult? Who could know? I know lots. I have a very good brain, but I didn’t know. But for $12 a year you can get your health insurance and then when you get old, you get it all back. Garble, garble, garble.” Nope, he’s no boy scout. 

You know what else can’t have a cheap substitute? Souvlaki!

Day 188

Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpenstein has announced that transgender people will not be allowed in the military because of “medical costs and disruption that transgender in the military would entail.” I don’t know where to start with this bit of twitter wisdom. I don’t watch Faux News, but I have a feeling that the republican propaganda wing (Faux News) is behind this. The subtext seems to be that transgender people join the military so they can have sex changes paid for by tax dollars. Okay…that’s insane, but Trump has been insane in the membrane for about 70 years now, so that’s not news. People join the military for different reasons. Some join because they want to serve their country. Some join because they want to shoot guns and kill people. Some join because they have no other option. Some join because it is a family tradition. I’m pretty sure no one has ever joined to get a sex change. It’s like hearing that you can get free dental care in prison so you go out and kill someone so you can get your teeth fixed. 

Maybe The Man With Tiny Orange Hands is angry because Justin Trudeau is going to be on the cover of Rolling Stone and Trump is like, “I want to be on the cover of Combat Tactics. I know what I’ll do, ban transgender people. Ya, that’s tactical and combatty.” 

John “I was an American Hero, Now I’m a Flaccid Vessel of Hot Air” McCain returned to the Senate yesterday to vote to repeal Obamacare. He gave a great speech about working together to solve problems and doing good stuff for the American people, and then he voted to debate taking away healthcare. Senator Murkowski voted against it and the man with tiny orange fingers tweeted that she let America down. Don’t worry big guy (and by that I mean fat) we are used to republicans letting us down. 

So, what is the danger in debating the healthcare bill? Well, The Turtle-Necked-Bug-Faced-Bag-of-Kentucky-Fart-Wind can move the bill around and modify it without a CBO score and then shove it on through. It looks like debate, it smells like debate, but it really isn’t debate. So, McCain’s “I voted to debate the bill” defense doesn’t cut it. 

Senator Susan Collins, my favorite republican, was caught on a hot mic talking about how ugly a congressman is. It was a great bit of turn around, usually republicans on hot mics are talking about buying furniture for ladies they are trying to sleep with. 

Put a hot mic on me and you’ll hear me extoll the deliciousness of souvlaki.

Day 189

President Agent Orange Julius Caesar Trumpenstein took to twitter yesterday to announce that he was kicking all transgender people out of the military because they were too expensive. (More military money is spent on Viagra than on transgender healthcare. I don’t even want to know why that much is spent on Viagra; I’m just passing on information.) Trump’s little orange fingers must have been AWOL from his brain because everyone was caught off guard by his proclamation. Everyone…even the Joint Chiefs of Staff…the guys running the military did not know the Presidential Orangutan was going to make this change. Like all Orangutans, they gave him a banana and turned-on Faux News to draw his attention away from doing actual damage to the country. For the time being, it sounds like the proclamation will be put next in a file called “Trump Promises…burn in 2020.” 

The Senate voted on a straight repeal of ObamaCare yesterday…and the GOP lost. After seven years of trying to repeal ObamaCare, they couldn’t pull the trigger to kill 22 million people’s healthcare. They will be voting on a skinny repeal soon. The skinny repeal will starve the insurance markets driving up prices and eventually killing ObamaCare. The thinking is that if they starve it, then their voters will think it was still Obama’s fault. I hate to say it, but they are probably right. If it takes more than one step in thinking, then it is hard for a Faux News watcher to keep track of what is going on…unless it is Benghazi, or the mysterious murders committed by Hillary Clinton. 

Trump keeps abusing Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions. He has become Trump’s tiny piñata that is being batted around the Oval Office. I’d feel bad for the tiny racist gnome if it weren’t for the things he has done, believes, and wants to do. It is a little like watching a movie so bad you can’t look away. (The Shallows is a movie that comes to mind.) Lindsay “My Momma Didn’t Raise No Fool” Graham has said that if Sessions is fired “holy hell” will break loose. Um…I don’t believe that at all. Remember Lindsay was the guy who Trump destroyed in the primary by releasing his phone number to the public. Yeah, and what did Lindsay do? He filmed an ad of him smashing his phone. The GOP can’t stand up to Trump now. Not after he has carpet bombed the party. Ted “That Guy is a Lying Snake” Cruz called Trump every name in the book before endorsing him. I could go on, and on, and on, but instead think back to Jason “I Can’t Look My Wife and Daughter in the Eye” Chaffetz, Mitt “Meet Me For Dinner” Romney, Jeb “Low Energy” Bush, Little Marco Rubio…yep, you spineless wimps aren’t going to say squat to Trump if he fires Sessions. Trump has deep fried, scorched, and BBQed the GOP.

Speaking of grilled meats, I could go for a souvlaki.

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