Day: May 2, 2015

A Thousand Tiny Scratches

Today is exactly three months from the day we began this journey. Three months none of us will ever forget. Three months filled with moments of terror, joy, and pain. Today, around 3 PM, the last few ounces of Etoposide will drip out of the clear bag, flow through the plastic tubing, move past Dylan’s rubber port, and enter his blood stream an inch or so above his heart.

When this started Dr. Pagel said, “This will take four to six months.” At the time, it seemed unendingly long, but now I am amazed at how quickly it has passed. Monday morning I will be back at work and life will return to something called normal, but life is never normal. There will still be doctor’s visits, blood draws, and the month-long wait before the CT scan tells us if all of this worked; that fear sits close to the surface.

On Wednesday, three days into this stay, Dylan had gained 10 pounds. Rapid weight gain was the first sign that Dylan had cancer. When Joanna came around for her rounds, word had gotten out about his weight gain. She started her visit with Dylan in the same direct fashion that only someone who has done a difficult job for years can muster, it is a directness all of us have come to appreciate, “So dude, you’ve been gaining weight. Don’t worry, it isn’t your cancer returning. We’re pumping you full of fluids. We’ll slow it down.” Relief.

Our last stay has been marked by lots of statements that begin with, “This is the last time we will…” The last spinal shot, the last bag of Ifos, the last round of Cytarabine, the last night in Swedish, the last morning. It is the last for us…if everything goes as planned. Around four PM today, Dylan will ring the bell and we will celebrate. We will go home. Dylan will be very sick for a few days and then he will get better. The blood draws will stop. The antibiotics will be gone and his hair will grow back. Our personal journey will be done, but the 12th floor at Swedish will be full.

Tuesday morning, just after waking up, I sat staring at the floor. (This is what people who blog do. They look at the floor, or their belly button and then write about it.) It is easy to forget how pervasive cancer is in our world until you begin to think about it. Swedish is just one hospital in one city. Seattle has three or four more hospitals treating cancers. Each city has at least one cancer care facility and each of those hospitals is filled with patients. The number of people who have been in room 1266 alone is staggering. I know this because of the thousands of tiny scratches in the linoleum. The marks of people passing through this room are not recorded anywhere, there is no wooden beam to carve “Dylan was here” into, but there are accidental scratches and dents in the room that hold the story of cancer.

Hospitals are full of impermanent things. Empty bags of saline are tossed out. Purple rubber gloves are used once and then rolled into a ball and disposed of. Little blue plastic caps connecting the IV lines are sanitized and dropped in the trash. Everything in a hospital is designed to avoid decay. Use it, toss it out and nothing can decay, but beneath the surface of impermanence are the thousand scratches of lives that have passed through this place before we arrived. Our story is personal, but sadly, it is not unique. Many of the scratches have been left by people like us, the survivors, but there are also the many scratches left by people who did not survive. We are the lucky ones. The ones who will get to go home and watch a bald head grow hair, the ones who will remember Swedish hospital as the place where Howie Myers was born and my son was cured of cancer.

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