The first mistake an American traveling to Canada makes is to assume that Canada is pretty much exactly like the United States except a little colder. It isn’t. It is a mysterious place. It is a place where an American (United States citizen) can move freely without much trouble, but realize that those Canadians who are being so nice know who you are. They know how you spell favorite and honor. They know you eat your french fries without gravy and cheese. They know you probably have a gun hiding in your shoe. They know you don’t know the difference between a blue line and a red line. And they know you are a visitor because you yell at people letting cars merge at the border crossing.
Canadians have a reputation for being polite, friendly, and polite, and they are, but Canadians are also sneaky. They are one of the only nations to attack the United States on our soil. They think their national anthem is better than ours (and they might be right). They have a television show that plays 24/7 where they hide a camera and play cruel jokes on people and nobody ever gets mad. They continue to sneak actors, musicians, and comedians across the border without us figuring it out until it is too late.
I have returned from Canada and have put together an extensive guide for Americans visiting Canada. I will be covering everything from Canadian radio to driving in Canada. This guide will probably become the most important reference since Wikipedia was invented, so hold on to your touk (according to an actual Canadian, this is spelled toque) and get ready for some serious learning in the next few weeks.
South of the Strait 
One of my favorite parts in the movie My Life in Ruins is when a tour guide mislabels his group. You can see the shock and indignation as they exclaim, “Did you just call us Americans?!!” Makes me laugh every time.
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I have not seen My Life in Ruins…looks like I have something to do this week. Yeah, I think Canadians don’t like to be called Americans, but we don’t mind so much.
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I wasn’t prepared to hold onto my touk or anyone else’s until I looked up the meaning.
Okay, I’m ready now.
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This should be a great learning experience for all of us.
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Oh boy. I can hardly wait for this. Also, there are many spellings of toque, but sadly you haven’t gotten one of them.
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I don’t know if I can trust a Canadian when it comes to spelling. I did look it up on the Urban Dictionary (they never get anything wrong) but I will take your word for it and change the spelling to that Frenchy spelling.
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On my honour, neighbour. You can trust me. It’s 30°C out there, why are you talking aboot toques anyway, eh?
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I’ll trust you this time.
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I would even pay a few quid and loonies for such a guide
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I would even pay a few quid and loonies for such a guide
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Send your cash donations to: The Human Fund, c/o Jon Eekhoff.
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I love Canada, but my travels would be so much easier if William Henry Harrison had kept his army in that little dangling piece of Southern Ontario (between MI and NY) in 1813. That is to say: border crossings suck.
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You would think they could hurry things along when I am waiting in line to get across. Maybe it is time to invade the bits of Canada we like; there are only about 10 people in the whole Canadian Army we could be running the whole place in about five hours.
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Great, I think it’s important to have a travel guide with you, especially when you travel to dangerous, developing countries. You’re doing humanity a great service…
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I figure I am up for some Nobel Prize. I could use a trip to Oslo.
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