REI Anniversary Sale!

Dear REI,

Thank you so much for sending me your anniversary sale catalog. I usually don’t get too excited about catalogs, but you know how I am, I like buying outdoor equipment and putting it in my garage. I have waited for the right moment to buy a bicycle repair stand and it looks like we have a convergence of me wanting something and you advertising that very item. As I am sure you are aware REI, I am going to be getting back into shape soon. The sun has come out in the Mighty PNW and couch potatoes like me are beginning to think that six-pack abs are a bike ride away.

So sexy.
So sexy. This could be gathering dust in my garage soon.

Coach Ed gave the stand five stars and said, “Solid piece of equipment. Holds my bike in any position I want and is very stable. I didn’t need a stand with all the bells and whistles. It’s basic but does the job excellently. Best value of all stands I looked at.” Coach Ed’s vivid description, overuse of the adverb excellently (a sentence extolling the virtues of basic should not use an adverb in my opinion, but I’m the guy who just added this long fragmented parenthetical thought here, so maybe I shouldn’t be tossing adverbial stones at glass sentences), and five stars had just about convinced me, but then I read Scott Biker’s one star review, “The swivel does not secure properly no matter how tight you get the plastic knob. I have a 24.9 lb. XC dual suspension mountain bike that swings and drops straight to the ground when mounted to the stand with the knob tightened as much as possible without breaking it, and will not stay in a desired position at all.”  This review was written by someone who owns a 25 pound bike, they must know what they are talking about and Scott Biker’s last name is Biker and therefore he must be an expert. He also knew better than to end a sentence in a preposition like Coach Ed, a stupid rule I agree, but aren’t most rules in English stupid?

Then I read Tom the Mountain Bicycle’s five-star review stating clearly that the stand was the, “Perfect item to hold the bicycle upper side, clean the wheels,frame, handlebars, ect.. Great to use this!!” A review by a bicycle is surprising, but if my bikes could speak I’m certain they would want this stand also. This was the repair stand I needed. I had done my five minutes of research and now I was ready to use my 30% off discount.

So, I know what you are thinking, REI. You have searched your database, you have looked at recent online orders, and you don’t see an order from 6-Pack Abs. Are you wondering why? Well, let me tell you why. BECAUSE YOU SENT ME AN ANNIVERSARY CATALOG THAT WAS VALID FOR THE DATES MAY 16-26! (You know how I feel about exclamation points. I don’t just throw those puppies around. I use them sparingly, and only when necessary. I am not Tom the Mountain Bicycle who is either German, or does not understand why exclamation points should be used.) When did I receive this catalog? June 5th. June 5th! June 5th!!

I am not sure if you are aware how the Gregorian Calendar works, but let me give you a little insight, June 5th is after May 16-26th. Actually, it is a few weeks outside of May 16-26th, so I don’t know if your calendars at REI headquarters are stuck like the clock on my wall at work, but sending me a calendar that has already expired is like sending me tickets to see Bob Marley, Peter Tosh, and Bunny Wailer perform at the One Love concert in 1978.(Okay, reggae experts, I am aware that the original Wailers had already broken up, but this is my blog and I can rewrite history however I like.)  Why don’t you just send me a catalog from 1980? I might be able to afford some of the items from the Reagan era and wouldn’t need to use my secret code: ANNV2014 when purchasing my bike repair stand.

I hope you are happy, REI. I am now destined to get fatter, lose interest in anything except reality television, and die 20 years early.

Thanks For Nothing,

Jon “12 pack abs”

12 thoughts on “REI Anniversary Sale!

  1. Imagine it was something you really wanted. Not that one doesn’t really want a bike stand, but I’m just saying. What if it was a nine slice toaster? Or worse… a pressure cooker. The horror.


  2. You need to harness the power of the complaint-side, Luke. Done with the proper level of irritation, they’ll be sending you a free bike stand! Then you’ll have to get the 6-pack.


  3. Jon,
    I think you should write another book, using several of your posts like this one and the $92 Donut and The Fault in My Stars and on and on (you have lots of them) each one being short chapter because you are just as good as Dave Barry and Bill Bryson and I love their books. You hit my funny bone every time with your posts.


    1. Thanks, Marilyn. I am putting together a book of short stories this summer and will do the self-publishing thing to see how that works. It is my big retirement plan. Write, travel the world, and get paid…everyone needs a dream.


  4. I have similar issues (note the childish pun) with a certain women’s catalog. If I don’t pull the thing from my PO box and dial the phone within 20 seconds of peeling back the cover of picture perfect models, then they’re sold out of my size in every shirt and possible color that I wanted. It’s like they want you to see the dangling blouse that will always be out of your reach.
    Great post, Jon.


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