Remember the good old days? The days when James Bond had a hairy back and nobody cared?
When getting a hair cut took five minutes? Well, I fear those days are gone and we have now entered into the world where people seem to care about men and grooming. For most of us this process is difficult because there isn’t a guide to what is appropriate and without specific directions most of us are lost but we are not going to pull the grooming car over at the gas station and ask for directions because a real man is never lost. Real men do things on their own and we never ask for directions.
I feel your pain guys. I am not especially interested in grooming and sometimes wonder what all the fuss is about, but then I see one of my fellow males out roaming the streets with some real problems. You know who I am talking about: The ear-hair guy, or the nose-hair guy. (Look there is even a Wikipedia page devoted to these guys.) These guys are usually unaware that there is a beard growing out of their ear, but everyone else sees it.
There are three visible problem grooming areas for men: Ear hair, nose hair, and Rapunzel-like eyebrows. Most of us are aware of these problem areas, but some of us, the Andy Rooneys of the world, boldly ignore the truth.
The truth is that society doesn’t really want to see all that hair, but the problem really arises because most men look in a mirror once at the start of the day and once at the end of the day. The in between time is not mirror time. It is time to do stuff time. These bookend mirror visits are usually not lengthy either. We are not spending 30 minutes getting the old hair just right, we comb it and if nothing sticks out like straw then it is time to move on to shaving or brushing teeth. That’s it, and for those of us who wear glasses this is a blurry visit to the mirror anyway.
What men really need isn’t a grooming guide but a grooming spotter. Most of us who have visited a weight room know what a spotter is, he is the guy who makes sure weights don’t crush you while you are lifting too much. He is just there in case of emergencies. Most men need a guy like this for their grooming. (Women can’t be spotters because men have a natural distrust of women when it comes to grooming. Women who are giving grooming tips to men can’t be trusted. Ask any man why he got his hair frosted, or went to a tanning booth, and most often his story will start like this, “My girlfriend…” or “My wife…”)
The job of a grooming spotter would be to just say, “Dude, your ear hair needs braiding,” or something like that. If it is eyebrows a quick, “Hey, Andy Rooney,” will do. If it is a nose issue, “Looks like the caves could use a cleaning.” That’s all most of us need, just a reminder.
Grooming spotters cannot be voluntary. This is an invitation only job. There is nothing worse than some stranger asking to spot you in the gym, a real man would rather be crushed by the weights than have somebody we don’t know spotting for us. So men, don’t take this as an invitation to go out and tell some stranger that his nose hair needs trimming, it is up to the individual to seek out a grooming spotter for himself.*
So there you go men. Now you can roam the earth again knowing you have done your part to keep it beautiful.
*Guys who are not eligible to be spotters: guys who go to a tanning booth, guys who spend more than $15 on a haircut, guys who have frosted hair, guys who put stuff on their face after shaving, guys who buy Axe body spray, guys who take selfies of their abs, guys who have tribal tattoos, and guys who wear spandex while jogging.