Have you been in a time machine?

Why haven’t you written for your blog? 

-Well, I was working on two new novels. I did finish them, so I now have written three books. 

Are the books any good? 

-Yes. The 1920s Paris and baseball connected to artists and writers. (I’m a nerd and I love that book. Yes, I’m either a crazy writer, or I’m a hidden mole.) The middle book is about basketball, Ahab, and a college team that is traveling for a bunch of games in the winter. It is about 50% true and 50% irrational. My most recent book is about everything from El Salvador to North California. Did I steal The Canterbury Tales? Umm… well, not really. 

You could write something for your blog. Are you a slacker? 

Not really. My plan was to write a few things here and there to add to my blog. In 2017, I lost a bet to write about el president tRUMP and had to write a comment every day for a year. I wrote for a year and then I was planning to write on my blog… but I had a little accident on March 18, 2018.

Why did you stop writing?

I fell about 20 feet as I was working on my roof. My ladder ended up somewhere and I guess I landed on my cement walkway. I don’t know what happened because I hit my head on the hard part of the ground. 

This is where I fell. Those are my legs. My head hit the cement. I fell about 20 feet.

Did you walk to the hospital? 

I guess I thought so but one of my neighbors said I should lay down and call the ambulance. Two ambulances arrived at my house and put me in an ambulance stretcher and drove me to Port Angeles’s hospital. 

Did your wife see you fall?

Um… not really. I tried to work fast because my wife was taking a shower. I figured I would be fast to do my job and not get caught. I guess my neighbor knocked on the door once the ambulance rolled me into the ambulance. 

It is possible that El Presidente tRUMP pushed me from my house. (If you are a QAnon person, you probably have read a bunch of websites of QAnon information…you could move to Alaska and see those Russians.)

What happened after you fell? 

(All of this is inaccurate because I don’t remember anything.) 

  1. I hit the right side of my head onto the cement. 
  2. I didn’t get up until one of my neighbors had done work with ambulance injured people before. I woke up and tried to stand up, but I was dizzy, and blood was coming out of my ears. My neighbor probably helped save my life. 
  3. Two ambulances showed up to my house. I was tucked in  a cuddle and they drove me to Port Angeles’s Hospital. 
  4. The Doctors used lots of stuff to examine me. Apparently, I was in bad shape. I guess the Doctor’s thought I was about to die. 
  5. A helicopter picked me up in the hospital and flew to Harborview Hospital in Seattle.  
I’m pretty sure that the helicopter flew in a straight direction.

Well…there is Harborview. The helicopter landed just above the parking lot.

What did they do to you in Harborview when you showed up there?

I have no idea. (This is almost three years now, so I know a little bit.) I had some broken bones like Evil Knievel. Evil Knievel probably wore a helmet…I should have. The Doctors could see that my brain was growing like a peanut pushing against my cranium. The Doctors knew that my brain was squashing and would cause me to die. So, they gave me a nap and began surgery. They cut off a chunk of my cranium and put it in the freezer. (About three months later I told people that my cranium and half of my brain had been taken off and put in the freezer. I thought I was being truthful, but I guess I was wrong. I was sure my brain was about to be removed and I would be back to writing and working.) 

How many surgeries did you have? 

I have no idea. Somehow, I ended up in Harborview hospital. I do know that part of my head was removed and put in a freezer. Although found out later that part of my brain wasn’t removed just the cranium. 

I guess the surgeons had to do a bunch of work on me. Legs, arms, feet, right chest, shoulders, and some ex-rays on my head and body. 

How many days were you in different floors were you in?

I don’t know. I don’t remember anything for a few weeks. I did find out later that there was a 10th floor, and a 7thfloor. The 4th floor is the first one I woke up. 

What did you say when you started to talk?

The best thing to explain my writing is on the 10th floor and the 7th floor. Is to look at my picture. It’s kind of a mass. I guess I did write some things. I guess I was angry and needed to write some ideas down in the hospital. What I ended up writing during that time is kind of like a mass that doesn’t even include words or ABCs or anything other than dark markers. So technically I wrote some things but technically I wrote like a 2-year-old child.

Those are the first words I wrote.

What was bad?

  1. I bit my nurse on her hand when she was brushing my teeth…I was kind of like a crazy bad dog. I was locked down every single hour because I would move my arms and legs and I was kind of violent because I would yell. I did pull out my tubes on my chest that kind of screwed up a whole bunch of my right chest and lungs.
  2. That is three years ago. My chest still hurts. I can’t breathe as well as I used to. Kind of a dumb mistake. 
  3. I did write on a pad for a couple of days. When I started, I don’t know what I was writing until I saw it later and it was kind of just a crumbly mass of words they weren’t even really words. 
  4. I guess I would cuss frequently I’m not much of a cussing guy, so I guess I got kind of used to it. 
  5. When I look back on that time, I don’t remember anything I don’t remember even where I fell. I don’t remember going to the hospital I don’t remember the ambulance I don’t remember the hospital the helicopter. On the 10th floor and 7th floor, my wife and my parents did see me there and according to doctors I probably would not improve. In other words, I’m lucky to be alive. 

When did you notice your helmet?

I’m not sure when my helmet appeared. At first, I thought the helmet had arrived from my friends that they had given it to me, like a gift. I thought it was an ugly helmet. It did have some cool stickers, but the inside was missing next to the padded soft parts of my helmet. 

One day my mirror showed my head looked like it was curved a bit and kind of off. I thought everything was jim-dandy about my head. My assumption was that I had a dizzy knock on my head. I did not notice that my cranium was sitting in a frozen igloo at that time.

When did you see your cranium was gone?

Well, that is when I went to brush my teeth and took off my helmet to look at my face. That was the first time I noticed my cranium was soft and squishy. I touched my head on the left side like a chunk of French bread. 

That is when I thought part of my brain had been removed and left in the freezer. I did tell some people that my brain was in the freezer and I would get it put back in my skull. It would probably take some time to be like a frozen chunk of beef in a freezer. I thought my memory, speaking, and writing again would be back. I told my mom that I would be back to normal in a few weeks. I told my mom that she was wrong. When I talked to my wife, she said that my brain was not frozen, it was in my head. It took me a couple days before I believed my brain was sitting in my head.

What was it like in the hospital?

I don’t remember a month. When I was moved onto the 4th floor I began to see and remember things. It felt odd. I couldn’t smell and I couldn’t taste anything. (I pretended to act like I could smell and taste, but everything was gone. It will never come back.)

I was locked down in my bed at night. There was a long thick belt around my belly so I couldn’t stand up to do anything. If I needed to go to the bathroom, I had to call the nurse and have someone walk me to the toilet. A couple times I had to sneak out of my belt and go pee. The nurses were mad at me. I didn’t realize how dangerous it would be for me to fall. 

What did your head look like in two months?

It was like a smashed pumpkin at had been left outside and rotted away.

What was your first day you remember in the hospital?

I would see nurses in the morning. I’d see my wife; she would bring me a coffee.

What was positive in your days?

I would have a breakfast delivered around 7AM. I would eat my ordered food and then my wife would normally arrive around 8AM. I’d watch TV on the news. (I would see things and hear things, but I wouldn’t understand much. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t using my eyeglasses.)

The nurses would show up and check my food, my pills, and then my questions. 

            “What is your name?”

            Jon

            “What is your last name?”

            (I would know the word in my head, but I couldn’t say the word.) Ask my wife.

            “What time is it?”

            I don’t know. (I couldn’t see the clock without my eyeglasses.)

            “What year where you born?

            I don’t know.

            “Who is this? (The nurse would point at my wife.)

            My wife.

            “What’s her name?”

            She can ask you. (I couldn’t remember my wife’s name.)

            “What did you eat for breakfast?”

            I ate breakfast. 

            “What food did you eat?”

            Breakfast stuff. 

            “Okay, today you are going to walk around the circle at 9AM. Then you are going to read and speak in the small room at 10 AM. Then you will go to the workout room at 11 AM. They you can have lunch. You’ll do another reading and writing part at 12:30 PM. Then you need to do open more time to exercise in the work out room. Can you tell me what you are doing today?”

            I’ll follow the rules. 

            “Can you say what you are going to do today?”

            Work and eat. 

            “I’m going to put your rules for today on my list of information to work today.”

            Okay. 

            My nurse would write the words down. “Tell me what you will do today?”

            That stuff. (I would point at the words.)

            “Can you say what to do today?”

            I will do it. (Over weeks I began to see the words and speak the words. I was slow.)

How do you feel now?

Well, I feel lucky. There are times when I get upset that I can’t do what I used to do like teaching, writing, and reading. But what I have found out is that I can either give up or work hard at what I used to be able to do. So, writing a little bit can be making notes with my pencil and then working through those short notes into sentences is that are then put into paragraphs. That sounds kind of odd and stupid but if I examine my three years of where I am versus where I used to be, I’m slightly rebellious. I’ve never been someone who gives up on challenges. Sometimes I learned through sports like basketball I may not be good at a specific type of basketball, but I’ve altered and changed things to be better. Which is exactly where I am with writing, reading, and work. 

Are you different now?

This is kind of odd because there are two ways that I look at this. One of them is thinking that I will be able to do what I used to do, but it has been challenging to change and get better. The other part of me is having a heart that pushes through the pain and closes things that hurt. I could spend my entire day watching television. One of the things that I have discovered is that headaches connected to TBI or brain injuries are painful. If I work too hard my head will hurt for at least a day. I must sleep and I can try taking pills, but they don’t help my pain. (Actually, my new pill does work well with headaches.)  Yes, my chest is going to hurt forever that’s because I pulled my tubes out. I probably should have just let doctors do their jobs instead of pulling everything out of my tubes, my connected lungs, and my chest. It hurts but just like rolling in ankle it hurts I’m used to it I’ll get over it.  

Do you write now?

Writing has been one of the more difficult things. There are times when I think I’ve got it all, type everything on the Internet or on the computer and think I’ve got it. I’m writing things exactly what I want and then about 1/2 an hour later I’ll go back and look at my words and I see words that aren’t connected, ideas that aren’t connected and odd words that I’ve spelled incorrectly as words should make sense. The more difficult part of coming through the words are the parts of my left brain and my right brain tells me everything is normal. My left side is a disconnected jumble. Aphasia is common for people with a brain injury, but different connections to your head are different for every person who’s had a brain injury. It’s very different than playing a sport where you might need to have some surgery on your knee. You would go to the doctor they would fix everything up you might have some more pain for six months and later it’ll be back to feeling normal. The brain is not like that at all the brain is like little connections from the different parts of your brain and if they are hit by something like falling off your house and hitting your head on the cement that can affect you in many ways. I’m lucky that I can move my feet and my arms I’m lucky that I can shoot baskets and play a little basketball by myself. I can hit golf balls, but my right chest hurts because somebody pulled out their tubes. But, I never knew that with a brain injury the assumption was that other people will figure it out and it will be fixed. That is not what happens with your brain injury.

How are you doing these days?

Overall, I am happy. I must think of the moment instead of thinking of the past and the future. I don’t need to worry about my past and my future, things will simply work on themselves. Yes, my nickname was “Smily” and “The SuperHumanWonderstructure”… I think those are great nicknames to return.

I Lost A Bet…I had to write about tRUMP for a Year.

I added this video every day for a year. Here’s what I posted:

Day 1:

As I promised, day one of 1460 days. 

Day 2:

I warned you. 

Day 3:

Is it day three already? Honestly, I didn’t think we’d make it this far. Here you go 

Day 4:

Four days in and I’m already forgetting my one job. 

Day 5:

You just can’t get enough Souvlaki Hut…day five…only 1455 left.

Day 6:

You know what I could eat right now? Souvlaki! I wonder where I can get one? Day 6…almost survived the first week.

Day 7:

One of the two missing tRUMP comments.

Day 8:

Since all Mexican food will soon be 20% more, how about trying a Souvlaki! Eight days…why does it seem longer?

Nine days

…almost double figures. It’s all downhill from here.

Day 10:

Holocaust Memorial Day was celebrated by banning a religious group from the USA. Need something to wash that Orwellian aftertaste out of your mouth? How about a souvlaki?

Day 11:

Eleven has been one of my favorite numbers ever since Nigel Tufnel turned it up, way beyond ten. My question is, “What has America turned up to eleven?”

Day 12:

A dozen days sounds pretty small, but come to find out when you’re a anthological egomaniac you can do a lot of damage in 12 days. You know what will wash down your loss of Constitutional rights? Souvlaki!

Lucky Day 13:

A baker’s dozen sounds so nice…last night I saw a crescent moon and a single star in clear skies. Maybe it was a sign that we shouldn’t be banning Muslims and should be banning dangerous men who want to harm America like Steve Bannon. Or maybe it was just hunger eating at me because I couldn’t get a souvlaki.

Day 14:

Two weeks: Wondering if by the time we reach a month we’ll be at war in Iran, or Mexico, or Australia… Who knows? By that time I’ll probably be getting my news at the liberal reeducation camps. What goes great with insanity? Souvlaki! 

Day 15:

Yesterday was a blur. The good news was that I went to bed before remembering that it was two years ago when Dylan was diagnosed with cancer. Today he is 22, healthy, and covered by our insurance. The bad part is that he now has a pre-existing condition and if the Affordable Care Act (Obamacare) is revoked he won’t be able to get insurance. So, yeah, I should probably just shut up and realize that Trump won. You know what goes well with outrage? Souvlaki!

A Short Week: 16-23 Days

Day 16:

Two days I couldn’t find on Facebook.

Day 17:

Superbowl Sunday, a day that we can come together and support the Atlanta Falcons. President Steve Bannon is hoping for the Communists to burn down the Reichstag while we’re distracted. Or am I mixing up my history? Another beautiful combination is Souvlaki!

Day 18:

Snow Day! That means I can watch Betsy DeVos become our new education leader…unless one republican grows a pair of souvlakis and votes against her.

Day 19:

We are closing in on the first month being done. We’re building a wall and New Mexico is paying for it, Hilary is going to be locked up soon, and Trump’s secret plan to destroy ISIS has been put into action…little did we know that destroying the US was the plan. ISIS can’t destroy the US if we do it first. Time for a souvlaki.

Day 20:

Betsy DeVos is now heading the Department of Education. This is a really vivid, long nightmare. I hope when I wake up, I’m well-rested. The first thing I’ll want after a long night’s sleep? Souvlaki!

Three Weeks= 21 days:

Looks like the terrorist organization Nordstrom is in the Trump crosshairs. I feel safer everyday knowing The Donald has his tiny fingers on the pulse of dangerous places. Looks like he’s going after well-known terrorist John McCain this morning. What goes best with strategic attacks? Souvlaki!

Day 22:

Well…Muslim ban revoked…Nordstrom and Iran are on double-secret probation…Trump either spends all his time roaming the White House in a bathrobe, or he doesn’t own a bathrobe…and the wall will cost taxpayers 20 billion dollars and take three years to build. Those bad hombres now have three years to catch a flight over the wall. Busy day, you probably don’t feel like cooking so head out and pick up a souvlaki!

A Short Week: 23-29 Days

Day 23:

Trump’s back to claiming he won the popular vote, calling Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas, and making the best deals with China. Can’t wait until he rolls out his secret plan to destroy ISIS. You know what goes best with fiction? Souvlaki!

Day 24:

North Korea shot off a 🚀rocket, Trump will put them on notice when he gets back from Florida. I don’t know if I feel safer when Trump’s little fingers are away from the big red button of if I should be worried that Steve Bannon is wearing Trump’s bathrobe and wandering the West Wing. Bannon’s favorite midnight snack: souvlaki!

Day 25:

President Trump made it a quarter of the way through his first 100 days without destroying the world. That’s better than I thought he would do so I’m optimistic for the next 1435 days that remain. It wouldn’t hurt to build an underground bunker just in case…I’m going to stock my bunker with souvlaki!

Day 26:

The Trump administration has had its first diplomatic casualty, Mike Flynn. Sounds like he was negotiating with the Russians before Trump was in office…which is illegal. I wonder who would have told him to do that? Doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that happens without being told to do so, but I’ve been wrong before. Connecting the dots: Russians, Trump, Taxes… You know what goes best with conspiracy theories? Souvlaki!

Day 27:

What a wild one that was. Flynn resigns…Pence finds out everyone knew Flynn talked to the Russians…The VICE PRESIDENT found out two weeks after Kellyanne Conway, Steve Bannon and self-aware Skynet robot Stephen Miller…Trump gathered a top secret meeting on a dinning patio at a restaurant…Russia moved illegal ballistic missiles…Russia also moved spy boats from Cuba up to the East Coast, possibly to see if Trump is going to keep holding meetings in non-secured areas. Wow, I’m tired just typing all that, I need a souvlaki!

Day 28:

The old wheels are coming off the Trump bus or is it a boat because the leaks are starting to sink his presidency. The Russian thing doesn’t seem to be going away and Mike Pence is angry. What’s worse than a VP who is angry when there is swirling controversy? Not much…Pence is just a tiny step to becoming the most powerful man in the world. I think Trump’s hands are too tiny for this job. You know what else might be too big for Trump’s hands? Souvlaki!

Day 29:

If you missed the Trump press conference yesterday here’s a summary: Asked an African American reporter to set up a meeting with the Congressional Black Caucus, told a Hasidic Jewish reporter to sit down “I know the rest of your question”, asked for “nice” questions, and spoke in incomplete sentences that would make Faulkner’s head spin. Then Trump’s pick to replace fired National Security Advisor Flynn said, “No thanks.” Rejection like that stings and burying that pain in souvlaki is the only way to go.

A Short Week: 30-36 Days

Day 30:

Trump said he inherited a mess…Which mess? A country with a free press? His hair? A silver spoon? Leaking spy agencies? Today, Trump is off to a campaign rally in Florida. I get the feeling he’s getting in as much adoration as he can before people start connecting the Flynn dots: Russia…Flynn…Trump…taxes…souvlaki!

Day 31:

Let’s take a moment to celebrate our first of 48 months (give or take 40 months depending impeachment hearings). We survived. Yesterday,I learned about a Bowling Green style attack in Sweden and that my enemy is the free press. I knew it! Tear up the 1st Amendment! John McCain (failed Navy pilot according to Trump) said this is the type of talk that dictators use, but most dictators I know don’t use fake tan products, so take that McCain! What goes best with a loss of Constitutional Rights? Souvlaki!

Day 32:

FBI director, Jimmy “I have another report” Comey, had a closed meeting about Trump’s Russian connections, Sweden asked what our president was smoking, and Trump spent another weekend in Florida. I hope he’s taking some work with him…wait…maybe it’s better if he never takes work home. You know what goes best with homework? Souvlaki

Day 33:

Two weeks: Wondering if by the time we reach a month we’ll be at war in Iran, or Mexico, or Australia… Who knows? By that time, I’ll probably be getting my news at the liberal reeducation camps. What goes great with insanity?

Day 34:

First they came for the illegal aliens…you know the ones taking everyone’s jobs while at the same time living off my hard-earned taxes. I’ll be safe for a few more purges, I’m pretty sure white male liberals are near the bottom of the list of enemies. If I had a press credential I’d start packing a bug out bag. Good luck everyone. You know what goes great with Making America 1953 Again? Souvlaki.

Day 35:

Can you smell that? It smells like resistance. Townhall meetings have been rowdy. Congress members have been taking heat for Trump’s policies and the Rs are in denial. (I’ve been there. It feels good until the ballots are counted.) The Russian shoes keep dropping and Trump keeps saying it is fake news…I guess we’ll see when #CNNLeaks hits the airwaves from reliable news source James O’Keefe. Know what goes best with video editing? Souvlaki.

Day 36:

Yesterday, the Trump administration removed transgender bathroom rights to protect women and children. Let the facts show there have been more elected Republicans arrested for bathroom misbehavior than transgender people. Then the Trumpettes said they might go after the legal pot states…funny, their “mights” end up actually happening. So those of you who like the left-handed cigarettes might start stocking up. What goes best with left-handed cigarettes? Souvlaki!

A Short Week: 37-43 Days

Day 37:

Spicer banned “fake” news from a closed-door meeting (the same fakers that reported Trump is trying to kill FBI investigations into Russia’s connections to Trump’s campaign), the dumbest wall ever to be planned is moving forward, Bannon announced his goal is to destroy government, and Trump keeps telling lies from the podium. In local news, I opened a Great Gatsby quiz I made two years ago and saw one of my possible answers was President Donald Trump…it’s all my fault. What goes best with burning self-realization? Souvlaki

Day 38:

Trump announced he won’t be attending the White House correspondents dinner (Nixon was the last President to do this), Fox News doubled down on Sweden by having a fake “Swede Security Advisor” talk about problems Sweden is having with immigrants (reports say the security expert lives in Japan…no one in the Swedish government knows this guy), and my favorite bit of news was that Marco Rubio said he couldn’t do a town hall because he was in Europe…he was found in a Florida hotel hiding out. Maybe the hotel is called Europe, but the video of him running away is worth viewing. What goes best with a Rubio running from his constituents? Souvlaki

Day 39:

For the first time since he’s been president, Trump was not the biggest national embarrassment. That award goes to the Best Picture Oscar fiasco. Of course, the Trump administration still acted like little baby snowflakes by avoiding all the news shows this weekend. Since Trump is skipping the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, I’m thinking it is the perfect time to invite Rosie O’Donnell to host the dinner. Wouldn’t that be fun? They could serve some souvlaki too!

Day 40:

Trump will do his first Joint speech tonight, that should be interesting. My predictions: One national embarrassment, two references to his electoral college win, three fake news comments, four brags about the size of the crowd, five mostly false statements, six statements about the power of the president, seven uses of bad dudes/bad hombres, eight pants on fire lies, and nine uses of bigly. I’ll be chowing down on ten souvlakis so I’ll probably miss the show. Enjoy your 20-billion-dollar wall and 54 billion dollar increase in military spending…I’m sure you’ll all be getting those big tax breaks.

Day 41:

Yesterday Betsy DeVos said the historically black schools were the first schools of choice and President Trump said NATO helped win WWII…do you need more evidence that there is an education crisis in private schools across the US? #FailingPrivateSchools I’m looking forward to next year’s address when Trump talks about how Captain America helped destroy the Berlin Wall. Trump also said he wanted clean water and clean air, and coal, and deregulation, and no more bad hombres, and a bigly wall, and $54 billion more for bombs, and tax cuts, and “access” to healthcare for everyone, and his cake so he can eat it too. What goes great with polluted cake? Souvlaki!

Day 42:

Soooo, the Attorney General– part-time garden gnome–man who uses a pillowcase for his KKK outfit, Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions, said under oath that he didn’t talk with any Russian officials. Turns out the Russian Ambassador met with Sessions twice. As Al Franken said, “The Russian Ambassador is Russian.” Well, if you really want to put America first maybe it’s time to put America first. There’s a lot of Russian smoke…what goes with Russian smoke? Souvlaki.

Day 43:

I’m going to start out by defending Mike Pence who has gotten himself mixed up in a bit of technology issue. Turns out he was using an unsecured AOL email address and was hacked when he was governor of Indiana. I guess I didn’t realize how far behind the times Indiana was, they still use AOL? Maybe that Hoosier’s movie wasn’t a slice of history, but a current events movie. I hope his MySpace account remains secure. In other news, Jeffro Bowdeen Sessions, a man who once said about some Klan members, “I thought they were good guys until I heard they smoked dope,” recused himself from any further Russian investigations. Feels good knowing that Trump hired the “best” people, the “smartest” people. You know where else they’ve hired the best and smartest people? The Souvlaki Hut!

A Short Week: 44-50 Days

Day 44:

Turns out the Obama administration distributed the Trump Russian connections throughout various government agencies because they worried the Trump administration would cover everything up. When will it all come out? Who knows, but now Trump is saying that Obama bugged the Trump Tower’s phones. You know what would clear Trump’s name for me? His taxes. Show the American people there are no Russian connections and I’ll help Trump clear his name. Until then—hell freezing over– I’ll believe that all the Russian stuff is real. If you want real food to go with real intrigue go with Souvlaki!

Day 45:

Trump’s tweet storm is a tough one to explain. The American History textbook companies are going to have their hands full—if there is an America or history left in four years. James Clapper did say this morning that there was no FISA warrant and no bugging. He also said he knew of no collusion between Trump folks and the Russians. It still feels like there will be more angry rants and more Russian sauce. You know what goes well with Russian sauce? Souvlaki

Day 46:

Wow! What can I say, our current president has accused our former president of wiretapping Trump Tower. FBI Director, Comey, has asked the Justice Department to release a statement saying Trump’s tweets have no basis in fact. There are calls for an investigation from Trump surrogates just like those unfounded charges about voter fraud. Remember those airtight claims? Remember that Trump was going to hold a press conference and release that information? What happened there? You know what did happen? The Dakota pipeline is going forward without US pipe, it’s okay to dump coal sludge into rivers, oversight of Wall Street is getting rolled back, and we have a two-year old running our nation. You know what goes best with broken promises? Souvlaki!

Day 47:

Trump signs a new immigration bans like he’s Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, republicans try to explain how Obama bugged Trump Tower, and the new ACA looks like the old ACA except it’s better for rich people who really do need a break. What goes best with tax breaks for the rich? Souvlaki

Day 48:

President Trump has promised to release his taxes. He has promised to investigate the 3 million illegal votes. He has promised to investigate the mythological bugging of Trump Tower. He has promised to replace Obamacare with something better, cheaper, that will cover more people. (The republican replacement will strip healthcare from the people who need it the most.) He promised Mexico will pay for his $20 billion wall. He promised he would lower taxes and add $1 trillion in infrastructure building. He promised he would investigate Hillary and “lock her up.” What has he done? None of this stuff. It’s like ordering a Souvlaki and getting a tortilla filled with packing peanuts.

Day 49:

Well, there were no explanations of Tump’s crazy tweet storm yesterday. I doubt we will ever get to the bottom of Trump Tower spy-gate, but I’m sure there is a logical reason for what happened. Or not. Betsy Devos is getting her way and I’ll soon be teaching at the Greenville Meat Packing School of Equality and Cold cuts. The ACA replacement press conference yesterday was a thing of beauty. I can’t wait to see SNL this week…sometimes skits just write themselves. You know what goes best with SNL skits? Souvlaki!

Day 50:

More Russian connections are being made, the republican healthcare plan is not cheaper–better–and covering more people, WikiLeaks released how the NSA spies on your phone (stop doing those “which Jedi am I” quizzes), and it seems Trump has lost his tweet privileges again. The good news is that we have reached a milestone: 50 days. Let’s celebrate survival with a Souvlaki!

A Short Week: 51-57 Days

Day 51:

Trump fired a bunch US attorney yesterday. This isn’t unusual for new administrations, but the void left will probably take Trump a long time to fill. Tax filing is down about ten percent…I wonder if it has anything to do with our fearless leader saying only stupid people pay taxes. The White House reporting pool had a new addition: The Gateway Pundit. The reporter says he’s there to troll the press corps. You know what trolls like to eat? Billy Goats. What do Billy Goats like? Souvlaki

Day 52:

Trump has 24 hours to provide evidence that Obama snuck in and bugged his phone. Don’t hold your breath but get ready for something crazy and distracting to happen today so we forget that Trump lied when he accused the former President of a crime. The 127-page republican “healthcare” plan includes tax breaks for the rich and required genetic testing. The fake job numbers that Obama provided have magically transformed into real numbers now that Donnie tiny fingers is in charge. You know what else is magical? Souvlaki!

Day 53:

Trump provided zero evidence that he’d been wire tapped…anyone surprised? Breitbart news joined AARP, AMA, and most other organizations who have acronyms that start with A to say the republican healthcare plan sucks. Paul Ryan is defending the plan by saying that Ayn Rand came to him in a dream and said, “Good for you, my little cabbage.” You know what goes great with cabbage? Souvlaki!

Day 54:

It’s time to start holding Trump’s tiny tweeting fingers accountable for what they have tweeted. Kellyann Conway joined the coverup by claiming that microwaves can be turned into television stations, Sean Spicy Spicer said that Trump was tweeting in more general terms about the Obama administration and not specifically about Obama “bad (sick) guy”…Who believes this garbage? Trump still provided no evidence. Has he provided evidence of voter fraud? He had a press conference scheduled to discuss that claim…and then canceled it. If you lied this much at your job would you still be employed? Maybe we should all move to Australia and get a job at the Souvlaki Hut!

Day 55:

Well, Trump’s taxes hit the press…his 2005 taxes. I didn’t see what Rachel Maddow made of the tax release on her show last night, I’ll read about it in the “fake, failing” New York Times. Sources close to the Souvlaki Hut think the taxes were released by Trump to divert attention from the Titanic Trump administration. The five people who believe the Obamacare replacement is a good thing have been defending the plan on Fox News and spending time saying, “This is what people wanted us to do.” Yeah, I thought, “You know who needs a break? Billionaires, those guys have it tough. I think some tax-breaks for them and taking healthcare away from 24 million people is a great idea. How else will the zombie apocalypse happen?” Next to brains zombies second favorite food is Souvlaki.

Day 56:

The Trump budget is here! The Trump budget is here! It’s Christmas if you are a millionaire, want to blow stuff up, or like big walls and cannot lie. If you like Sesame Street, too bad. Time to start pulling yourself up by your own diaper…just like Trump did when he borrowed a small sum ($14 million) to start his business. Ayn Rand would be so proud of how all her little minions have grown up to take away things from those who are less fortunate. What will make American great again? Tax breaks, no healthcare, coal mining jobs without worker’s protections, polluting streams and the air, and souvlaki!

Day 57:

Yesterday we found out that the Trump administration said they are done paying for failing federal programs like meals on wheels and after school programs. They’re going to spend more on tax cuts for the rich because the track record for success is 100%, guaranteed to lead to a recession. Also, if we’re going to stop funding failing programs then it would make sense to end the Trump Presidency today. You know what tastes good with irony? Souvlaki!

A Short Week: 58-64 Days

Day 58:

OMG! Trump continues to defend his phone tapping tweet. He saw a guy on Fox News say it…Trump said this in front of the German Chancellor. We have elected a total moron. This guy has the most complex spying agency in the world at his tiny fingertips and access to all their records…and he gets his information from Fox News! Throw on top of that he wants to defund after-school programs because there is no rate of success. What are we measuring? Crime? Keeping kids from starving? Giving parents the chance to keep their jobs? He does this while insisting that his own kid should get to stay in NYC so he doesn’t get damaged by a move to WA D.C…and who gets to pay for Barron’s protection? You do. I guess only rich kids matter when we’re making America great again. How do you wash down hypocrisy? Souvlaki

Day 59:

Tomorrow James Comey will be testify about Russian spying and whether Trump Tower was bugged by Obama microwave ovens. That should be fun. It was great to see the Trump budget director explain why cutting meals on wheels is compassionate…for the taxpayers. Remember who hasn’t paid taxes for ten years? Yeah, that guy. Who remembers what goes best with irony? Souvlaki

Day 60:

Fern Sprite and Trump budget director, Mick Mulvaney will get his doublethink/doublespeak award someday soon. We can’t balance a budget for ten years, but Trump said it was easy. Trump want wall. Trump want bombs. Tump want tax cuts for friends. Tump say, “War is Peace.” Then there was the meeting with Merkel. Most cringe worthy moment in presidential history. “Shake hands…shake hands…” Trump stares off into space like his hearing aid has gone out and continues to establish himself as the biggest two-year-old ever elected to office. You know what two-year-olds like to eat? Souvlaki.

Day 61:

Trump is quickly distancing himself from anyone who might be implicated by the FBI investigation into Russia influencing the election. “Paul Manafort? Never heard of him. Was he in Die Hard Four?” We did find out that the investigation continues and that Trey Gowdy has a striking resemblance to Draco Malfoy…on the outside and on the inside. If you missed that Trump spent his afternoon tweeting while Comey was testifying, then you missed some gems. Someone take his phone away, or not, I kinda like the direct line to Trump’s id. Ivanka Trump now has a new office in the West Wing because the solution to any problem is more Trumps. You know what also solves all problems? More souvlaki!

Day 62:

AP is reporting that Paul Manafort (Trump’s campaign manager) has been getting paid by Putin since 2005 to “influence politics, business dealings and news coverage inside the US, Europe and the former Soviet republics to benefit the Putin government.” The AP has documents and records of millions of dollars of payments made to Manafort from the Kremlin. You know who didn’t pay him? Trump. Manafort worked for free…wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Looks like the extreme vetting should have been happening closer to Trump Tower than the borders. Oh, and by the way, Trump did have some time to visit republican legislators to tell them that the budget and healthcare better get passed or he’ll make sure they don’t get reelected. My question is, “If they aren’t reelected, do they lose their healthcare? Would that provide them with a gap in insurance and therefore be charged 30% more?” If so, it might be worth keeping that job. You know where everyone is covered with healthcare? Australia, at the Souvlaki Hut.

Day 63:

The party just keeps going. Yesterday, Congressman Nunes (r) says he has evidence that Trump was spied on…so he shared that information with Trump because that’s how investigations work…then Congressman Schiff (d) reported to the public that there is direct evidence connecting Trump-minions to Russia. All this is going on while the Obamacare replacement bill is getting rewritten to try to salvage it, and before the CBO can give it a new once over. Just to remind everyone, it took 15 months to get Obamacare passed. 15 months is longer than 63 days. So, if Obamacare was shoved down your throats over 450 days get ready to grease up Trumpcare. You know what tastes great with grease? Souvlaki!

Day 64:

After seven years of trying to kill Obamacare, the republicans were all set to vote on their new tax-cut-for-the-rich/take-away-healthcare-from-24million-people, but they couldn’t get the formula just right. It’s almost like there wasn’t a plan the whole time…hard to believe. On the Russian front (where I’ll be sent once Trump starts WWIII to distract everyone from how much golf he plays) Rep Nunes walked back his statements and news agencies are reporting more and more connections to Putin through Russian billionaires. The publishing industry must be licking their lips, think of all the tell-all books that are going to come out of this administration. You know what goes with good reading? Souvlaki!

A Short Week: 65-71 Days

Day 65:

After Voting over 50 times to revoke the ACA, the republican house couldn’t get the votes to push their plan through. Paul Ryan looks like an idiot, Trump looks impotent, and Paul Manafort still looks like a Russian spy. Let’s try a single payer option, you know like the rest of the world. Rep Nunes will probably be sent to detention soon and maybe we will finally start to see some of those smoking Russian guns next week. Enjoy your golf vacation Pres Trump. I’ll be eating souvlaki while you destroy ISIS on the links.

Day 66:

Trump spent four hours at a golf course yesterday “having meetings.” He was dressed in golf shoes, was seen on the golf course driving a golf cart and refused to say who he was meeting with. It’s like he’s a high school student and the press and American people are his parents. 

For the record, I think he should stay on the golf course and turn his White House keys over to an adult. He doesn’t seem to really want this job. Speaking of deception, you know what is deceivingly good? Souvlaki

Day 67:

NYTimes is reporting that Jared Kushner will be questioned by the Senate about his ties to Russia. Sounds like Jared has been setting up meetings with the borscht crew and the Trump administration for a long time. Donny tiny digits tweeted for his minions to watch a Fox News show where the host asked for Paul “Ayn Rand” Ryan to step down. I’d hate to see Paul lose his job, his healthcare, and his bootstraps…at least he’ll still have his guns and Papa Roach. You know what goes best with schadenfreude? Souvlaki.

Day 68:

I heard the smartest thing said about Trump yesterday. The dude on the talking box said that Trump wasn’t good at governing because governing takes ethics and morals. Business decisions are all about money, governing is about people. If you have no morals or ethics, then you have no path. So, think about that as Trump continues to govern like he’s the Israelites lost in the desert, wandering from illusion to illusion (or is that delusion?) looking for an oasis that will provide him with the love that his father obviously didn’t provide. Sad. When I get sad I fill my sad hole with a souvlaki!

Day 69:

Trump’s rolling back environmental protections. It was a great photo op for him: “Get me a coal miner to stand there and look happy. Yay, you get to go back in that black hole and bring out coal that nobody wants.” Next Trump is going to bring back whaling jobs and then we’ll start making swords again…pretty soon we’ll reach the Bronze Age. Rep Nunes was asked to step down from his committee and he said, “Nope.” Yeah, this isn’t going to end well. 

I had this great idea this morning, what if Jared Kushner was having an affair? That would be Shakespearian! Probably not happening but just imagine the drama. You know what else I imagine? Loads of souvlaki!

Day 70:

Well, Ivanka moved her office down the hall from daddy, I wonder how the right would have reacted if Obama would have put Sasha in charge of the EPA? Oh, Ivanka is going to work for free too, just like Paul Manafort, that guy who barely did anything for the Trump team and hardly even worked…uh huh. Devin Nunes is in a little hot water since he started trying to take down the investigation he is leading. Never trust a guy from Tulare, CA, that’s what I say. You know what you can trust? You can trust that a souvlaki is going to taste awesome.

Day 71:

I’m sure Trump had a restless night. (That is if his brain is able to do simple tasks like problem solving and reflection.) Sounds like Flynn is ready to spill the beans to save his own skin. Trump needs to ask himself WWPD (What would Putin Do?). So if Flynn suddenly drinks some radioactive tea, or “falls” out of a window, you’ll know Trump got on the red phone and dialed 1-800-KGB-PUTN. We also found out yesterday that Devin Nunes believes he works for the president. That’s kind of like Elliot Ness working for Al Capone #Who‘sUntouchableNow? The big question right now is, “Will Trump make it to day 100 before the glitter bomb he created explodes in his face?” You know what tastes as good as glitter? Souvlaki!

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